Compulsive Overeater VS. Anorectic

When I started this blog, it began as a tool of my recovery as I continued my journey with Overeaters Anonymous, a 12-step program for eating disorders. If you are a new reader, and you go back to the beginning of this blog, you’ll see that the entries I wrote in 2007 were very different than the ones I write now.

I don’t talk much about the program anymore, even though I do occasionally post 12-step work. I feel disconnected from the program, especially now that I am in relapse, but even more so because the majority of people in the meetings are compulsive overeaters. What is strange is that I felt such at home with OA and never saw the differences of compulsive overeating and anorexia. I never once thought that the people there were lazy, or fat, or struggling with a problem lesser than mine. I never once thought that maybe, on some level, those who saw me secretly resented me for being underweight and not having issues with food as they did. I never saw those things, because recovery was too important for me to let those things get in the way. If people had issues, those issues were no business of mine, and if I had issues, then I wasn’t following the OA tradition of putting “principles before personalities.”

Now that I am in relapse, I see things totally differently. I don’t like talking about my relapse. I don’t like “complaining” about how hard it is to eat normally. I don’t like saying how I feel like I’m fat. Why? Because I know most of these overweight people who struggle with binge eating disorder are probably offended in some way.

I started the first OA group on facebook and a fellow member said she wished she could shake those who were underweight in order to convince them they weren’t fat. She went on to say how jealous she was of us, and how we had nothing to complain about until we knew what it felt like to be 200 + pounds.

Without going into too much detail and breaking anonymity, I responded by stating that posts like hers are part of the reason why I don’t feel comfortable speaking up about anorexia in an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. She then responded how she understood because she “used to be anorexic” but that it still frustrated her to see underweight people complain about being fat. For an “anorexic” who “understands,” I find it hard to believe she would get frustrated at someone who legitimately felt they were fat. She justified her rant by saying how people like me make her feel like crap because she wishes she could look like us. Last time I checked, how YOU feel is YOUR responsibility. I’m also pretty sure my weight, all 80 whopping pounds of it, does not have the power to make you feel like crap.

I can see how one can get frustrated. I, too, get frustrated when the Abercrombie-wearing, big sunglass-sporting, bleach-blonde, duck-lipped teenager complains about how fat she is when clearly, she knows she isn’t. But there’s a HUGE difference between that type of person and a person who sits in an OA meeting who may be desperate for help and in need of support.

If I could go to Eating Disorders Anonymous or Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, I would. But unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of living in LA or San Francisco where all those meetings are held. So until then, I will continue to attend OA. In the end, we ALL have issues with weight and food regardless if we are underweight and restricting, overweight and bingeing, or a mixture of both. I may not understand what it feels to be overweight. You may not understand what it feels like to be underweight. But regardless of what weight we are, we are all judged in one way or another. Being overweight sucks. But being very underweight isn’t a party either. Please don’t tell me you wish to be like me. An eating disorder is an eating disorder, and regardless of what we look like, we ALL feel like SHIT in the end.

Edit: BRILLIANT! She went on to say how anorectics don’t overeat (as in, AN ANOREXIC WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE!). I kindly let her know that I binge quite often. Her response? “But you only overeat because if you don’t you will die! I am fat and don’t need to overeat but I do anyway!”

*face palm to the highest degree.*

My Flaws (Step 4)

So I’m working on Step 4 of the 12 steps. The first part is to write about my flaws and then come up with assets that refute those flaws.

My list was pretty extensive and included being afraid, avoidant, careless, conceited, deceitful, dependent, dishonest, envying, exaggerating, forgetful, impatient, insecure, justifying, lazy, pessimistic, procrastinates, and rationalizing.

With these though, I was able to think of assets that refuted them. For example, in terms of my dishonesty, I’m actually quite honest when doing step work and writing in here, not being afraid to tell the truth about who I am or what I do.

However, there were four flaws that I literally could NOT think of assets to, so I’m assuming those are the ones I need to work on most:

Gossiping
Inconsiderate
Self-destructive
Selfish

Gossiping: I talk way too much about people behind their back, especially at work. When someone is talking crap about someone that I don’t like, I don’t hesitate to join in on the conversation. When I know something “juicy,” I seldom keep it to myself and tell it to anyone I know who would appreciate the information.

Inconsiderate: I rarely take other people’s feelings into consideration.  My husband often surprises me with little romantic things and I never do. When people ask me how I am, I often answer and forget to ask them how THEY are doing. I often zone out when people are talking to me about something I don’t care about (even if they DO care). I don’t put my clients first nor do I really care where they go after they graduate from my program. I don’t send birthday cards to those who send me one.

Self-destructive: I almost didn’t even circle this one, but then I figured restricting my food intake and severely limiting my vegetable and fruit intake is doing damage to my body in the long run. The emotional toll it takes is pretty high as well. I’m angry/irritable more days than not.

