I joined a 12 Step step study. I’ll be talking a little more about it in another post, but my assignment for this week is to read Chapter 3 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and the First Step of a program of my choice. I’m choosing to go with Eating Disorders Anonymous and I’ll be reading their version of Step 1.
I also have to answer 13 questions, six of which I’ll be doing in this post:
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
READING
1.) AA Big Book page 89 to the middle of page 96.
2.) Chapter 12 in OA 12×12.
WRITING (Part 1)
1.) Am I able to do, feel, and believe that which I could not do before on my unaided strength and resources alone?
Through completing the steps this time around, I haven’t noticed much of a change in terms of what I can do now that I couldn’t do before this step study.
2.) Do I feel that life is not a dead end, and not something to be endured or mastered?
Sometimes I feel that life is a dead end, and that it IS something I have to endure. I feel that the bulk of our lives is spent WORKING, we finally get to enjoy it once we are in OLD AGE, and then we DIE. Doesn’t seem like a great life to me, so I am really trying to enjoy those times I’m not working. This is something I’m struggling with, and I have a lot of resentments towards having to work for this very reason. As for “mastering” life, I don’t think anyone can “master” life as nobody is perfect, nobody is going to have a perfect life, and nobody is going to be great at everything.
3.) Do I have a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which I had thought myself incapable?
Again, this time ’round I already had a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, etc. I haven’t changed much during this step study. Not that that is a bad thing, because I needed this study to keep myself grounded with the recent “slip.”
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Reading
1.) Alcoholics Anonymous page 85, second paragraph to page 88.
2.) Chapter 11 in OA 12×12.
3.) Research, find, and buy at least one book that expands on your concept of a Higher Power and suggests a method of communication with that Higher Power.
Writing
1.) Write out (in one paragraph for each) goals in the following areas of your life:
Spiritual: My goal spiritually is to rely more on my Higher Power when I am afraid, particularly when it concerns “the end of the world” type stuff or death. I’ve come to the realization that faith is the only solution to this problem I have, because I can do nothing to stop a natural disaster or the event of my death when that occurs.
Health: Physically I would like to be in good health, although given my weight and eating habits, I’m not sure if I am or not. On a smaller scale, I do need to work on my dental hygiene given that I have to see a dentist four times a year instead of two. I cannot get myself to do a nightly routine when it comes to my teeth, and it’s something I have to do unless I want to continue paying more and more money for deep cleanings.
Family: My ultimate goal is to get pregnant. We are taking the necessary steps in doing so, but finances worry me and I often wonder if we are making a mistake. We still have a lot of debt, and trying to get pregnant with the help of doctors is going to add to that debt. But yes, my goal is to eventually have a child of my own.
Financial: My goal financially is to be out of debt and be able to live comfortably. Although right now I’m not really taking any active steps in doing that. I feel we live paycheck to paycheck, especially because my salary and hours were cut.
Career: My dream would be to not work at all, but considering the fact that I have to in order to live the way we do, my career goal would be to continue doing what I’m doing and be relatively happy about it. My goal is to continue to see the positives of my job (long weekends, friendly co-workers, mornings off, etc.) and continue learning all I can in order to be an effective counselor.
Personal Development: My ultimate goal is to be more humble. I want to stop gossiping completely, I want to stop divulging information about myself that people don’t need to know, I want to see my part in everything, I want to let go of resentment and blame, I want to see the good in people, have compassion, etc. I actively work on this goal on a daily basis.
Social: I don’t have many social goals as I am not a social person. But I have noticed that I have taken the effort to go out with friends when in the past I may have blown it off.
Leisure: I don’t have any leisure goals. If I did, it would involve dancing again or writing, but realistically I don’t have the willingness to begin either of those tasks. So right now, I’m okay with how I spend my free-time.
More later.
Disclaimer: I do not represent any particular 12-step program, nor do I speak for the program as a whole. This is my own interpretation of the 12-steps and a suggested way to look at them if you are struggling with any part of the 12-steps.
For more information on this series, click here.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
A lot of people don’t get passed Step 3 because they are unwilling to turn their will and lives over to the care of a Higher Power. I don’t blame them. If someone doesn’t believe in God or have any religious or spiritual background, it can seem very daunting to have to “turn our wills and lives over” as if we were in some cult.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Reading
1.) Chapter 3 in the OA 12×12
2.) Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter 4 (We Agnostics)
3.) Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 25
4.) Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter 5 up to pg. 63, 3rd paragraph.
5.) Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 452, paragraph 3.
Writing
1.) Find and write out the promises connected with Step 3 found on page 63 of Alcoholics Anonymous.
All sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
Disclaimer: I do not represent any particular 12-step program, nor do I speak for the program as a whole. This is my own interpretation of the 12-steps and a suggested way to look at them if you are struggling with any part of the 12-steps.
For more information on this series, click here.
Disclaimer: I do not represent any particular 12-step program, nor do I speak for the program as a whole. This is my own interpretation of the 12-steps and a suggested way to look at them if you are struggling with any part of the 12-steps.
So often I hear people shunning the 12-steps because of what they ask us to do. All this “powerlessness” and “Higher Power” talk scares a lot of people (including me at first) but the more I learned about the program, the more I was able understand the 12-steps for my own recovery. So I wanted to start a “series” of blog posts on my interpretation of the 12-steps. So starting with Step 1:
Does anyone have any information or experience with FA (Food Addicts Anonymous) or FAA (Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous)?
Firstly, why on earth did someone feel the need to start an FA meeting (founded in 1987) when Overeaters Anonymous already existed (for almost 30 years at that point)? And then why did someone feel the need to start FAA (founded in 1998) when there was already FA? I don’t get it!
I understand that both FA and FAA have very strict rules when it comes to food plans. But so does OA’s H.O.W program. And so does OA if you choose to have one.
I don’t know a lot about these two programs at all, but it seems with all these rules, they are forgetting that 12-step programs only offer suggestions and never force you to do anything. If this is incorrect, somebody please feel free to shed some light on this.
Also, I was looking up all these other 12-step programs. I understand that we all suffer from different things, whether that be alcoholism, eating disorders, drug addiction, compulsive gambling, etc., but why must we have separate meetings for each specific thing? Marijuana anonymous? Cocaine anonymous? Sex Addicts Anonymous? Sexual Compulsives Anonymous? Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous? Why all these similar groups? Why not just one?
It just seems to me like we have to differentiate ourselves in order to meet our own, selfish needs. Why are a lot of us unsuccessful in group recovery settings? Because we constantly focus on the differences rather than the similarities. Why must we start all these separate groups? To differentiate ourselves? To put ourselves into specific categories with people who “understand” us better?
To me that feels like a cop-out. It feels like an excuse to stay in our addictions. “I just don’t fit in with those other people.” or “Those people are way worse than I am.” or “Everything they say is so depressing.” or “Overeating/alcohol/drugs aren’t really my problem so I don’t get much out of it.”
“Overeating” wasn’t my main problem either, but because I wanted the recovery and I had no choice, I went to Overeaters Anonymous despite being one of two anorexics. But I fit in right away, because at that point in my life, I related to everybody in that room in one way or another. If I couldn’t relate to their addiction, or their lifestyle, or their cultural background, or their job, or their age, or their religion, I knew I could relate to their pain, their suffering, their loneliness, their guilt, their shame, their unhappiness. And who cares what causes those things? Alcohol? Drugs? Sex? Gambling? Eating? Not eating? It doesn’t even matter. What matters is we are all struggling to get better, and we can all help each other despite our ADDICTIONS telling us that we can’t because we “don’t relate.” Bullshit! We can help each other plenty if we just choose to get out of ourselves for one fucking, precious second.
Alright. This post went in a totally different direction that what I intended. My sincere apologies if I offended anyone.
“If you were going to die soon and had only one call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?”
-Stephen Levine
Today’s Action
I will imagine that I don’t have long to live and have only one call I can make. Who will I call and what will I say? And why am I waiting? I will make that call today. If I need it, I will get the support of a friend.
Well, if I didn’t have long to live, I’d definitely make a call to my fiance. I’d tell him that I loved him, and that he’s enriched my life and filled it with neverending love. I’d thank him for being him. I’d tell him that I’d always be with him.
I’ve probably already written this, but recovery had opened my heart to unconditionally love my fiance. During my disease I often resented my fiance for things he did way before he even knew me. I resented his choices, his desicisions, and lifestyle. I tried to change him in order to make MYSELF happy. Recovery has taught me that I need to change myself in order to be happy with HIM. I now think he’s the most amazing, wonderful man on the planet, and I feel very lucky to be with him.
