Journal (Weight/Body)

My body image has been so horrible these last few days. It’s gotten to the point where I cried over it, and I haven’t done that in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I decreased my meds without medical supervision, or if it’s because my period is coming, or if it’s just because I’ve been eating more than I would like. My cravings have been through the roof, and the worse my body image gets, the more I think about food.

I weighed myself this morning, and I seemed to have gained two pounds in one week. I’m not happy, and today I limited my food intake. I had a granola bar for breakfast, a smoothie for lunch, and a small dinner. Oh yeah, I had some beef jerky as a snack. It may not look like a lot of food, but I feel fat, bloated, full, and gross.

I got a sponser. Tomorrow we are going over my first step. I’m not sure what that entails, so we shall see. I’m sort of excited.

I hate my body. I really, really do. I can’t stand to be in my body, and I wish I was taller and leaner. I have huge hips and thighs. I need to start working out, but I hate working out more than anything. Which is why I am depressed, because although I’d like to lose my fat areas the healthy way, I won’t do it because I am lazy and unmotivated.

I’m really hoping this phase will end once my period comes and goes. Because I feel like I’m slipping. And lately I haven’t been sexual at all. I’m not sure if this is eating disorder related, but the urge to do anything intimate is gone and has been for months. I think that has to do with my meds. I want to get off them as soon as I can.

I hate this. I really wish I wasn’t feeling this way.

Recovery Survey

The following is the the same exact survey I posted in the previous entry, however, this time I’m filling it out in regards to my life.

Dear Higher Power:

I am writing you this letter to tell you about my resentment and negative emotions, and to discover and express the positive feelings that you deserve. I am also writing this letter to ask for your support without demanding it.

ANGER

I don’t like: my financial situation.
I resent: my fiance’s family.
I feel fustrated: when I can’t buy things that I want.
I feel furious: when my fiance’s ex does something negative.
I want: to be financially stable.

SADNESS

It hurts: when I think about my mom.
I feel disappointed: when I don’t live up to my potential.
I feel sad: when I think about life without my mom.
I feel unhappy: in the house we are living in.
I wish: we could afford a bigger house.

FEAR

It is painful: when my family members don’t understand what I’m going through.
I feel worried: that my life won’t be like I want it to be.
I feel afraid: that the world will end soon.
I feel scared: when I think about not being able to get pregnant.
I need: to work more.

REMORSE/APOLOGIES

I apologize: for all the immature things I’ve done in my relationship.
I feel embarrassed: when I think of those things I’ve done.
I am sorry: for all the hurt and worry I’ve caused.
I am willing: to dedicate my life to recovery.

LOVE/UNDERSTANDING/GRATITUDE/FORGIVENESS

I love: my fiance.
I appreciate: everything my fiance has done for me.
I realize: I need to take life one day at a time.
I forgive: those who don’t know any better.
I would like: to be content.
I trust: this will happen, in time, as long as I work the program.

Body Survey

The following is a “letter” to my Higher Power. I did not make this up. My sponser sent it to me. My answers are regarding my body/body image.

Dear Body (or Higher Power),

I am writing you this letter to tell you about my resentment and negative emotions, and to discover and express the positive feelings that you deserve. I am also writing this letter to ask for your support without demanding it.

ANGER

I don’t like: my hips.
I resent: others who look better than me.
I feel fustrated: when I look in the mirror.
I feel furious: when I look at myself naked.
I want: smaller hips and thighs.

SADNESS

It hurts: to know this is how my body looks.
I feel disappointed: when I get dressed/undressed.
I feel sad: when I see my fat.
I feel unhappy: when I think about my weight and body.
I wish: I could magically erase all my problem areas.

FEAR

It is painful: to be so insecure.
I feel worried: I will never accept what my body looks like.
I feel afraid: that I will get fatter.
I feel scared: after I eat.
I need: to be okay with my body.

REMORSE/APOLOGIES

I apologize: for doing damage to my body by starvation.
I feel embarrassed: when I am naked/getting dressed or undressed.
I am sorry: that I cannot accept my body.
I am willing: to work on this.

LOVE/UNDERSTANDING/GRATITUDE/FORGIVENESS

I love: my breasts.
I appreciate: my body as a working machine.
I realize: my body is a temple.
I forgive: myself for neglecting my body.
I would like: to like my body.
I trust: this will happen, in time, as long as I work the program.

God Grant Me Feb. 10th

“It is better to begin in the evening than not at all.”
-Enblish Proverb

Today’s Action
I will write out six ways that my life and world will be better as I stay sober one day, one moment at a time.

1.) I will be less stressed.
2.) I will be able to handle problems that used to baffle me in the past.
3.) I will respect others.
4.) My relationships will strengthen.
5.) I will find joy in my life.
6.) I will be humble.

OA Meeting (Dealing with Difficult Members)

So a few months ago I became secretary for one of my local meetings. In my area, most meetings only have around 2-4 people a meeting. It’s sad, but I guess Northern California isn’t a place where people have discovered the blessings of Overeaters Anonymous. I’ve been trying to post things online so more people would come, but so far, any newcomers that have made it never come back.