Selfish: Putting my life in danger is selfish and unfair to my loved ones and potential children. I often get upset when our money is spent on unnecessary things but don’t think twice when I buy binge foods or new shoes or make-up. All of my actions are usually for my benefit.

Even when I was in hardcore recovery, I still struggled with these behaviors. But when I was in recovery, I had a better grasp of what was reality and could stop myself when I recognized the behaviors. In my eating disorder, I fully give into these things and don’t think twice. It made me feel like shit when I couldn’t think of an asset to go with these four flaws, but at the same time, at least I recognize them in this mind frame (seeing them as negative) vs. the ED mind frame (not giving a fuck).

They say you can’t fully work the steps unless you are abstinent from your eating disorder. That’s probably true. When I ask myself, “Can you stop yourself from being inconsiderate?” I think so, but at the same time, I’m more likely to be considerate of others when I’m thinking straight and not irritable from starving. I’m more likely be concerned with others when I’m eating healthy and taking care of my body. I’m more likely shut my mouth when I can be secure with myself and not needing the constant attention of others. And that is all easier when I am content, present, and well-fed.

So can I continue with the steps while I’m still restricting? I can try, but I’m not so sure how beneficial it will be, especially because I’m only really on Step 3 in my heart. Step 1, admit you have a problem. Check. Step 2, came to believe in a Higher Power. Check. Step 3, surrender. I’ve got nothing for you there.

Step 3 for me would be to eat three, moderate meals a day and to surrender my weight.

I keep saying, “Well, I’ll surrender my weight once I hit below 78 pounds.”

Which goes completely against what surrendering actually means.  Surrendering means no conditions or terms, and unfortunately, I can’t do it yet.

Finally Back in the 70s

It’s hard sitting in 12 step meetings with the notion you have given up on changing your ED behaviors. Because then you sit there and say, “Okay, I am working a recovery program, but around what if it’s not the food?”

I ate a cupcake, cookie, and ten almonds yesterday so by the time the meeting rolled around my mind felt fried. I couldn’t put thoughts together and the thought of having to open my mouth and speak made my heart race. I was afraid I wouldn’t eve be able to put a coherent sentence together. I was so weak and tired from not eating that all I wanted to do was sleep.

When it finally got to my turn, despite feeling everything above, words did manage to explode out of my mouth and tears ensued. I told them I had no problems now with Step 1 (admitting a problem) and Step 2 (believing a Higher Power can help me) but Step 3 (turning everything over, or in other words, letting go of the ED) was a whole different story.

I feel tugged in different directions. I feel like the more I make myself vulnerable, the more I betray my eating disorder. It wants to be thoroughly protected and every time I go and speak in a meeting, it’s like I am slowly getting pulled away from the depths of something that already has a firm grip on me.

This morning a bulimic man from the meeting called me and told me he has been where I am now. Not wanting to give up the behaviors. Everything he was saying was making perfect sense, but all the while I could hear my ED telling me not to listen…because if I listened and took what he said to heart, I may actually get closer to wanting recovery again.

My eating disorder can’t have that.

Especially since I am finally 79 pounds again.

That will most likely change this weekend, but just the fact that I haven’t seen that number since Thanskgiving weekend? I am happy. My new work schedule almost makes it easy to eat less. I am actually excited for the week to come to see if I can continue this weight loss.

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Step Study — Step 2

Step 2 — Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

1.) Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction (eating disorder)?

Yes. The decision to lose weight under what is normal would be an “insane” decision to normal society. Granted I haven’t accomplished being grossly underweight, the want alone to be skeletal is irrational. The amount of food I eat a day could be considered insane, and the things it leads me to do are insane: bingeing, hoarding food, stealing food, eating uncooked food, eating food that is too hot, hiding food, etc. I’ve also gone back and forth on several online blogs/diaries on whether or not I’ve had a problem, I’ve posted half-naked pictures of myself in order to gain attention, I’ve weighed myself and treated the scale like my drug of choice, I’ve gone to insane measures to use the scale, I’ve had irrational thoughts like, “How much would I weight if I shaved my entire body?”,  I’ve completely put having a baby on the back burner in order to continue my eating disorder behavior.

Step Study: Week 1

I joined a 12 Step step study. I’ll be talking a little more about it in another post, but my assignment for this week is to read Chapter 3 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and the First Step of a program of my choice. I’m choosing to go with Eating Disorders Anonymous and I’ll be reading their version of Step 1.

I also have to answer 13 questions, six of which I’ll be doing in this post:

Step 2

1. How do you define sanity? What would a sane life look like? Which eating disorder related behaviors, habits, and attitudes kept you from acting sanely in the past?

