So I’m working on Step 4 of the 12 steps. The first part is to write about my flaws and then come up with assets that refute those flaws.
My list was pretty extensive and included being afraid, avoidant, careless, conceited, deceitful, dependent, dishonest, envying, exaggerating, forgetful, impatient, insecure, justifying, lazy, pessimistic, procrastinates, and rationalizing.
With these though, I was able to think of assets that refuted them. For example, in terms of my dishonesty, I’m actually quite honest when doing step work and writing in here, not being afraid to tell the truth about who I am or what I do.
However, there were four flaws that I literally could NOT think of assets to, so I’m assuming those are the ones I need to work on most:
Gossiping
Inconsiderate
Self-destructive
Selfish
Gossiping: I talk way too much about people behind their back, especially at work. When someone is talking crap about someone that I don’t like, I don’t hesitate to join in on the conversation. When I know something “juicy,” I seldom keep it to myself and tell it to anyone I know who would appreciate the information.
Inconsiderate: I rarely take other people’s feelings into consideration. My husband often surprises me with little romantic things and I never do. When people ask me how I am, I often answer and forget to ask them how THEY are doing. I often zone out when people are talking to me about something I don’t care about (even if they DO care). I don’t put my clients first nor do I really care where they go after they graduate from my program. I don’t send birthday cards to those who send me one.
Self-destructive: I almost didn’t even circle this one, but then I figured restricting my food intake and severely limiting my vegetable and fruit intake is doing damage to my body in the long run. The emotional toll it takes is pretty high as well. I’m angry/irritable more days than not.
Selfish: Putting my life in danger is selfish and unfair to my loved ones and potential children. I often get upset when our money is spent on unnecessary things but don’t think twice when I buy binge foods or new shoes or make-up. All of my actions are usually for my benefit.
Even when I was in hardcore recovery, I still struggled with these behaviors. But when I was in recovery, I had a better grasp of what was reality and could stop myself when I recognized the behaviors. In my eating disorder, I fully give into these things and don’t think twice. It made me feel like shit when I couldn’t think of an asset to go with these four flaws, but at the same time, at least I recognize them in this mind frame (seeing them as negative) vs. the ED mind frame (not giving a fuck).
They say you can’t fully work the steps unless you are abstinent from your eating disorder. That’s probably true. When I ask myself, “Can you stop yourself from being inconsiderate?” I think so, but at the same time, I’m more likely to be considerate of others when I’m thinking straight and not irritable from starving. I’m more likely be concerned with others when I’m eating healthy and taking care of my body. I’m more likely shut my mouth when I can be secure with myself and not needing the constant attention of others. And that is all easier when I am content, present, and well-fed.
So can I continue with the steps while I’m still restricting? I can try, but I’m not so sure how beneficial it will be, especially because I’m only really on Step 3 in my heart. Step 1, admit you have a problem. Check. Step 2, came to believe in a Higher Power. Check. Step 3, surrender. I’ve got nothing for you there.
Step 3 for me would be to eat three, moderate meals a day and to surrender my weight.
I keep saying, “Well, I’ll surrender my weight once I hit below 78 pounds.”
Which goes completely against what surrendering actually means. Surrendering means no conditions or terms, and unfortunately, I can’t do it yet.
