God Grant Me April 13th
“There are some people that if they don’t know, you can’t tell.”
-Louis Armstrong
Today’s Action
I will list the three favorite defenses I used when people tried to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. Then I will talk with my sponser or a recovery friend about how I am changing these defenses.
1.) “I’m not that bad.”
I think this is every addict’s number one defense. The reason why I wasn’t “that bad” was because I wasn’t at a BMI less than 15, I wasn’t fainting, my heart wasn’t abnormal, my blood pressure was fine, etc., etc. I wasn’t starving for days, I wasn’t bingeing, I wasn’t puking. Looking back now of course, although I didn’t have a lot of health problems a lot of anorexics do, I was still emotionally and spiritually in a really, really bad place. Oh and – although I was “fine,” I still battled ketones in my urine, osteopenia, and abnormal organ symptoms after being refed in inpatient.
2.) “I’m not really that thin.”
I still don’t really think I was that thin at my lowest weight. I’m on the fence with this one. On my really good recovery days I think I was too thin. On my bad recovery days, I think I looked like an average person. I know it’s bad, but I think I’m gonna go with, “I wasn’t THAT thin for an anorexic.” Horrible I know. Anyway – at my weight the doctor’s didn’t know why I was still menstrating, and they were surprised my hair wasn’t falling out in clumps and that I wasn’t fainting or experiencing heart problems.
3.) “I’m doing okay.”
“Okay” to me then and “okay” to me know mean two totally different things. When I was “okay” in my disease, I was still depressed, jealous, resentful, and insecure. I loathed my body. If I were feeling that way today, I KNOW I wouldn’t BE okay. Okay to me now is when I feel good about myself and my current situation. Okay to me now is even though I may be having a bad day, I still feel I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
God Grant Me April 9th
“If you were going to die soon and had only one call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?”
-Stephen Levine
Today’s Action
I will imagine that I don’t have long to live and have only one call I can make. Who will I call and what will I say? And why am I waiting? I will make that call today. If I need it, I will get the support of a friend.
Well, if I didn’t have long to live, I’d definitely make a call to my fiance. I’d tell him that I loved him, and that he’s enriched my life and filled it with neverending love. I’d thank him for being him. I’d tell him that I’d always be with him.
I’ve probably already written this, but recovery had opened my heart to unconditionally love my fiance. During my disease I often resented my fiance for things he did way before he even knew me. I resented his choices, his desicisions, and lifestyle. I tried to change him in order to make MYSELF happy. Recovery has taught me that I need to change myself in order to be happy with HIM. I now think he’s the most amazing, wonderful man on the planet, and I feel very lucky to be with him.
