What if I Was Pregnant?

So after talking with my boss yesterday and receiving a comment on my last post regarding possible pregnancy, I went to the pharmacy to pick up a pregnancy test. At the last minute I saw candy bars on sale for 79 cents and hit that up, buying two to bring home. I placed them on top of the pregnancy test for no reason other than convenience, and the guy (who is in his early 20s) ringing up my stuff says the following:

Him: You staying out of trouble?
Me: *Awkward laugh* Yeah…
Him: I don’t know, that grin tells me differently. I see what you tried to do there, hide this under the candy bars.
Me: *Awkward laugh*
Him: So, are you hoping or no?
Me: *Awkward laugh* ….we are trying.

Then he goes on to say how he’s seen much “worse” being bought, like “rope for hog tying” and that he was “waiting until he was older” to have babies.

I was so appalled and embarrassed that I forgot to slide my card in the ATM slot. He was borderline flirting and affirming me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed for buying a pregnancy test. The fact of the matter is is that I wasn’t embarrassed in the first place until he asked such inappropriate questions that were none of his business!  Like, what if I wasn’t hoping to be pregnant? Did he really expect me to share that information with him? Granted he was young and we all put our foot in our mouths at some point in our lives, but I’m just glad there was nobody else in line with me. That would have been mortifying.

Anyway — I’m sure you are wondering if I’m pregnant or not. Well, after taking two tests, apparently I’m not. I will, however, take another test in two weeks if my period doesn’t come first. There is an off beat chance that I conceived a couple of days after that weird period (two weeks ago) and it could be too early to detect the HCG hormone. They say you can start feeling your breasts hurt one to two weeks after you conceive, so it would make sense if that were the case.

I should just not weigh myself until my breasts stop hurting, because today I weighed again and I’m back up again. I did eat more than I intended yesterday (probably in the 1500ish range) but I’m trying to get out of the habit of thinking that is “bad.”

This stage in my disorder, regardless if I’m really pregnant or not, has got me thinking about my priorities. I think what I’m doing (restricting my food intake) is just as bad as if someone were drinking alcohol while they were trying to conceive. If someone thought they may be pregnant, they would probably stop drinking until they knew for sure. So if I think I’m pregnant, I should probably start eating a normal amount until I know for sure. That would be common sense and the right thing to do. But honestly? I’m struggling with this. I’m struggling with the idea to eat more, even with the slim chance of being pregnant.

On the way home last night before buying the test, my hopes were high and I asked myself, “Okay, what if I really am pregnant?” My fear almost slipped away and I told myself, “Well, I would make an immediate appointment for a doctor and probably see a nutritionist to put me on a weight gain plan.” And I was okay with that. In that moment, driving home, I was okay with that and was almost excited by the idea. Excited that for once, I could eat food in ample amounts, food that was good for me, food that would make me feel better and give me the best possible chance of carrying a baby. I felt okay about weight gain, and my body changing, and numbers like “2500″ or “3500″ didn’t make me anxious. In that moment, if it was something I had to do for a baby, I would have done it in a heart beat.

But this morning is different. With two negative pregnancy tests and a number on the scale that I’m not happy with, the devil on my shoulder says I should keep my food intake the way it has been this entire week. So I’m struggling. It’s not easy to admit that. Could I possibly put ED aside for the next two weeks until I know for sure? I don’t know. In the end I could have had just one fucked up cycle this month and I could be worried for nothing. On the other hand, the one-in-a-million hand, I could be putting a little person’s life at risk for my own selfish reasons. And given that it’s the one-in-a-million hand, if I was pregnant, this could literally be the only time I am/was able to conceive naturally. That should be the decision maker, right there. And yet, even now, trying to convince myself to eat like a normal person today, my mind keeps saying one thing: No.

I’m a big believer in fate and signs, and there’s three scenarios going on in my head right now:

1.) God is going to help me get pregnant and then have me lose the baby to punish me.
2.) God is going to help me get pregnant in order to save me from my eating disorder.
3.) God is going to fuck with my head and make me think I’m pregnant in order to set my priorities where they should be.

Either way, all three would teach me one valuable lesson: stop being so selfish.

I can do this. I can eat normally for two weeks until I know. Right? Just for today, as they say in program, I can eat normally. I say it, but I don’t feel it.

Sigh.

Eating Disorder Dynamics

So there are two interesting dynamics going on with my eating disorder :

1.) The fact that I am a substance abuse counselor.

