My body image has been so horrible these last few days. It’s gotten to the point where I cried over it, and I haven’t done that in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I decreased my meds without medical supervision, or if it’s because my period is coming, or if it’s just because I’ve been eating more than I would like. My cravings have been through the roof, and the worse my body image gets, the more I think about food.
I weighed myself this morning, and I seemed to have gained two pounds in one week. I’m not happy, and today I limited my food intake. I had a granola bar for breakfast, a smoothie for lunch, and a small dinner. Oh yeah, I had some beef jerky as a snack. It may not look like a lot of food, but I feel fat, bloated, full, and gross.
I got a sponser. Tomorrow we are going over my first step. I’m not sure what that entails, so we shall see. I’m sort of excited.
I hate my body. I really, really do. I can’t stand to be in my body, and I wish I was taller and leaner. I have huge hips and thighs. I need to start working out, but I hate working out more than anything. Which is why I am depressed, because although I’d like to lose my fat areas the healthy way, I won’t do it because I am lazy and unmotivated.
I’m really hoping this phase will end once my period comes and goes. Because I feel like I’m slipping. And lately I haven’t been sexual at all. I’m not sure if this is eating disorder related, but the urge to do anything intimate is gone and has been for months. I think that has to do with my meds. I want to get off them as soon as I can.
I hate this. I really wish I wasn’t feeling this way.