Weight, Food, Body Image
I’m not sure how much I weigh – whether I’ve gained even more weight since the last time I checked, or whether I lost weight. I feel, though, that if I keep thinking that I’m 20 pounds heavier than my hospital weight, I will eat whatever I want because “I might as well.” I feel like my eating is out of control – I’m not caring about what I eat anymore…and portion sizes continue to get a little bigger. At the same time I’m telling myself I need to cut out the snacks and limit my peanut butter intake, but that never happens. My brain says, “Your ** pounds, you might as well eat all you can because you are fat anyway.” My greatest fear is to “turn into” a compulsive overeater. It happens.
And onto body image…my clothes still fit tightly. That won’t change unless I lose weight or get new clothes (which I can’t afford to do right now). I’m not liking the way I look in clothes…I used to think I had big hips back then! Because I’m so short, even being slender doesn’t look slender on my body frame. My thighs, hips, and lower back are my problem areas. I want to exercise to tone, but I don’t have the motivation.
I’m going through a weird phase with my emotions – I’m often feeling nothing. I’m not happy but I’m not sad. I think it’s because of the economy – it’s freaking me out so much to the point where if I don’t think about it, I won’t feel anything. I can’t be happy because we can’t afford to do much right now, but I can’t be sad because I’m at a better place in my recovery than I ever have been and at least I have a home, food, and good people around me.
I’ve definitely been happier than I am now, but I don’t think it’s just me this time. I think everyone is going through a rough point during these hard economical times…I finally have a ligit reason to be scared, fearful, sad, angry, and depressed! Ha…
My brother living here is a confusing situation.
And to that – I shall go eat. I AM hungry.
PS: I’m now working on my 9th step.
