Weight Gain

Since hitting my lowest weight during the Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve gained six pounds. That’s a lot. Too much. For a while I was able to maintain a weight of 81 pounds on 1500ish calories and then I started playing around with my food. Needless to say I’ve been out of control with it, both restricting and overeating and the only thing I have to show for it is consistent weight gain.

I’m around 84 pounds right now. It truly sickens me. Sickens me to the core. Logically I know I am underweight, but as I always say, weight is subjective. To me, 84 pounds is an average weight and I want to be 81 pounds or lower.
I’m going to try to eat as clean as possible this week. I try to comfort myself and say part of the weight gain is period related, although I don’t think that’s true.

I’m so incredibly frustrated because I still want to have a baby and right now that’s all on the back burner and will be until I can get my emotional shit together and we can get our finances straightened out. Even if I was at a healthy enough weight to get pregnant, I’m so terrified of my body changing. The fear is so great I’ve actually asked myself if I could live without having a baby. Hell, even if I didn’t have body image issues, the amount of time, energy, and money it takes to conceive with outside help is overwhelming. It’s almost enough to make me accept the fact that I will never have a kid of my own. People think it’s as easy as taking a pill and tada! Pregnant. But no…to make all the appointments, taking off work to go to them, paying thousands of dollars that insurance doesn’t cover, taking all the medication to boost the hormones, scheduling your days around when you are ovulating, trying not to strain your relationship, trying not to get your hopes up….and the thought of doing all of that and it not WORKING? That would be absolutely devastating.

Maybe the fact that I don’t even want to put myself through all that means I would make a terrible mother. There are plenty of women who would have started this process ages ago. Hell, we could have had a toddler by now if we just kept searching for another fertility center. But then I relapsed…how time fucking flies when you are having fun. Not.

It’s true though…it’s been almost a year since we stopped trying to pursue fertility treatment. How selfish I have been. I put my eating disorder first and what did it get me? Nothing good. I’m not even happy with my weight, so what was the goddam point?

PIG

I CAN’T STOP EATING.

Health Question

I’m posing this question to anyone who has ever compulsively ate or binged.

For years now I’ve noticed that after a binge, or after I’ve eaten compulsively (quickly), I get very, very sharp pains where my jaw meets my earlobes. Especially with crunchy foods like crackers or cereal. It lasts sporadically for a couple of minutes. This never occurs any other time, and I can go months or years without it ever occurring.

I’ve tried googling it, but I get back so many different things it’s hard to pinpoint an exact answer. Any help is much appreciated.

No Change in Recovery?

I thought getting back into meetings and completing a step study would help me get back on track with recovery. And although I do strive to live the principles of the 12 steps in my daily life, I haven’t been applying it to my food nor have I been applying it to my weight.

If I said my weight has stayed the same, I would be lying. Since last time I posted about my weight, I’ve lost two pounds. I can’t say that I consciously try to lose weight, although I’m not exactly making sure I get in all my food when I need a meal on the go.

This is an excuse, but work makes it hard to prepare a decent meal, and therefore I often just throw a chicken wrap together for dinner.

I realized I’ve been telling people, whether here, or on other websites, or in person, that my weight has been stable for the last few months. And I was actually believing that despite the scale telling me differently.

I keep telling myself, “just lose one more pound, and you’ll be an even 90 lbs.” But really? At 100 lbs. I wasn’t satisfied, nor was I happy at 98, or 96, or 95, etc., etc.

And why should I deserve to get pregnant when I’m constantly focused on my weight, or how thin I look? I constantly worry that if I were to get pregnant, all this “hard work” would have been for nothing. I actually told myself last night that i need to take pictures of my body now before I get fat so I can at least remember what it was like to be “thin.”

In my work, we tell our clients that you won’t recovery unless you want it. Unless you want it 100% in your heart. I want recovery AND I want to be thin. But that’s not possible. I’ve written it before, and I’ll write it again: I can’t have my cake and eat it too. It’s just not possible.

How was I foolish enough to think the 12-steps were going to magically pull me out of this relapse? I haven’t WANTED it to. Of course it wouldn’t work.

I toggled with the idea of going to an eating disorder counselor, but wouldn’t that just be a waste of money and time?

Eating Disorder Anonymous: Step 1

As many of you know, I’m apart of a weekly step study as well as working the steps independently. I’m apart of the Overeaters Anonymous program, although I’ve been looking up Eating Disorder Anonymous literature, and I think I’ll be switching over to their 12-step workbook for something different to do. So here we go with step 1: