My Flaws (Step 4)

So I’m working on Step 4 of the 12 steps. The first part is to write about my flaws and then come up with assets that refute those flaws.

My list was pretty extensive and included being afraid, avoidant, careless, conceited, deceitful, dependent, dishonest, envying, exaggerating, forgetful, impatient, insecure, justifying, lazy, pessimistic, procrastinates, and rationalizing.

With these though, I was able to think of assets that refuted them. For example, in terms of my dishonesty, I’m actually quite honest when doing step work and writing in here, not being afraid to tell the truth about who I am or what I do.

However, there were four flaws that I literally could NOT think of assets to, so I’m assuming those are the ones I need to work on most:

Gossiping
Inconsiderate
Self-destructive
Selfish

Gossiping: I talk way too much about people behind their back, especially at work. When someone is talking crap about someone that I don’t like, I don’t hesitate to join in on the conversation. When I know something “juicy,” I seldom keep it to myself and tell it to anyone I know who would appreciate the information.

Inconsiderate: I rarely take other people’s feelings into consideration.  My husband often surprises me with little romantic things and I never do. When people ask me how I am, I often answer and forget to ask them how THEY are doing. I often zone out when people are talking to me about something I don’t care about (even if they DO care). I don’t put my clients first nor do I really care where they go after they graduate from my program. I don’t send birthday cards to those who send me one.

Self-destructive: I almost didn’t even circle this one, but then I figured restricting my food intake and severely limiting my vegetable and fruit intake is doing damage to my body in the long run. The emotional toll it takes is pretty high as well. I’m angry/irritable more days than not.

Selfish: Putting my life in danger is selfish and unfair to my loved ones and potential children. I often get upset when our money is spent on unnecessary things but don’t think twice when I buy binge foods or new shoes or make-up. All of my actions are usually for my benefit.

Even when I was in hardcore recovery, I still struggled with these behaviors. But when I was in recovery, I had a better grasp of what was reality and could stop myself when I recognized the behaviors. In my eating disorder, I fully give into these things and don’t think twice. It made me feel like shit when I couldn’t think of an asset to go with these four flaws, but at the same time, at least I recognize them in this mind frame (seeing them as negative) vs. the ED mind frame (not giving a fuck).

They say you can’t fully work the steps unless you are abstinent from your eating disorder. That’s probably true. When I ask myself, “Can you stop yourself from being inconsiderate?” I think so, but at the same time, I’m more likely to be considerate of others when I’m thinking straight and not irritable from starving. I’m more likely be concerned with others when I’m eating healthy and taking care of my body. I’m more likely shut my mouth when I can be secure with myself and not needing the constant attention of others. And that is all easier when I am content, present, and well-fed.

So can I continue with the steps while I’m still restricting? I can try, but I’m not so sure how beneficial it will be, especially because I’m only really on Step 3 in my heart. Step 1, admit you have a problem. Check. Step 2, came to believe in a Higher Power. Check. Step 3, surrender. I’ve got nothing for you there.

Step 3 for me would be to eat three, moderate meals a day and to surrender my weight.

I keep saying, “Well, I’ll surrender my weight once I hit below 78 pounds.”

Which goes completely against what surrendering actually means.  Surrendering means no conditions or terms, and unfortunately, I can’t do it yet.

Step Study: Step 4 (Part 2, Fears)

Step 4: Made a searching and moral inventory of ourselves.

In this second part of Step 4, I’m focusing on my fears. Again, I’m choosing to use the four-column format as suggested by the AA Big Book.

Step Study: Step 4 (Part 1, Resentments)

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Reading:
1.) Alcoholics Anonymous Ch. 5, pg. 63, last paragraph.
2.) Step 4 in OA 12×12.
3.) Alcoholics Anonymous Ch. 6 up to page 75, second line.

Writing:
Step 4 Inventory. 

There were three Step 4 versions we could choose from, and I picked to do the four-column version outlined on pg. 64-71 of the AA Big Book.

So for this entry, I’ll be focusing on my resentments. Because this is a blog, I can’t really do a four-column layout so I’ll just list things out.

The following Step 4 gets very in depth, personal, and ugly. My defects of character are very present, so please leave your judgements at the door.

Step 4 Questions Part 2

Questions taken from OA 12 x 12 Pg. 34-43. Again, I only answered questions that were relevant.

Are we holding onto a grudge because at one time or another someone threatened or damaged our self-esteem, security, ambitions, or relationships?

The first thing that popped into my mind was my husband’s family and his ex. Although I do not enjoy being around them and sometimes resent their strong Christian beliefs, I think I’ve gotten a lot better in regards to this. I used to cringe and feel so much anger just thinking about these people, but now I’ve gotten over that. I can act kindly towards them and not dread every second I’m about to see them. As for my husband’s ex, I still can feel intense anger towards her, but I’m not holding a grudge like I once did.

How has greed affected our lives? Are we generous or selfish? Are we satisfied when our needs are filled, or are we always wanting more, seldom content with what we have?

I’m really selfish. I don’t like doing things for other people when asked, although I do enjoy it if it’s MY idea. But again, that’s for my own validation rather than them. I almost always want more — more money, more furniture, more clothes, a better house, a better job, etc.

In what ways have we been lazy and slothful? Have we been procrastinators? If so, we write it down, along with incidents in which we have procrastinated. Are we perfectionists? Do we delay starting things we are afraid we can’t do to perfection?

I’m lazy in regards to cleaning my home and getting a job. I’ve been out of school since 2007 and I still haven’t found a job that has utilized my degree. Yes I’ve substitute taught and I’m working retail now, but I know I could be doing so much better if I just applied myself. A lot of it is fear based. I’m delaying interning right now because I’m afraid of starting the whole process, messing up, ruining somebody’s life, doing something wrong, making people upset, etc.

Are we overly dependent on others?

Yes — my husband. Although I have gotten better. I still rely on him a lot in regards to money and more “adult” stuff like taxes and whatnot.

Do we tend to dwell on the dark side of things?

Yes — what if we don’t get a house, what if I don’t get pregnant, my job sucks, I hate my house, I hate my life, I wish I had this, I wish I had that, what if the world ends in 2012, what if I never get pregnant, etc., etc.

Are we thankful for what we have or do we ignore our blessings and focus on what we lack?

Sometimes I am thankful. I’m thankful I have a job when so many people don’t. But I’m not going to lie — I’d say I’m 10% grateful and 90% dissatisfied.

Step 4 Workbook Questions (Part 1)

1.) Is something keeping me form beginning my “fearless” and “searching” inventory? What?

No. I’ve actually been looking forward to starting this particular step 4. I guess that’s a little misleading — lots of things have kept me from getting here. Most if it my choice — choosing to go online instead or relaxing after work. But now that I’m on this step, it’s a major release.

2.) What action, no matter how small, am I willing to take to overcome my procrastination?

Now that the new year is here, I realize how many people make resolutions but never keep them. Why? Because they say they will start at a later time. I’m really trying my hardest to do things NOW when I think of it rather than LATER when I get the motivation. Seldom does that motivation come. So in regards to what actions I’m willing to take? I’m not quite sure what those actions would be, but doing this RIGHT NOW is a good start.

3.) Am I willing to do a written inventory?

Yes.

4.) What are some of the ways in which I can do my inventory? What approach will I take?

I’ll be finishing these questions as well as doing a Big Book inventory. I’ll be focusing on my current situation and circumstances.

5.) Why is it important for me to take a balanced view of myself?

I have to take a balanced view of myself or else I will be too critical. I’ll focus on my fault and defects rather than my assets. I have to look at both in order to see how I am and how I can be.

6.) Here is my 4th step inventory guided by questions on Pages 34 through 43 in The 12×12. (I’ll do the ones that are relevant to my circumstances now.)

How do we react when we don’t get our way? I get angry, although I suppose anyone would. I don’t believe my anger is out of turn or uncalled for when things like this happen. The biggest example I can think of right now is the fact that we are still no in a house. I keep getting inpatient with our realtor and the real estate business in general. My husband and I have argued quite a bit over this situation because we couldn’t agree on where we wanted to live. After a while though if I haven’t gotten my way I have to tell myself it wasn’t meant to GO my way.

How do we react when people disagree with us? The only person I can think of right now that I’ve disagreed with on anything is my husband. I can’t really stand when we don’t agree; we’ll argue for a bit but once we’ve accepted the fact that we just aren’t on the same page and maybe never will be, we move on.

Are we intolerant of differences? I’m still pretty judgmental when I’m around people who are so close-minded — that’s a bit ironic/hypocritical isn’t it? I get this way a lot around my Christian in-laws.

Have we insisted on being the center of attention? How has prideful self-centeredness caused us to act? I find that whenever I’m with new people I often talk about my past too much. I like to get the attention that comes with my eating disorder and the many other unfortunate things that came with it. This also goes hand-in-hand with my gossip tendencies. If I have gossip to share that means people are going to be listening to me. This in turn makes me feel apart of the group.

Are we snobs? Do we pay more attention to VIPs than to ordinary people? At times I suppose I could do this. Although it can go both ways — sometimes I can pay more attention to the ordinary people rather than the VIPs.

Have we sought to put people down or put them in their place? I think most of us do. I think sometimes it’s okay to feel that way. Just because we are seeking to put some people in their place doesn’t mean we are actually going to do it. There are lots of times I feel this way with my boss, my husband’s ex, my family, etc.

Have we repeatedly belittled anyone? The one person I would think would be my husband’s ex. Never to her face, but to my husband, friends, and my sponsor.

Have we condemned others for things we’re also guilty of? Are we hypocrites, even as we denounce the hypocrisy of others? A big example of this would be in my own recovery. So many people have come in and out of the OA doors. Although I should be feeling compassion, I often feel resentment and a sense of being better than them because I still go. The truth of that is though is I may still be GOING to OA meetings, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing the work!

Do we indulge in gossip ourselves or listen to and enjoy the gossip of others? In one word, YES.

Are we oversensitive, quick to take offense at what people say to us? Or do we laugh everything off, pretending nothing hurts us? I think I’m oversensitive. People can say something to me and I’ll twist the words around in my head so they sound worse than they really are. Especially when it has something to do with my weight or physical appearance.

Are we selfish, letting our own desires govern us while we ignore the needs of others? I’m a pretty selfish person — spending more time on my computer than with my husband. Not taking sub jobs when I could, going home early from work when I could stay and make more money for my family, etc.

Are we willing to take responsibility for the problems we’ve caused, or have we tried to shift the blame to others? I’m willing now to take responsibility for any problem I’ve caused.

Do we accept our own failings and those of others as natural, or do we criticize, condemn, and complain? Most of the time I think I can accept my failings and the failings as others, although there are times when I like to do my venting. Sometimes I just can’t understand why certain people can do what they do, but in the end I’m not perfect either and I have to have compassion.

Are we people-pleasers? Do we need everybody to like us, so much so that we make it our goal to find out what people want and give it to them, no matter the cost to ourselves? Are we afraid to say no to others? Yes, although I think I’m getting better. I love to be liked, I hate when I’m not. Working in customer service has helped me though — I can’t please everybody and if that does happen, then it’s more their issue than my own.

Are we anxious about the future? How much of our time do we spend worrying? A lot. I worry about never getting out of retail despite having a degree. I worry about never getting pregnant. I worry about not having enough money. I worry about the world ending in 2012. I spend a big chunk of my life worrying about this shit.

Are we afraid of people? Do we isolate ourselves from our friends and society? I am still afraid of people. I find I don’t try as hard in my job because of the people. I hate working retail because of this! However, I don’t isolate myself much. It’s true that I don’t hang out with friends outside of work, but that’s more due to choice than because I am afraid.

Have we delayed seeking to new jobs or careers, held back by worry and fear? Are we so afraid of change that we remain in situations that are not good for us? Welcome to my life story right now. I’m stuck in my stupid job. I’m done with school so I should be looking to intern right now, but I’m still pretty scared to get that started. My current job stresses me out SO MUCH yet I’m doing little to fix it.

Onto Step 4

So I’ve finished another Step 3 and I’m finally onto Step 4. I’ve been waiting for this step with anticipation; everything always feels so much better once I’m finished with it. You would have thought I would have rushed through Steps 1-3.

My recovery isn’t as strong as it has been in the past, but I have to have hope. I’ve seen so many come to meetings and stop; I’m pretty much only one of two people who still goes to my home meeting. After three or so years it’s come down to us and I have to be proud of myself because I keep coming back. Hopefully the new year will bring in more newcomers.

My weight is the same as it’s been for a while which I’m not happy about. I see pictures of me now and wonder how I could have let myself get this “big.” I’m always insecure typing something like that because I don’t want the readers of this blog to picture a “fat girl” writing. I know, rationally, that I look normal. Some would consider I still look thin. But in my brain, I just look fat.

I keep saying I want to change and I never do. I’m struggling between accepting the weight I am now and losing some. People who are overweight get to lose weight. I have to struggle between staying at an average weight and constantly worrying about breaking my abstinence if I lose weight. I miss my old body…

Going to a thankathon tomorrow with my sponsor. Hoping it will make me feel better.