I don’t like telling my clients I am in “recovery” from addiction because then there is this notion that I am a strong person who has the ability to stay “clean and sober.” (Clients do not know I had an eating disorder an assume I am in recovery from drugs or alcohol.) Clients suddenly look up to me which makes it ten times harder to make any mistakes. It’s almost as if I can’t be human or else they will use that against me in order to fuel their own addictions — as in, “If YOU can’t be perfect, how am I supposed to be?” It’s the same when students balk when they see their teachers in a bar or when patients see their doctor’s smoking. Nobody likes a hypocrite, am I right?

I also don’t like telling people in the 12-step community that I am a substance abuse counselor. Similar to my clients, if the 12-step community knows I am a counselor and that I have relapsed, I’m afraid they will think, “You’re a counselor, shouldn’t you KNOW better?” or “How are you supposed to help all those people when you can’t even help yourself?”

So there lies the interesting dynamic — an addict who is an addiction counselor. How does that even work? It doesn’t work very well unless the recovery is strong.

2.) The fact that I want a baby.

A big part of my eating disorder is about staying child-like and young. It’s about not having to grow up and become a woman. And yet one of my biggest wishes is to get pregnant. And yet it’s never going to happen with my eating disorder. Someone my size probably wouldn’t be able to carry a baby to term (if I could even get pregnant at this weight). And let’s say I do get pregnant — getting pregnant means “getting fat.” The one thing I want most will make me the one thing I want least — fat. Everything about getting pregnant is the direct opposite of everything my eating disorder brings to the table: Getting pregnant and having a child is about womanhood, responsibility, growing up, eating right, caring for someone else other than yourself. Having an eating disorder is about staying child-like, being afraid to grow up, not eating at all, and being completely selfish.

And there you have it.

In-Depth Update (Body, Baby, and Work)

1.) My Body

My husband and I went to Las Vegas for a week, and needless to say, I wasn’t eating healthy foods as we had to eat out every meal. When I came home, I had gained four pounds. Whether or not it was true weight gain is not of my knowledge, because a week later I lost four pounds and was one pound lighter than I was before we left for the trip. I was very happy to see that much weight loss in one week, although when I look in the mirror, for some reason I see myself as bigger than ever. Not as big as I was at my highest weight, of course, but I do consider myself “fat.” The thought that I was 16 pounds lighter than I am now makes me feel like a loser.

2.) The Fertility Situation

We’ve gone to two fertility specialists. One is recommending In-Vitro Fertilization, which will cost us over $11,000. The second is recommending Artificial Insemination, which will cost us around $3,000-$4,000. We obviously want to go with the cheaper method, but our chances of getting pregnant with In-Vitro is pretty much a sure-fire thing, whereas Artificial Insemination is a gamble. And it’s hard when you can’t even trust your doctors. A part of me feels like the first doctor is only recommending IVF so they can get our money. But then another part of me feels like the second doctor is doing the same — recommending AI knowing our chances are lower in hopes we eventually have to do both procedures.

We are probably going to go with Artificial Insemination. The stupid thing is for TWO years we’ve been reading my husband’s semen analysis wrong. We thought he had between 6-8 million sperm. But in reality, is has a little over 20 million! So there actually is a good bet that AI would get me pregnant, but only 12% of that 20 million are actually moving sperm. So with AI, we are banking of the fact that my eggs will be stimulated enough (with help of medication) and that we insert it at the right time (ovulation) and that one of his good sperm actually make it in.

This ties in with my body image and weight. The first doctor who knows about my anorexia recommended I be at 105 pounds before getting pregnant. She also recommended getting a bone density screening to see if my osteopenia had worsened. I’m assuming this would be even more money unless my insurance covers it. The second doctor knew nothing about my anorexia because it was my choice not to say anything. Whether or not this was a bad choice, I have no idea. My ED says, “GO WITH THE SECOND DOCTOR! SHE’S NOT MAKING YOU GAIN WEIGHT!” Logically I know I have a better chance of conceiving with more meat on my bones, and I don’t need a doctor to tell me that. But my ED hopes I can get pregnant without having to gain weight, and my justification is, “LOOK AT NICOLE RICHIE! SHE GOT PREGNANT! SO DID ANGELINA JOLIE!”

Then I feel horribly selfish at the thought of putting a baby in danger because of my weight and vanity. I feel that I will be okay gaining weight once I’m pregnant, but I’m too scared to do it before. I’m trying not to think too hard until we actually make a decision to go through with this.