Anyway, a regular member and I closed the meeting because nobody was showing up. Once the other regulars found out, they were immediately calling asking us to reopen it so they could continue going. However, neither of them had been showing up for a few weeks before that. Why keep it open if they weren’t coming? So we decided to reopen it so they could keep going and figured maybe that’s what it took to keep the meeting alive.

Anyway – one of the members is very difficult to deal with. She can be very nice at times, but most of the time she talks to you like you are a complete idiot. She gives attitude in her voice and gives you a look like you are stupid. Today in the meeting I mentioned two literature options from which we could read and she couldn’t hear me and said, “WHAT?” with a mean look on her face and then I repeated myself more clearly and she said, “THOSE are our OPTIONS?” And then during the meeting she went outside to do who knows what, and then we she came back in she was just so not motivated to do anything and kept saying (while we were reading) how tired she was. And then after she freeshared she just left before the meeting was over.

So I sympathized a lot for this woman in earlier meetings. She opened up to me and told me a lot of things going on in her life. But if you BEG to reopen a meeting, at least ACT like you want to be there! Don’t interrupt it multiple times saying how tired you are and then LEAVE early! She’s so rude. Not just to the meeting but to individual members.

Anyway – I shared this with another member and he said that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. But he said most of the members just had to deal with it and realize that their sides of the streets were clean. He also said, “Why worry about one member’s attitude when you could be worrying about yourself and what you are going through.” He’s totally right. Why let her upset me when my life is going great? He told me I should just pray for her. I know her life isn’t where she wants it to be right now, and I also know she’s struggling big time. I’m sure she doesn’t mean to be rude on purpose. I just wish she could be a little more grateful. Uh. There I go again.

Step 1: Questions 5-9

5.) Have I tried to control myself and wound up demoralized? Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy?

Even when I succeed I always think I could have done better. I just don’t have the motivation. In my bingeing/starving days I ALWAYS tried to control my eating. If I tried too hard to starve, I’d end up bingeing. If I tried to hard to eat like a normal person, I’d starve. I could not control my eating. Either way I ended up hating myself in one way or another. I was a failure everyday.

6.) Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating? Why?

Yes, because I’ve already admitted it, and so far, it has.

7.) Do I acknowledge that my current methods of managing have not been successful, and I need to find a new approach?

I acknowledge that my past methods have not been successful. My new approach to life (OA, reocovery) has helped so much.

8.) Am I ready to change and to learn? Why?

I’m ready because I’ve felt too much pain for someone my age. My life literally fell apart at 15. Nobody deserves to go through what I did at 15 years old. At 21 I’ve embarked on an intense journey. without a new way of life, my life would be horrible. I need it for my everyday sanity, peace, and joy.

9.) Have I made an honest appraisal of my experience, and am I convinced that I can’t handle life through self-will alone? Explain.

Yes. I recently went to Hawaii and did not do one ounce of recovery. What happened? I was miserable in my own skin. 10 days of no recovery and I already slipped and fell off the recovery train. I HAVE to have recovery in my life in one way or another to stay at peace.

Step 1: Questions 2-4

2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?

PHYSICALLY: Caused fatigue, osteopenia, low strength, stomach problems, organ troubles (by refeeding), ketones, loss of period, loss of hair.

EMOTIONALLY: Depression, anger, rage, sadness, loneliness, irritable. Made me feel absolutely disgusting, ashamed, and horrible.

SPIRITUALLY: Never at peace. NEVER.

a. Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by? Explain.

I hate blaming EVERYTHING on my eating disorder, but of course I probably could have done better if I cared more. Of course the last few years I’ve just been “getting by,” because I’m lazy and unmotivated. I can do so much better. I don’t know what’s keeping me back.

b. What has it been like living with me at home?

I hate living with myself, because again, I don’t do anything. I enjoyed this life once, but this lifestyle doesn’t work in the real world. In high school dad was lonely with me at home because I withdrew. I was hard to live with/be around. I hate myself for that. God knows how hard it is/was for my fiance. I’m an extremely pessimistic person, jealous, overbearing at times. Negative. People need a lot of patience/tolerance to live with me.

c. Has chronic unhapiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage? How?

It used to. In high school I let go of all my friends. Hung out in the library. No food. No people. Relationship with Dad was non-existant. My first relationship in high school was toxic. I looked for comfort in “love,” and it did the exact opposite. Everywhere I went revolved around food – what food will be there, when/what I’d eat if anything/who would see me eating. My [present] relationship suffered greatly. It almost fell through. My fiance couldn’t handle the strength of my addiction.

d. Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness? Explain.

Now that I am in recovery, I am in touch with my feelings. When my eating disorder was active, I buried it inside. But my outside WAS what my inside was: painfully sad and miserable. I just didn’t tell anyone.

3. How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted? Explain.

Ha – if only my dad didn’t start dating [his significant other] and moving her in a couple of months after my mom died. If only my friends weren’t sluts and druggies. If only [my biggest high school crush] loved me. If only [my first boyfriend] wasn’t depressed. If only my high school counselor would leave me the Hell alone. If only my fiance didn’t make so many bad decisions in his past. If only his ex wasn’t a fucking loony. If only my dad would understand. If only my fiance’s mother would drop dead. If only my brothers TRIED to understand my eating disorder. If only (fill in the blank), my life would be PERFECT.

