What My ED Hears

The other day our intern brought my boss a cake for her 21 year sober birthday. I, of course, opted out of not having any. I don’t know if my boss (who knows about my eating disorder) was offended I wasn’t having any, curious as to why I wasn’t having any, or resentful because I wasn’t having any and she was…but here’s out this conversation went down:

Her: Do you want a piece of cake?
Me: No, thanks.

This is where normal conversations should end. When somebody says no, they mean no, or else they would have said otherwise. If they choose not to elaborate, that is their right. I didn’t feel like an explanation was necessary.

Her: Do you not like sweets?
Me: No, I do. I just don’t want any cake.

At this point, I was offended at the question and wanted to scream in her face, “IF YOU KNEW HOW MUCH SWEETS I ATE DURING ANY GIVEN BINGE, YOU WOULD NOT BE ASKING ME THESE FUCKING QUESTIONS.”

Her: Well, then what is it about cake?
Me: Nothing. For today, I just don’t WANT any.

Now, a rational human being would say she was just curious, or suspicious because I wasn’t eating cake, or interested in learning the ways of an anorectic. But my eating disorder says she was being a nosy bitch who needed to keep her mouth shut.

A part of me liked it. A part of me liked getting the attention around food. Especially because she is trying to watch her weight. She’s OVERWEIGHT and has openly admitted she has a problem/addiction to food but she’s not willing to work recovery around it. So of course my ED smiled in accomplishment because I had more willpower than her.

THEN…during group, one of my clients was graduating and upon leaving she said, “I’m still going to find a way to put some weight on you.”

My ED heard, “Well, of course this fat client thinks you are thin. An average person looks thin to her.”

Then another client chimed in and said, “NO! She’s perfect the way she is. She doesn’t need to gain ANYTHING!”

My ED heard, “You are AVERAGE.  You aren’t SKINNY enough.”

It’s so daunting and frustrating dealing with all these conflicting thoughts.

I’d Rather Not Say Anything Than Lie

I’ve ducked out pretty quickly the last two OA meetings I’ve been to. I really want to dodge all the fake chatter afterwards. I’m tired of people asking how I’m doing and I’m tired of giving them fake answers. I could tell them I’m doing all I can to get back into recovery. I could tell them I’m so happy to be there and am grateful for all their shares. I could tell them that I’m so thankful to be back because “it was time.” Or I could go the complete opposite direction and garner attention by telling them how I’m hanging in there, or that it’s a struggle, or “at least I’m trying.” But regardless it’s all so goddam fake. I hate it.

I go because I have to go. I go because I should go. I go because I’m hoping, on some level, that it will rub off on me like it did when I first started going to meetings. But to say I’m completely over my eating disorder is an understatement, as healthy as I feel I am, both physically and mentally. But to try to tell this to someone after a meeting? Hell to the no.

And you know what else I’ve noticed? I have a small resentment towards some of the long-time members who have yet to have any long-term length of abstinence. Now, granted I understand that with food, it’s not like it is with drinking or drug use. You can’t just stop eating food. You have to eat it or you will die. But it still goes to show that we don’t treat eating disorders the same as we do addiction. Out of all the long-time members that have been coming to the meetings I go to, I’d say only two or three (not including myself) have been able to maintain abstinence from their eating disorder for more than a year. My sponsor takes the gold with 15 years abstinence of her anorexia. This bothers me (the lack of abstinence in members), because if I pulled that shit time and time again (chronic relapsing), I would have been divorced a LONG time ago. I can’t fuck around with anorexia like these people can fuck around with their compulsive overeating. I’m sick and tired of hearing “I binged again” or “I’m struggling with my abstinence” or “I ate over blah, blah, blah.” If an alcoholic came into an AA meeting and continued to slip on alcohol, eventually people would have a hard time taking this guy seriously. But again, with food, it’s different. I think it’s more tolerated because, well, “it’s just food.” I understand the struggle. I understand what it’s like to be a compulsive overeater. I know what it’s like to relapse. But at what point do these people say ENOUGH?

I know I’m not the poster-child for recovery from anorexia. All my readers know that. I was unable to continue my abstinence that I had for almost three years. But man, recovery from food addiction, or any eating disorder, is such a bitch. It upsets me that there are not more members who have the ability to remain abstinent for a long period of time.

But I’ll just keep going back…taking what I can and leaving the rest…hoping that eventually everything will work out. It always does.

My Part

So for about a week now I feel like I’ve been too harsh on those online and too passive with my own real life clients in regards to their recovery.

So I’m trying to send out positivity and support to those online who I follow, and be firm with my clients at my job.

I’ve realized when I’m being harsh, I’m putting myself on a pedestal as if I have it all together. I don’t. I don’t think any of us really do, but I was riding a pretty high cloud the last few weeks and thought I was invincible for some ridiculous reason. I have to remember that just because things are good, doesn’t mean it can’t be taken away in an instant. I thought my life was perfect when I left treatment, and my house ended up burning down a few months later.  Everything I “loved” was taken away in the time it took for fire fighters to get to my home.

Sharing my Story

I shared my story at an OA meeting this morning. I’ve shared it before, but I think it was either a year or two years ago when I did. Back then it was more about me and how much drama I could pack into 15 minutes. I wanted people to feel sorry for me and then revel in how much recovery time I had. I used to become excited at the end of the month when we would have speakers and be disappointed when I wasn’t asked to share. Fast-forward to now and I couldn’t care less if I was asked or not. And so I have two years under my belt — in the big scheme of things that is still really early recovery! So when I told my sponsor of my two years, she asked me to speak. I wasn’t excited nor was I scared. It was just something I was happy to do.

Before I would have prepared everything I was going to say. I would have made sure I told everybody how tormented my childhood was (despite getting fed with a silver spoon…) and how bad it was when my mom died and how awful my father was. Then I’d talk about my husband’s crazy ex-wife and how nothing went right in my life. I’d exaggerate my health problems in order to get as much pity as possible. I’d end the whole fiasco with the ultimate downer — my house burning down. Then I’d spend like two minutes about how the program helped me.

I knew going into this share I wasn’t going to do ANY of that.  I wanted to keep it simple: how it was, what happened, and what it’s like now. I briefly shared my eating disorder  and treatment history. I mentioned some defects of character. I did mention my house burning down, but I feel that part of my life played an integral part in getting me into program. Then I spent time talking about how program has changed me. I also took the time to tell the group what I was grateful for. It was simple and quick and I was not sorry for omitting most of the gory details. I usually would go home and think, “Man, I forgot to say this” or “I wish I said that,” but this time I didn’t even think twice about what I said. I asked God to give the words before I spoke and he did and that’s that.

I did cry when I talked about my health problems, but oh well. I guess I was meant to at the time.

Anyone ever speak at a meeting? What was it like for you?