Edited 01.04.2010
This is the short version of my story. To read the longer version, click here.
I developed an eating disorder, more specifically, anorexia, when I was 15 after my mother passed away. Long story short, I suppose I used the eating disorder as a way to cope with her passing, as well as a way to gain control over my life and my body. I had always had insecurity issues revolving around my appearance and weight; an eating disorder was almost inevitable with my addictive personality. After a while the disease became my life, my best friend, my confidant, my lover…I couldn’t imagine life without it and eventually accepted it as a part of my being.
Needless to say after five years of weight loss, broken relationships, pain, suffering, depression, anxiety, and health problems among other things, I entered in both an intensive outpatient program and an inpatient program. I was in inpatient for six weeks and outpatient for 12; both worked in kick-starting my recovery but neither worked in making it last. I relapsed a few months out of program and then my house burned down.
At this point in my life what more could I lose? I started going to Overeaters Anonymous hoping for an answer, and I eventually got one. I’ve been going to OA since 2007 and have been abstinent from anorexia since 2008. It would take pages to write out everything about my eating disorder and everything about recovery, so I will just leave you with this:
OA has taught me to take responsibility for my actions. It has taught me to not take things personal. It has taught me to take care of myself and let others take care of themselves. It has taught me to be compassionate and patient. It has taught me to be kind and willing. It has taught me to let go of the past and stay in the present. It has taught me to deal with the future when it gets here. It has taught me to let others be who they are. It has taught me that whatever happens in my life is meant to and can only bring me good in the end.
By going to meetings and working the steps, I have seen many miracles. The biggest is my abstinence from anorexia. I never thought it would be possible, but I’ve done it. It’s not easy, but if I keep going back, life does get easier.
Update 01.12.2011
I’m currently in a relapse. As they say with addiction, this is part of the process. I never thought I would relapse, but I did. I’m not as bad as I was before, and I believe I’ve “caught” it just in time, but right now I’m trying to get back into meetings and accepting where I am with my body and weight. Join me again on this current struggle.
For the long version of my story, click here.
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hey
just wanted to say your story is very inspiring, i am a suffere and still do everyday but you have given me a little bit of hope – i wish you all the best in your recovery, if you need to chat im always here
So you struggle with an eating disorder, too? I developed Anorexia when I was sixteen years old. I am in college now and am still struggling with it. I have started recovery, but it is pretty difficult sometimes. Sure, I do have supportive family and friends… but sometimes I feel like no one really understands how I feel or what I am going through. At least in my case, I never understood Anorexia until I developed the awful disease. It’s nice to here from other women who know what I’m going through/can relate.
Right now I’m really struggling inside because ate a good meal to help my recovery… but I’m pretty full. I HATE the feeling of being full. It’s a huge trigger for me to restrict. Right now I’m just trying to dig deep and find the strength to keep fighting my Anorexia day by day, one step at a time. I am trying to remember that my life is more than the number on the scale. My worth is NOT based on how my clothes fit or what size I wear.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I think I just needed to talk (or type) to someone who I knew could relate to what I am going through. Thanks again.
Andi
hi,
my story is nothing like yours. people would make fun of me being so skinny, bc i guess they were jelous i coul eat wat eva n not gain any weight. then someone…very close to me, kept calling me fat. it sent me a whole mess of emotions. i was so confused. i looked in the miror and didnt c myself. i think im fat. i told my friend, it hurt, but she thinks its watever.. im growing use to the hunger pains, but im scared to get close to someone ht i really like, bc …if i cant stop….i dont wana hurt him. email me?
Hey,
Im a journalist and really want to find out more about eating disorders and write an article about it. I’d love to speak to people with really moving stories and delv deeper into the size zero debate. If your feeling up to talking to me comment me on my blog. Changing the worlds views on this belongs to you!
Hi,
I’m at the trying-to-recover on a daily basis stage. I’d love to share some thoughts.
I think it’s a great way to relieve some of the pressure because not many people actually get what we go through.
love to share my thoughts and feelings with you
May I use your blog in my senior research paper? I’ll site the author as “anonymous ” and I’ll credit your blog. I read your blog and was blown away at how your recovery story sounded like I myself was saying it. I’ve never seen such a personal but helpful blog- it’s completely truthful and honest; not trying to hide anything but putting it right out there for anyone to read is a huge step. Please contact me so I’ll know if I may use this blog in my paper- it would be a great help.
hello, my name is natalie, i am looking around for help on anorexia, as i am an anorexia myself. i have HIV, crabs and chlymedia i am wondering if these are any of the symptoms of anorexia. please contact me, 07830492937 x x
You are an inspiration. Reading your story gives me hope. I can’t wait to read more of your blog.