4. When and how has my life been unmanageable?

Most of my unmanageable life was in high school. The depression and cutting and laxative abuse and binge eating/starvation cycle was overwhelming and overbearing. I could function during the school day (barely), but at home I was an absolute wreck.

More later.

Step 1: Question 1 Continued

What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?

First solution ever: willpower. Willpower never works without help. A few counselors. I thought love would save me. Nothing has saved me ACCEPT OA and inpatient.

How have I used excess food to escape life’s problems?

I can tell you right now that a food addict’s best feeling is right before and during a binge. When I felt worthless, tired, disgusted, angry, hopeless, sad, or (fill in the blank), food filled that void pretty quickly. Eating after starving (even if I wasn’t hungry) felt so fucking good and amazing. Food (or lack thereof) allowed me to get my anger and sadness out. I used it as a tool of revenge. I used it to feel powerful. I felt awesome – for small moments at a time at least. I didn’t want to deal with anything, and with my eating disorder, all I had to focus on was myself.

Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?

Baked goods (except cake). Ate a whole box of donuts in one sitting. Cookies. Carbs in general. Chicken definitely. As of now I stay away from that as much as possible (except chicken). Eating behaviors? Does not following my food plan count? Old school behaviors would be the all hour bingeing, separating food, cutting food into tiny pieces, hiding food, flushing food, chewing and spitting food out. Oh yeah, peanut butter has been BIG trouble. Binge on full jars years ago – and now I find it slowly progressing back to that (puting more in my breakfast, taking a spoonful “for the road,” eating it out of the jar).

Have I returned to my former compulsive overeating behaviors after years in recovery?

This would technically be my first time ’round in recovery. Have I went back after months in remission? Yes. Have I slipped/relapsed since inpatient? Yes. Do I still have eating disorder thoughts and compulsions? Yes.

More later.

Step 1: Question 1

The follow had several parts, but it’s pretty late so I’ll only be doing the very first question to part one. My answer is exactly how I wrote in on the paper.

In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obsesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity–the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging. Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.

Hatred of self-image began early (puberty). Restrictive food behaviors began around age 13 in response to celebrity Britney Spears. I desperately wanted a flat stomach. Moderate restriction began ate 14. Weight around 90 pounds, height 5’0. Mother’s death at age 15 cause anorexia. Lost around 10-15 pounds through severe starvation and sometimes laxatives. Lowest weight: 80 lbs. Age 16 brought compulsive overeating in response to body’s failure to starve any longer. Bingeing would occur 7:00 AM until nighttime. Laxative use increased. Cutting a norm. Depression severe. VERY severe. Weight up between 96-100 lbs. Age 17 anorexia/bingeing/depression goes into remission. Relapse anorexia age 18 (few months only freshman year in college). Weight gradually decreases to 85 lbs. for a year or two. Severe relapse age 20 – in response to thinsperation online. Lowest weight: 78 lbs. Forced treatment (I wanted it, but not bad enough). Health consequences: hair loss, organ problems, osteopenia, loss of period (age 15), ketones in urine.

God Grant Me Oct. 30

“To every disadvantage, there is a correspondng advantage.”
-W. Clement Stone

Today’s Action
Today I will think about what my present disadvantages and character defects are that need to be transformed into advantages and assets.

Let’s see. I sort of already did this a few entries back when I wrote a list of my character defects. I wrote what my defects did FOR me and what they did TO me. However, I never really saw what they could do for me in a positive way. For example, what good can my jealousy bring me? How on earth can I turn my jealousy into an advantage? While I ponder that, I’ll think of my current disadvantages instead.

1.) My age

Disadvantage: My age keeps people from taking me seriously. Therefore, what I say doesn’t get taken into consideration. My age also makes it harder for me to make great decisions. I’m not old enough to carry that wisdom some older people have. My age has a lot to do with the immaturities and insecurities I still have despite what I’ve been through.

 Advantage: A lot of people would die to be my age. I still have my youth, and I have A LOT of life to live. I’m at an age where the possibilities are endless. I have my health, my friends, my family, and an openess to take what life throws at me.

2.) Inexperience

Disadvantage: My inexperience is keeping me from getting me a JOB. Because I have no experience, I’ve been turned down for jobs. Even small jobs like retail are turning me down because I’ve never had retail experience! How am I supposed to get ANY job when nobody wants someone with no experience? Isn’t this why I went to college?!

Advantage: My lack of experience makes it so my brain is WIDE OPEN to learn and absorb a lot of information. Also, it allows me to learn and grow. My lack of experience allows me to maybe bring things to the table that others may haven’t. I can use my lack of experience to my advantage by educating myself on several things rather than just one thing. And this is pretty much BS because I really do not KNOW how one can turn lack of experience into an advantage.

This assignment is really, really hard. My brain is hurting right now, lol. I’m going to write a different entry.