My last entry sparked some interesting comments — comments agreeing with me, disagreeing with me, and both. But in the end, I have to ask myself,
“Is trying to make this my lifestyle REALLY working out for me?”
The short answer is no. Have I managed to significantly reduce my binges? Yes. But there is still a mental war I fight in my head everyday. There’s a part of me who tries to up my calories to at least 750 to manage my food cravings. And then there is that other part who thinks that is just too much. I usually end up restricting under that and then that leads to compulsive eating. I haven’t binged, no, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t dabbled in eating more than I intended to when nobody was around.
I realized this could never be a lifestyle choice when I have such insane thoughts as the following:
I was in Starbucks with my husband around closing time. He got a pastry and I got a mini-donut. The woman said, “We aren’t going to charge you for these as we are almost closing.” My husband then proceeded to joke and say, “Oh, then if that’s the case, we’ll take everything!” and the cashier said, “No, seriously, take what you want, we’re going to be throwing out the rest.” And let me tell you, there was tons of stuff left: donuts, cake pops, pastries, muffins, scones, brownies…in my head, my first thought was what else I could bring home and binge on for later. That’s not a normal thought, and if this were a lifestyle choice, I think I would be able to turn those types of thoughts on and off, but I can’t. They come, all the time, whether they are such thoughts as, “I wonder how much weight I would lose if I shaved my entire body” to “Wow, I could totally eat that entire box of donuts with no trouble.”
Yesterday at our last day of employment we were supposed to have a good-bye party…nobody really showed up because all they wanted to do was pick up their checks and go. Well, that left a table literally full of dessert goodies untouched, including 24 homemade cupcakes made by yours truly. I was literally angry. I was more angry that nobody was eating the food than I was that nobody decided to say good-bye to each other. I ended up taking home two big containers of cookies. So far I haven’t had the urge to binge on them, but I’m sure that time will come.
I’m finally back down to 80 pounds, and now that my work schedule has been reduced to part-time, I can relax at home and not eat until dinner time. I’m hoping this will quicken my weight loss.
So…I’ve admitted I have a problem. I wanted to believe so hard it wasn’t a problem because I wasn’t 60 pounds, because I was bingeing, because I wasn’t purging, because I was able to keep normal food down without worrying about it too much, because I’ve been stuck at the same weight for almost half a year. REAL anorexics lose weight quickly, they purge when they eat too much, they avoid going out to dinner, they have BMIs less than 15. But what I had to realize was that all of us are sick just the same…it just manifests itself differently. My current problem is restricting and then bingeing…that’s a problem in itself regardless of how much I weigh or what I look like. So now what?
Recovery just isn’t a viable option I want to pursue. I will continue going to the step study for my own sanity, but how close to sanity will I be when I’m trying to manage a recovery lifestyle alongside an eating disorder?
As much insanity I go through because of the eating disorder, there’s hardly any part of me that wants to stop what I’m doing. As much as I hate the weakness, the hunger, the bingeing…there’s a bigger part of me that fears weight gain and being normal. The thought of eating three average meals a day just makes me feel so awful. Logically I know when I was in recovery my life was so much better. It ran much more smoothly and I was generally happier then. So why is this so hard for me to just let go?
I fear I will never let go, and in the last five days since my last entry I’ve come closer to just accepting that. Just accepting that recovery just didn’t work out for me. That I am hopeless. But then I think I’m just playing the victim. If I really wanted to stop, I could stop. And that maybe if something drastic happened for the worse, I would stop. But wasn’t work intervening and my husband threatening to leave DRASTIC enough? Apparently not.
Because even now, despite those things happening, it’s as if it never really happened. I’m back where I was before I told my husband what was going on and life continues….I still have a job AND a husband….and an eating disorder.
Never give up hope,
Recovery is possible and eventually a time will come that you will decide for yourself that you want to change or someone else will step in and decide for you.
Your life may not have completely crumbled away yet due to your eating disorder but eventually your eating disordered world and real life will collide in an unattractive mess.
What benefits are you getting from restricting? Do you enjoy binging? Why isn’t recovery an option
Your missing out on life due to Ed’s talking.
I don’t think I have a problem for a lot of the same reasons as you although I do feel that my life would be a lot less anxiety ridden if I didn’t deal with the ED thoughts that cloud my brain. When you are relatively healthy it’s much easier to just convince yourself that it’s a lifestyle and not a disease. Being that I don’t feel I have a problem the concept of recovery is odd for me. Recovery from what? But I guess it would be recovery from those thoughts and behaviors that dominate your life and really cause a lot of issues and stress. I too am just sort of accepting this part of me as is. I don’t want to gain weight and be “fat.” I’m healthy, so I just do my best to minimize it’s overall impact on my life. Good luck to you as you navigate this and try to figure out what you want for yourself.
I couldn’t afford recovery-based treatment even if I wanted it. My personal plan, when I’m not feeling outright self-destructive, is to pick a weight I feel moderately acceptable at which is also not blatantly going to kill me, and then eat the number of calories that maintains that weight. It’s a struggle for me, too, because I binge and then feel I’m not allowed anything, which makes me afraid and then binge again. I don’t know if it’s maintainable without spiraling out of control. Because it’s so much easier to not eat at all, so much better feeling to be losing. I don’t know. Still striving for that balance.
Just letting you know you’re not alone in this!
As far as second-guessing yourself goes, I suspect everyone with an ED does it (which is yet another reason why the OMG I AM SO ANA!! crowd is ridiculous). I know I do–right now, my phases of restricting and binge/purging are so unpredictable it’s throwing me off, because in the past I would be either clearly AN or clearly BN for months to years at a time, and now it’s just a garbled mess…so if I can “switch” so easily from one behavior to the other, why can’t I just stop? I’m also not extremely phobic of food like I was during my first three years of AN, and I always compare myself to that time and feel like a fake compared to then.
In regard to recovery, although I don’t use that word, I do hope to manage/avoid behaviors someday, as you’ve done in the past. Although my ED has never exactly been under control since it started 11 years ago, there have been times it has gotten much more manageable and times it has gotten worse. Just because things get worse doesn’t mean they won’t ever get better. I guess I’m saying it’s something like 2 steps forward, 1 step back…but regardless, what I mean is that you shouldn’t give up on yourself just because at this moment, things aren’t the way you want them to be.
Thank you Scarlett, you have so much to say and it’s always so helpful.
I know you’ve been through recovery so you know how hard it can be and so many times it feels completely hopeless. I know I’m never going to let go of any of my eating disorder, I’ve just learned how to manage it better. How to make my hand move the food to my mouth and to chew and swallow it while that voice in my head.is screaming at me. I hate to think I might be normal like everyone else when I eat a normal amount of food.
It’s completely up to you what you do with your life and your body, but I urge you to think about what you want in your life and what you can’t get because of your eating disorder.
I can’t believe this. Wow. You just put in words exactly , well, me in a nutshell. You are so not alone. Wow. So amazing the similarities. I’m stunned. Someone else (you) gets it and others I’m sure. Now I don’t feel so alone so thank you.
Kt