Dear recoveringanorexic:
My name is Leora Trub and I am a student in the Clinical Psychology Ph.D. Program at The Graduate Center of the City University of New York (CUNY). I am conducting a study of the reasons that people blog and what benefits it brings, which at this point are still largely unexplored in research studies. I am therefore reaching out to you as a blogger who can help deepen our understanding of this phenomenon. I believe that your voice is an important one to be heard and hope you will enjoy participating in the study. I have developed an online questionnaire that asks about specific aspects of blogging as well as asking about feelings about yourself and others in your life. The survey is a mix of numerical scales and opportunities to reflect in an open-ended format about the role of blogging in your life, and how it has changed over time.
You are eligible to participate if you are at least 21 years of age and have been maintaining an English-language personal blog for at least six months that you update or visit at least twice a week (on average). Your participation involves completing a confidential online questionnaire. The data will be downloaded onto a secure server to which only I have access. No identifying information, such as your names or address, will be collected. If you desire, you may choose not to share your blog name, in which case I will not access your blog for any reason after this point. If you do share your blog name, it will NOT be connected to your responses in the survey. Additionally, you will be given the opportunity to be identified by a code name in research reports and to have your blog description changed slightly so it cannot be identified.
The survey takes approximately 45 minutes to complete and participation is completely voluntary. Three participants who complete the survey will be randomly selected by a lottery to receive a $75 cash prize.
There are no foreseeable risks to participation in the study. Although some of the questions are personal in nature, participation in the study provides an opportunity to think about the role that your blog plays in your life.
If you have any questions about this research, you can contact me at (732) 407-7928 or ltrub@gc.cuny.edu, or my advisors Dr. Arietta Slade at (212) 650-5658 or arietta.slade@gmail.com and Dr. Tracey Revenson at (212) 817-8709 or trevenson@gc.cuny.edu.
The study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of the Graduate School of the City University of New York and meets of their guidelines as well as all state and federal guidelines for research with human participants. If you have any concerns about the project at any time, you can contact Ms. Kay Powell, Institutional Review Board at the Graduate School of the City University of New York (212) 817-7525 or kpowell@gc.cuny.edu.
In order to participate in this study, I need to send you an invitation through survey monkey. If you are interested, please send an email to ltrub@gc.cuny.edu from the email address to which you would like the invitation sent. I hope that you will decide to participate and also that you will share it with others if you decide you would like to. Please feel free to contact me with any questions.
Sincerely,
Leora Trub, M.A.
Doctoral student in Clinical Psychology
Graduate School of the City University of New York
365 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10016-4309
ltrub@gc.cuny.edu
Do you have any suggestions on what might be the best way to encourage somebody with anorexia to get help?
Your story is so inspiring. I’ve suffered with anorexia for a little more than a year now and I just recently went home after a 9 week stay in a residential treatment facility. It’s so encouraging to hear stories like yours.
Good luck with your recovery, it sounds like you’ve been doing great so far.
You’re very strong
Hi, I have just begun to blog myself around a similar issue. But I just wanted to say how inspiring you are. Keep fighting and I hope you are back on track after your relapse.
R xxx
I’ve been suffering with an eating disorder for over a decade and have yet to admit it to anyone. I’ve recently started a blog of my own to try to, at least, being to admit it to myself and start to deal with my own issues.
Just want to say thank you for the effort you put into your blog. I am a new reader and I can identify with your story.
Hello,
Can I first start off by saying you are an inspiration to both yourself and other people suffering. I am writing about eating disorders for my final year at university and wondered if you minded if I could ask you a few questions and use you as a case study? Everything will be confidential and will only be read by myself and my marking tutor. Thanks Ellen
Firstly I would like to say that it’s a very couragous thing you have done getting help. You are strong and brave. I did have one question, did you find it difficult to relate to the people in the group since they had the opposite problem of overeating?
Sending you thoughts of healing – I love the bravery of your blog.
I wish you all the best!!
http://www.LoveandIDo.wordpress.com
my thoughts are with you, as i know personally how hard the situation is. It’s not easy – but you seem like you know that you’re the only person that can help yourself. Keep going and stay strong!
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I am currently anorexic and I need help. It’s taken over everything. All I think about when I go somewhere is how I’ll fool everyone into thinking I’m “not hungry” how I’ll show everyone that I’m “ok”. But truth is, Im not okay. I’m sick. And I hate the little games Ana plays with my mind. Sea controlling and I want her to go away.