In-Depth Update (Body, Baby, and Work)

1.) My Body

My husband and I went to Las Vegas for a week, and needless to say, I wasn’t eating healthy foods as we had to eat out every meal. When I came home, I had gained four pounds. Whether or not it was true weight gain is not of my knowledge, because a week later I lost four pounds and was one pound lighter than I was before we left for the trip. I was very happy to see that much weight loss in one week, although when I look in the mirror, for some reason I see myself as bigger than ever. Not as big as I was at my highest weight, of course, but I do consider myself “fat.” The thought that I was 16 pounds lighter than I am now makes me feel like a loser.

2.) The Fertility Situation

We’ve gone to two fertility specialists. One is recommending In-Vitro Fertilization, which will cost us over $11,000. The second is recommending Artificial Insemination, which will cost us around $3,000-$4,000. We obviously want to go with the cheaper method, but our chances of getting pregnant with In-Vitro is pretty much a sure-fire thing, whereas Artificial Insemination is a gamble. And it’s hard when you can’t even trust your doctors. A part of me feels like the first doctor is only recommending IVF so they can get our money. But then another part of me feels like the second doctor is doing the same — recommending AI knowing our chances are lower in hopes we eventually have to do both procedures.

We are probably going to go with Artificial Insemination. The stupid thing is for TWO years we’ve been reading my husband’s semen analysis wrong. We thought he had between 6-8 million sperm. But in reality, is has a little over 20 million! So there actually is a good bet that AI would get me pregnant, but only 12% of that 20 million are actually moving sperm. So with AI, we are banking of the fact that my eggs will be stimulated enough (with help of medication) and that we insert it at the right time (ovulation) and that one of his good sperm actually make it in.

This ties in with my body image and weight. The first doctor who knows about my anorexia recommended I be at 105 pounds before getting pregnant. She also recommended getting a bone density screening to see if my osteopenia had worsened. I’m assuming this would be even more money unless my insurance covers it. The second doctor knew nothing about my anorexia because it was my choice not to say anything. Whether or not this was a bad choice, I have no idea. My ED says, “GO WITH THE SECOND DOCTOR! SHE’S NOT MAKING YOU GAIN WEIGHT!” Logically I know I have a better chance of conceiving with more meat on my bones, and I don’t need a doctor to tell me that. But my ED hopes I can get pregnant without having to gain weight, and my justification is, “LOOK AT NICOLE RICHIE! SHE GOT PREGNANT! SO DID ANGELINA JOLIE!”

Then I feel horribly selfish at the thought of putting a baby in danger because of my weight and vanity. I feel that I will be okay gaining weight once I’m pregnant, but I’m too scared to do it before. I’m trying not to think too hard until we actually make a decision to go through with this.

3.) My Job

The old company I worked for hired me back. I know, you must think I’m crazy after what they put me through. But the CEO was fired, I was put into the location closer to my home, and I’m in a program that doesn’t involve anything I was doing before. I don’t have to worry about strict legal rules and regulations in my charting, I don’t have to make treatment plans for my clients, I don’t have to refer them when they need extra services. I don’t need to make sure I have things done in a certain time frame, I don’t need to constantly update this and that, I don’t need to present anything to anyone, etc. My hours suck — I’m getting paid less than I am on unemployment, but I’m hoping my hours will increase and unemployment will compensate me for those extra hours. Getting back to work has been a scary thing, but I think the fear is better than the guilt when I’m not working at all.

I think that’s all for now…

Some Good and Bad News

So do you want the good or bad news first?

We’ll start off with the bad news because it’s always better to end on a good note:

BAD: My husband got his semen analysis results back, and there’s been no change. He definitely does not have enough sperm to get me pregnant the natural way. It’s possible, but really rare. So our next step is to see an infertility specialist to see about other options. At this point I feel like giving up; the time, money, and energy it’s going to take to do this frustrates me to the max. I’m really, really trying not to have any expectations and just accept our situation. I’m trying to do what’s right in front of me and I’m trying to surrender the results. One step at a time. I’m trying not to read too much into artificial insemination or IVF until we actually talk to a specialist.

GOOD: I got a call for a job interview today. It’s only for a per diem position (on call or filling in for someone who is sick) but it’s something. If I get the job, it will also help with getting more experience and obtaining hours for my certification. It’s closer to my home than my other job was as well. My interview is on the 24th. We’ll see what happens.

Laid Off

So as my Twitter says, on Monday I was offered a full time position at another location of my work. I accepted it and was told what to do in preparation for the job. I would be counseling court mandated clients only, which was a con, but the pros were that it would be much, much closer to home, I would be working better hours, and I would be getting paid more as it was full time. They pumped me up for it and made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

On Wednesday, two days later, they bring me in and apologize for offering me the job as they were cutting salaries, and as a consequence, they were letting me go.

AMAZING, right? I ask myself over and over, what is MY part in this? Especially as how they tried to lighten the blow by telling me how GREAT of an employee I was, and how I was such an ASSET, or how I’ve CONTRIBUTED SO MUCH. Well, my part is having expectations. I expected to get this job, despite knowing that they change things at the drop of the hat ALL THE TIME. My part is not job hunting as much as I should have been knowing I was walking a fine line.

Yet at the same time, what they did was awful and degrading. I’m not so mad about being laid off. I’m mad at the fact that they switched everything in a matter of two days. How do they offer someone a full time position and then suddenly realize they not only have enough money to do it, but that EVERYONE at the company is getting salary cuts?

A part of me is relieved. I don’t know how much longer I would last there; it stressed me out so much and I just felt like I didn’t even care anymore. I wouldn’t have been very productive anyway.

The good part is I’ll be getting unemployment (I didn’t quit or get fired, yay) and I can look for other avenues. Hopefully I’ll be able to find something that’s better.

Oh yeah — they also told me that in a few months, when “things get stabilized,” I’ll be the first person they call to rehire.

I won’t hold my breath.

Work Woes.

I had my first real bout with sexual harassment from a client the other night. This client has mental issues, and I’m not saying that to be mean; he literally has mental issues. I don’t think he should be in our program as I feel he would benefit more from going into a mental health facility, but because he has never had a formal diagnosis, all we could do would be to refer him to a psychiatrist. We also can’t really turn a patient away because of their mental issues, unless it interfered severely with the addiction treatment. And for the most part, he was a rational human being.

With that said, I can understand him making these sexual comments towards me without realizing what he was doing. I suppose I’m making excuses for him, but here is what happened: