I took laxatives at 8 PM last night. It’s almost 1 PM now and they still haven’t kicked in. I have about three days worth of binge food stuck in my stomach, my stomach is bloated, my breasts are the size of melons, it’s hot, and I don’t know whether to be more worried that my laxatives were wasted or that they will kick in when I am driving to work, at work, or during my two hour group. I am up another pound, making me three pounds heavier than last week, and I don’t know what’s water weight, PMS weight, or real weight. I just want to curl up and sleep. I want to dig into my stomach and empty everything out. I want to cut off the fat around my hips and thighs. I want to blow everything off until I can finally lose these last five pounds. I need to stop overeating; it’s making everything awful.
Tag Archives: overeating
Rules, Rants, and Worries
I think my breasts have been sore for about a week now. To back this story up, my period was a week early this month and came on with no usual symptoms I’m used to. Usually my breasts are sore a week before it’s due, and I also suffer from bloating. I was pleasantly surprised because, for once, my period didn’t affect my weight and I was able to relax the morning of my weigh-ins without worrying about whether or not it was “fake weight.” Anyway, a week later after my period ends (shorter than usual), my breasts begin to feel sensitive, itchy, and sore. Now they are just sore and heavy. I’ve typed in all sorts of stuff into google, like “breasts sore after period” or “breasts sore during ovulation” or “breasts sore, not period, not pregnant” and I got what’d you’d expect from a google diagnosis: PREGNANT!, HORMONES!, STRESS! CANCER! DEATH! So the hours spent searching for an answer really got me nowhere. If any of you women out there could give me personal experience in relation to this issue, that would be great. I’m assuming my body is just off balance (possibly ED related?) and for some reason this month, my boobs are sore during ovulation. Worse case scenario in my head is that my period wasn’t really a period, but a miscarriage (possible or unlikely?).
Day two of my “new and improved” meal plan has gone well. I judge how “well” I am doing on certain rules…how hungry I feel by the time I get home from work, how flat my stomach is in the morning, how weak I feel once I get out of bed. If I don’t feel hungry between the time I get home (8:30) and midnight, I did bad. If I have to flex to make my stomach flatter in the morning, I did bad. If I can walk down the stairs without feeling like my legs are filled with sand, I did bad. Basically, anything that makes me feel like a normal person makes me feel bad.
Today is day three and so far, I have no binge cravings. Let me rephrase that. I do wish I could sit and scarf down some food, but the physical urges to do so haven’t been there (yet). It’s only Wednesday, so we’ll see. I had to fight the urge to weigh this morning. I’ve done it before (gone days without weighing) but those times were because I had no access to a scale. The fact that I could go upstairs right now and weigh as I please? It sucks. But again, I have to keep telling myself the following things:
o Weighing daily will make you crazy, especially due to the fact that your breasts are swollen and heavier.
o The fact that you look slightly pregnant due to being bloated is only due to whatever your body is going through and all the vegetables you’ve been eating.
o Your chances of losing weight are better eating this meal plan that what you’ve been doing.
o It’s okay to eat the amount of food you’ve deemed safe; it’s still a lot lower than what “normal” people eat.
o You physically cannot gain weight off of the amount of food you are eating. At worse, you will maintain.
o Most of your food is vegetables; it just looks like a lot.
But let me tell you, last night was difficult. My stomach pooched out and it was hard to just sit in it. It was hard to just sit with the fact that my stomach looked fat. But anyone who pressed on my stomach wouldn’t have had to be a rocket scientist to tell me it was full of gas. A normal person would say, “Eh, I’ll just pop some Beano before I eat dinner tomorrow and I won’t have this problem.” But instead, I yelled, “My stomach is FUCKING BLOATED!” to my husband, my hands up in the air, with an angry look on my face. He slowly backed out of the bathroom to give me space and uttered a casual “Woah” as if he was Joey from Blossom. But I dealt with it; I had no choice. I can’t give up eating vegetables, so Beano it is!
Alright, this entry has been put together all helter-skelter and I’m not a fan so I’m just going to off to Farmville land. Actually, I’m off to visit some of your blogs to comment. I read your entries on my phone and the mobile version of WordPress will NOT let me leave comments! Any help on this issue would be great as well.
Me Vs. Body
WARNING: There’s “woman talk” in this entry, so anyone turned off by the natural things women’s bodies go through, don’t read ahead.
I’m up against my body this week, and my body is definitely winning. I don’t know what is going on, but if I don’t start feeling normal soon, I’m going to go insane.
I haven’t had a regular bowel movement in over a week, and when I do, there’s been blood (I don’t believe this is an internal problem). I’ve had PMS symptoms (sore breasts, bloating, cramps) all week despite my period ending 11 days ago. I’m assuming I’m ovulating, however, what’s strange is it’s usually reversed. During my period I usually get all the PMS symptoms and am fine during ovulation, however, I had no symptoms at all when my period came this month (except breaking out). I’ve never in my entire life had PMS symptoms during ovulation. On top of that, I have had intense food cravings all week, causing me to overeat six out of the last seven days (and therefore, am still the weight I was when I came home from our trip). I’m also what I think to be as “slightly fluish:” my throat feels weird, I’m sneezing, and my stomach feels like I should be in the bathroom and yet I can’t even go. The night sweats I’m having are getting worse; my metabolism must be doing strange things, although it’s doing absolutely nothing in terms of weight loss. EDIT: For anyone who asks, pregnancy has crossed my mind, but like I said, I had a period 11 days ago. It wasn’t implantation bleeding either, but a full, regular period.
On occasion this week I’ve just wanted to give everything up. Just “throw in the towel” and start eating normally. The disgust and disappointment I feel towards myself right now, the disgust and disappointment I’ve felt towards myself all week just wasn’t worth it. But I keep holding out, waiting for these PMS symptoms to leave, waiting for the flu to go away, in hopes that I can “get back on track” with eating cleanly and all will be well with the universe.
I have a billion different plans today in regards to food. Should I fast until dinner? Should I try to eat somewhat normal to try to regulate these food cravings? Should I continue overeating until Monday? I guess I’ll just take one hour at a time. My plan is to get ready, go food shopping, clean the house, and make root beer float cupcakes for my step-kids. I have to do SOMETHING, even though I feel too unmotivated and sick to do anything. But last week my husband made it clear in an argument that I was a slob who didn’t pick up after herself. It’s true. I am. I’m a slob by nature, but it’s worse when I am engaging in ED behavior, because when I restrict, I’m too weak to clean and when I overeat, my stomach hurts too bad to clean. It’s a lose-lose situation with everything in my life until I can start eating normal, balanced meals that don’t leave me starving or in physical pain.
Desperate
I feel so desperate. I feel like time is running out and this effort to lose weight is in vain.
I read over my blog entries and it’s as if two different people are writing them. I see contradictions all the time (e.g. “I don’t have a problem” then “Wait, yes I do!”) One day I hate my life and the next I am saying I have it good. I wish I could just be honest with myself and my readers on how shit really is.
I do feel desperate. The more time passes where I don’t do anything about having a baby, the more I feel guilty. The more desperate I become to lose weight. The more desperate I become to lose weight, the more I restrict. The more I restrict, the more I overeat. The more I overeat, the more I starve in order to compensate. The more that cycle continues, the longer I stay stuck at 81 pounds.
81 pounds, BMI 15.8.
I read other people’s blogs and how they are losing weight quickly. Then I think of how much energy I spend restricting and realize how that makes me feel: like a loser, a failure, a wannabe, a poser, a bad anorectic.
I feel so dreadfully desperate to get down to 75 pounds because it’s like then I will be able to have a baby. I feel like once I have a kid (if I have a kid), I can no longer be anorexic. It’s like this is my last fucking shot to prove to myself I can make it to a BMI of 14. And the longer I take, the longer I stall on having a baby, and the worse it makes me feel.
I want to stop. I want to stop trying and actually start doing. I want my metabolism to kick in. I want the food cravings to no longer exist. I actually thought that if I fasted all week, at the end I would just finally give into recovery. That lasted 12 hours…
I feel defeated and angry. I am tired of trying to accomplish this, and yet at the same time I feel like I have to. I feel like I can’t give in. I feel like I have to be eating disordered or else there will be nothing for me.
I feel like it’s time to grow up now. I am reading a novel by Stephen King called 11/22/63. It’s about a guy who goes back in time to stop the assassination of JFK. The closer he gets to the day of the assassination, the more obstacles he must face. The past does not want to be changed and tries to make sure the guy cannot do it. I feel like that is my life. I have never been able to get passed 78 pounds…something always occurs and I give up.
I don’t want to give up but I do…
So with that said, I am going to surrender just a little bit more. I am going to try to write and read less. I am going to stop the ED forums. I am going to eat three meals a day, shooting for 750 calories a day or less. I am going to bring the scale home so I am able to weigh every morning after peeing and on an empty stomach. Instead of being this tortured soul who has an eating disorder I want to adapt this as my lifestyle…I want to stop being so fucking depressed and comparing myself to other ED girls online. My ultimate goal is to continue losing weight, but I can’t do that if I keep bingeing my ass off. So if I stop the triggering sites and eat at regular intervals, I should be able to fucking do this.
Maybe along the way I will devote more of myself to recovery (the more I go to meetings, the more I see that as a real possibility), but for now I am “playing things by ear.”
I just want this week to be over…I want the work transition to be done with, I want all the paperwoek finished, I want to be put on part-time, I want to eat cleanly, I want to be weightless and free.
Free of these burdens…free of myself.
Going to Any Length for Recovery
In our meeting last night, I shared that if I had been diagnosed with Cancer, I would be doing everything my doctor recommended in order to increase my chances of survival. No excuse would come in my way because treating my Cancer would be my first priority. I feel most people would do the same if they were told their chances of survival increasing depended on how much they took care of themselves.
I wish more people with addictions would treat it as if they had a terminal illness. If we put our recovery at first priority, everything else in our lives would be better. Because without recovery, seldom do we get the sanity, serenity, and peace with everything else that goes on in our lives, whether that be relationships, work, home life, finances, family, etc.
Step 1: Question 7, 8, 9
7.) Do I acknowledge that my current methods of managing have not been successful, and I need to find a new approach to life? Explain.
I suppose my current way of managing my life, which was not attending OA meetings, has not been very successful. I remember when I first began my job, I emailed my sponsor saying that I felt like I didn’t need OA anymore. But the longer I was at my job, and the longer I was on a diet, the worse my life had become. True, I could have been just as unhappy if I hadn’t stopped attending OA, but I’m not so sure that would have been the case. That doesn’t matter much now. What matters now is that I acknowledge that my life isn’t going how I want it to, I’m unhappy with my current situation, and I still want to lose more weight. I acknowledge the fact that I need some sort of outside help, and because I cannot afford to go to therapy, meetings seem like a pretty good option. And maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that I got laid-off; I’ll now be able to go to two meetings a week instead of just one.
8.) Am I ready to change and to learn? Why?
I don’t think I’m ready to change my behavior. I’m scared that if I go on a maintenance plan, I’ll gain all the weight back. I suppose that’s my anorexic brain thinking, because logically I lost all this weight eating MORE food than I am right now. When I started my diet, I had no fear and put my trust into the food plan. I had faith that if I did what it said, I would lose weight. And I did. It was slow, but it worked. But NOW when I think of putting my trust into a maintenance plan, I freak out, even though deep down I know I would probaby get the same results. I know I would maintain as long as I did what it said. So why do I have this irrational fear?
I keep putting myself “on hold.” I can’t decide whether I want to maintain this weight or lose more. I currently like my body the way it is, but I still get a rush everytime I see the number on the scale has gone down. So I keep just eating whatever as long as I know it would be under what I’m supposed to be eating. If I maintain, great. If I lose, great. I just can’t decide which one I want to stick with. And I’m wracked with guilt over it because I was never supposed to do this EVER AGAIN!
9.) Have I made appraisal of my experience and am I convinced that I can’t handle life through self-will alone? Explain.
From past experience, yes, I am convinced I wouldn’t be able to beat anorexia by myself. I guess this time ’round proves that point as well. I was convinced I could go on a diet without it spinning out of control, but eventually it did. I keep telling myself that I’m just being a drama queen because I’m not underweight (as determined by my BMI), I still have a period, I don’t look emaciated, I didn’t lose the weight quickly, I still eat junk food, etc., etc. But I told myself these same things when I was 78 pounds.
So once again I feel like I need outside perspective.
Triggered
So an acquaintance from high school randomly messaged me asking for advice on anorexia. I was never very close to this person and we’ve spoken (online) maybe once in the last five years. She said she’d been struggling with it since high school. I never really know what to say to someone who asks for advice, because being an addict myself, it’s so hard to give advice knowing the person asking will probably never take it. I don’t know if she’s hit her bottom or not, but I told her my experience and what has worked for me (12 Step). I think she has a long road ahead of her because she asked if there was a book I could refer to her to help her. Maybe it’s worked for other people, but I really don’t think a book would ever cure anyone of any addiction. I told her that, and I also told her that recovery is a long process if she is serious. I don’t know if she’ll take the advice or ever use it, but the whole message is just very triggering.
I always thought I was the ONLY anorexic in my school. I’m sure there were others, but just not in my circle of friends and I was the only one who got “attention” for it. People knew I was anorexic. I never KNEW she was anorexic, and it’s a shock because she had been one of the first people to call me on it. So now I wonder whether or not she called me on it because she cared or because she was jealous. I was always jealous of her because she was so skinny — probably skinnier than I was (although that may be my body distortion and dysmorphia talking). The first thing I told her in the message was about my time in inpatient and outpatient treatment centers — not to give her help but to BRAG. I always wanted to be the BEST anorexic, and now that I know I have/had competition, it triggers me.
Don’t get me wrong — it doesn’t trigger me to the point where I would go back, but I wanted to add her to my friends just so I could see what she looks like. Is she skinnier than I was at my lowest weight? I know she’s probably skinnier than me now; I’m at an average weight for my height. I do miss being underweight. Wow…I just did some calculating on the BMI calculator — I’d have to lose about 12 pounds to be considered “underweight.” UGH.
I hate this! I hate being in this body. I hate being this NUMBER. I hate being in the three digits. I vowed I’d never, ever hit three digits.
On the other had — at my internship (a substance abuse treatment center), a client told a counselor I was triggering because I was “too skinny.” It’s amazing the different perspectives of people.
