Food Plan Day 4

So I think I’ve managed to stay between 600-800 calories the entire week. One of my clients brought in Valentine’s Day candy, and needless to say, I’ve been hitting that up quite a bit. I tried to get rid of as much as I could, but there was still some leftover and I’m currently eating it now. I don’t know how many calories are in each little thing, but for the past three days I’ve been compensating other calories to make up for it.

I’m going to weigh myself today for the first time in almost a week. I’m hoping I will see a number less than the number before, which was 82 pounds. I’m still on my period, but it’s on the tail-end of it and my boobs are no longer sore. So we’ll see if I’ve dropped any period weight.

Good news on the job front — my company is shutting down. I know that doesn’t sound like good news, but my program is being taken over by a different company. There’s a good chance they will keep me on as their counselor and use the same facility I’m in right now. So really, the only thing that would be changing for me is hours, pay, and management. Best case scenario is they hire me part-time at the same pay-rate. Worse case scenario is they pay me less, essentially making it so I’d be making less than I would if I just went on unemployment. As much as I’d love to go on unemployment and not work, the guilt I feel for not having a job and the pressure of having to FIND one is just not worth it to me. I’d rather be paid less and actually have employment.

Anyway — I just got done eating three Valentine Hershey’s chocolate miniature things. That was probably over 200 calories. I just calculated my daily food intake without the chocolate, and it’s 515 for the day. So that gives me 275 calories left over to spare — the chocolate may have been over that, but oh well. It’s gone now and I won’t have anymore to tempt me.

That reminds me — if my work hours do change, it’s going to be a lot harder for me to stick to such a rigid diet. When I’m at home, the temptation to eat more is very high. Also, depending on when my hours are, I may be spending more time at home in the evenings, which means dinner with the husband. I’ll probably have to eat even less during the day to compensate for that.

Alright — I’m out.

Really?

philosophyofweightmanagement.blogspot.com has kindly told me that my food plan contains too many sugars and not enough fiber. He/she informed me that sugar is an appetite stimulus and condescendingly asked if I really needed that much appetite stimulus.

Well, I have no idea what I need, but you can kindly take your triggering comments elsewhere and kiss my bony ass.

I appreciate helpful comments in regards to my recovery, but I don’t think its helpful to tell an anorectic she should really be on a low-carb diet. Thanks.

Picking my Abstinence

So I’ve been struggling with picking my abstinence. I’ve struggled with this the entire four years I’ve been in the OA program, because I think anyone who knows what I’m talking about understands how different abstinence in a food program differs from an alcohol program like AA.

I find it particularly hard even for an anorexic vs. a compulsive overeater. Compulsive overeaters abstain from compulsive overeating. Anorexics abstain from…dieting? Food restriction? What constitutes food restriction? What constitutes dieting? Are we not allowed to diet if we’ve gained an unhealthy amount of weight? If we get pregnant? What if we lose weight unconsciously? Is eating a salad for a meal breaking abstinence?

Guilt with Food Plan

I feel guilty for being on a food plan. It takes me quite a while  to figure out what I’m eating, measuring it, and entering it into sparkpeople.com. So I feel like I’m back in my anorexia in a way — mostly because I freak out if I go over an allotted amount and I have to have the RIGHT calculations, measurements, and amounts. I also feel guilty for it being a “weight loss” food plan.

But on the flip-side, I’m eating way healthier than I was before. Even when I thought I was following a food plan, I never took the time to read the labels on foods. So before when I would have “two servings” of pasta as my “carbs for the night,” I didn’t realize that 1/3 cup of pasta was like 300 calories (600 total). And that was JUST for the carb portion of my meal!

I also didn’t realize how fattening the microwavable foods were.

I’m getting in about 5 servings of real fruits and veggies a day which I’ve never done in my entire life (except in treatment). I’ve also cut out my soda intake and drink about 3 to 4 cups of the Crystal Light drinks a day.

The only downside is I start to get hungry about two hours after each meal.

I don’t know whether or not my guilt is “justified.” There are tons of people in OA who weigh and measure their food. But I know there are also a lot of anorexics who don’t because it’s triggering. I also have some guilt with the weight loss, but I’m also unhappy with what my body looks like (aren’t we all?).

It’s also making me question my abstinence. I believe I’m still abstinent, although my definition of said abstinence has changed over time. When I first got into recovery, my abstinence was no restricting whatsoever. However, at that time, I needed to gain weight.

It’s now evolved into “no anorexia behaviors,” however, one would count being on a “weight loss” food plan as an “anorexic behavior.” But this is what I classify to be MY anorexic behaviors:

1.) Putting less than was is called for of any serving of food.
2.) Weighing myself more than once a week.
3.) Lying to anyone about my food.
4.) Thinking about food excessively.
5.) Measuring any body parts.
6.) Skipping entire meals.

In all honesty I know I’m riding a pretty slippery slope. I have a caloric range and I always try to get my meals on the lower end of the scale than the higher. I figure as long as I never go under I’m ok.

We’ll see what happens.

My Food Plan

I’ve decided to follow my food plan. My current situation is quite bad (not regarding recovery), so I decided to put some routine in my life by following my food plan. I’ve had fears that I would gain even more weight by following it, but so far it’s lessened my depression by far. Following my food plan makes me feel organized, healthy, and nurturing towards by body. When I prepare my food I have a sense of unity with my own body; knowing that I’m taking care of myself is a great feeling.

I’ve declared myself a sponser, and although nobody has officially come to me and asked me to be their sponser, I know in time God will provide. As he will provide everything else I need during these hard financial times.