3.) My Job

The old company I worked for hired me back. I know, you must think I’m crazy after what they put me through. But the CEO was fired, I was put into the location closer to my home, and I’m in a program that doesn’t involve anything I was doing before. I don’t have to worry about strict legal rules and regulations in my charting, I don’t have to make treatment plans for my clients, I don’t have to refer them when they need extra services. I don’t need to make sure I have things done in a certain time frame, I don’t need to constantly update this and that, I don’t need to present anything to anyone, etc. My hours suck — I’m getting paid less than I am on unemployment, but I’m hoping my hours will increase and unemployment will compensate me for those extra hours. Getting back to work has been a scary thing, but I think the fear is better than the guilt when I’m not working at all.

I think that’s all for now…

Baby Woes and ED Thoughts

Today I’m in a sad place. I did some more reading on fertility treatments, regardless of what path we go down, it’s going to cost us quite a bit of money. And that’s money we don’t really have. It’s also going to take a lot of time, and if 2012 is real, we don’t have a lot of that either.

If I knew everything was going to be okay in 2012, and my husband was younger, I think I’d be able to accept this more. But I’m still hanging onto this notion that I must get pregnant NOW. I don’t think my husband necessarily cares that he is 37, but a part of me feels bad if we get pregnant and he’s like 40 or something. He already has an 8-year-old and a 12-year-old. Is he going to be okay with raising a whole ‘nother child? He assures me he is, but I still feel bad.

And what if 2012 really DOES happen? I want to know what it’s like to have a child before the world ends, yet it’s selfish to bring a child into the world if the world ends. HA! I sound like a crazy person.

And on top of everything, I’m still having ED thoughts! And that is also selfish. How can I conceive and be a good mother if I still have an ED?

I love feeling my bones and making myself look skinnier in the mirror by sucking in, bending over to see my back bones/ribs, angling my body, making my collar bones stick out, etc., etc. I think about the days to when I was fasting for six days straight. I romanticize the anorexia and it makes me miss it. And I DO miss it. I always used to say I didn’t, but what I didn’t miss was the BINGEING that followed the starvation. The cravings for food. I don’t miss THAT part of my ED. But I sure do miss the not eating. I firmly believe that if I never binged or had food cravings, I would have been able to starve forever.

And the INSANITY is health problems and negative consequences that were due to my anorexia were trophies for me. They didn’t make me want to stop. They didn’t make my life feel unmanageable. They didn’t make me sad or angry or guilty. I WANTED to be on the brink of death because that told me I was able to STARVE and be IN CONTROL and THIN and BETTER than everyone else. I was JEALOUS when the other anorexic in treatment had had a heart attack and I didn’t. I was JEALOUS when she had osteoporosis at 25 and I only had osteopenia.

I miss it. And I know that’s insane.

Some Good and Bad News

So do you want the good or bad news first?

We’ll start off with the bad news because it’s always better to end on a good note:

BAD: My husband got his semen analysis results back, and there’s been no change. He definitely does not have enough sperm to get me pregnant the natural way. It’s possible, but really rare. So our next step is to see an infertility specialist to see about other options. At this point I feel like giving up; the time, money, and energy it’s going to take to do this frustrates me to the max. I’m really, really trying not to have any expectations and just accept our situation. I’m trying to do what’s right in front of me and I’m trying to surrender the results. One step at a time. I’m trying not to read too much into artificial insemination or IVF until we actually talk to a specialist.

GOOD: I got a call for a job interview today. It’s only for a per diem position (on call or filling in for someone who is sick) but it’s something. If I get the job, it will also help with getting more experience and obtaining hours for my certification. It’s closer to my home than my other job was as well. My interview is on the 24th. We’ll see what happens.

Resentment and Pregnancy

I have a lot of resentment today. I feel (note the italicized feel) that everyone I know is getting pregnant or giving birth. Since my husband and I got his vasectomy reversal two years ago, we’ve been trying to have a baby. In that two years, I’m guessing around seven people I know have gotten pregnant or given birth, and that’s not even counting all the girls I went to high school with.

I found out two things today: One of my best friends is 10 weeks pregnant and she didn’t tell me personally. We always talked about how we’d be one of the first people we’d tell if either one of us got pregnant, but we’ve drifted since then. So I’m not surprised she didn’t let me know. I found out via facebook. The second thing is that my husband’s semen analysis appointment was cancelled after waiting a month for it to come.