Journal (Body Image)
Ever since I got back from vacation I’ve had horrible body image. I gained around two pounds after my trip (big deal in my eyes), and lost maybe one in the two or three weeks since I’ve been back. So I guess that proves I’m not starving or else I’d be losing a lot more. But that doesn’t mean I’m eating three meals a day either. I think I’m (I know) restricting in hopes of just getting back to where I was. But even before Hawaii I wasn’t eating three meals a day because I’ve been waking up around noon on a daily basis (not because of depression, but because I go to bed way late). I am scared to start waking up early in the morning, because then I’ll know my body will want me to eat three meals a day.
I just want to be back at the weight I was before the trip. I really don’t like the way my body is right now. Sometimes I do, mostly in certain clothes. But when I’m naked or in my underwear, unless I’m near my boyfriend, I don’t feel sexy or cute or nice. Or THIN. I just feel sort of fat.
But then there are times when I bend a certain way in the mirror, or suck in, or turn my torso I will look sickly thin. Like when I bend over my rib cage shows. Or when I stretch out my chest my chest bones show. When I lift my arms in the air my ribs show. When I flex my arm a certain way my upper arms look skeletal. My fingers are totally bony still. But that doesn’t help, because my brain keeps saying, “Don’t you want to look like that WITHOUT having to do special tricks with your body?”
Of course, I do. But I also know that isn’t healthy. Or is it? I still got my period at my lowest weight. My test results were fine. (This is my ED talking, of course.)
I don’t know. Maybe once I start eating more fruits and veggies I’ll feel better. Right now I haven’t done too much of that. I’ll do like a cleansing of my body, ha. Maybe it’ll make me feel better.