Sanity is the ability to think rationally and logically. Sanity doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t make mistakes, or that life is going to go perfectly, it just means that when things go awry, we will be able to handle the situation without going back to old behaviors in order to try to control the situation. A sane life, for me, would include being able to get through the day without being too irritated, getting through the day without worrying about calories and weight, getting through the day without being so angry with the world. In terms of my past behaviors that have kept sanity from my life, that would mostly include the keeping secrets and isolating myself, whether that was physical or emotional isolation. The secrets made me feel guilty and resentful towards those who I was keeping those secrets from. The more I resented those people, the more I chose to disconnect from those people in order to protect my eating disorder. Weighing myself is another behavior that upped my insanity — I became very angry and bitter when I could not weigh myself. I had to become very sneaky in order to be able to weigh myself without others knowing. The scale and the number it read had complete control over my life.

Step 1 (Part 2)

2.) How have you tried to control your eating in the past? List foods you have binged on in the past and foods you have restricted.

I’ve tried controlling my eating by strict healthy dieting and then by pure restriction. I’ve restricted anything and everything and have binged on anything with sugar: candy, chocolate, cake, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, peanut butter, etc.

3.) Have you promised yourself or others in the past that you would stop using your eating disorder? Did you try to stop acting in eating disordered ways and fail? Have you tried to reduce your eating disordered behaviors and failed?

Yes. I told my husband I would work with my sponsor and go to meeting back in January of 2011 and I failed. I did go to meetings, but I didn’t really make an effort to stop losing weight or restricting my food intake. I’ve tried not to binge, but that’s impossible when you are restricting.

Stup Study: Step 11

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Reading

1.) Alcoholics Anonymous page 85, second paragraph to page 88.
2.) Chapter 11 in OA 12×12.
3.) Research, find, and buy at least one book that expands on your concept of a Higher Power and suggests a method of communication with that Higher Power.

Writing

1.) Write out (in one paragraph for each) goals in the following areas of your life:

Spiritual: My goal spiritually is to rely more on my Higher Power when I am afraid, particularly when it concerns “the end of the world” type stuff or death. I’ve come to the realization that faith is the only solution to this problem I have, because I can do nothing to stop a natural disaster or the event of my death when that occurs.

Health: Physically I would like to be in good health, although given my weight and eating habits, I’m not sure if I am or not. On a smaller scale, I do need to work on my dental hygiene given that I have to see a dentist four times a year instead of two. I cannot get myself to do a nightly routine when it comes to my teeth, and it’s something I have to do unless I want to continue paying more and more money for deep cleanings.

Family: My ultimate goal is to get pregnant. We are taking the necessary steps in doing so, but finances worry me and I often wonder if we are making a mistake. We still have a lot of debt, and trying to get pregnant with the help of doctors is going to add to that debt. But yes, my goal is to eventually have a child of my own.

Financial: My goal financially is to be out of debt and be able to live comfortably. Although right now I’m not really taking any active steps in doing that. I feel we live paycheck to paycheck, especially because my salary and hours were cut.

Career: My dream would be to not work at all, but considering the fact that I have to in order to live the way we do, my career goal would be to continue doing what I’m doing and be relatively happy about it. My goal is to continue to see the positives of my job (long weekends, friendly co-workers, mornings off, etc.) and continue learning all I can in order to be an effective counselor.

Personal Development: My ultimate goal is to be more humble. I want to stop gossiping completely, I want to stop divulging information about myself that people don’t need to know, I want to see my part in everything, I want to let go of resentment and blame, I want to see the good in people, have compassion, etc. I actively work on this goal on a daily basis.

Social: I don’t have many social goals as I am not a social person. But I have noticed that I have taken the effort to go out with friends when in the past I may have blown it off.

Leisure: I don’t have any leisure goals. If I did, it would involve dancing again or writing, but realistically I don’t have the willingness to begin either of those tasks. So right now, I’m okay with how I spend my free-time.

More later.

Eating Disorders Anonymous Step 3 (Part 2)

1.) Read Step 3. Journal on the spiritual growth needed to be able to move from Step 2 to Step 3.

Step 2 is about coming to believe in a Higher Power and Step 3 is turning out wills and lives over to that Higher Power. It’s easy to believe in something greater than ourselves, but it’s not so easy to turn our wills and lives over to that power. In order to make that leap from Step 2 to Step 3, we must have trust in that Higher Power that no matter what happens to us in our lives, everything will be okay. We must be able to give up that control. And giving up control doesn’t mean we don’t take action or responsibility. It just means we do the footwork and leave the results up the a power greater than us.

My Interpretation of Step 3

Disclaimer: I do not represent any particular 12-step program, nor do I speak for the program as a whole. This is my own interpretation of the 12-steps and a suggested way to look at them if you are struggling with any part of the 12-steps.

For more information on this series, click here.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

A lot of people don’t get passed Step 3 because they are unwilling to turn their will and lives over to the care of a Higher Power. I don’t blame them. If someone doesn’t believe in God or have any religious or spiritual background, it can seem very daunting to have to “turn our wills and lives over” as if we were in some cult.