So there are two interesting dynamics going on with my eating disorder :
1.) The fact that I am a substance abuse counselor.
I don’t like telling my clients I am in “recovery” from addiction because then there is this notion that I am a strong person who has the ability to stay “clean and sober.” (Clients do not know I had an eating disorder an assume I am in recovery from drugs or alcohol.) Clients suddenly look up to me which makes it ten times harder to make any mistakes. It’s almost as if I can’t be human or else they will use that against me in order to fuel their own addictions — as in, “If YOU can’t be perfect, how am I supposed to be?” It’s the same when students balk when they see their teachers in a bar or when patients see their doctor’s smoking. Nobody likes a hypocrite, am I right?
I also don’t like telling people in the 12-step community that I am a substance abuse counselor. Similar to my clients, if the 12-step community knows I am a counselor and that I have relapsed, I’m afraid they will think, “You’re a counselor, shouldn’t you KNOW better?” or “How are you supposed to help all those people when you can’t even help yourself?”
So there lies the interesting dynamic — an addict who is an addiction counselor. How does that even work? It doesn’t work very well unless the recovery is strong.
2.) The fact that I want a baby.
A big part of my eating disorder is about staying child-like and young. It’s about not having to grow up and become a woman. And yet one of my biggest wishes is to get pregnant. And yet it’s never going to happen with my eating disorder. Someone my size probably wouldn’t be able to carry a baby to term (if I could even get pregnant at this weight). And let’s say I do get pregnant — getting pregnant means “getting fat.” The one thing I want most will make me the one thing I want least — fat. Everything about getting pregnant is the direct opposite of everything my eating disorder brings to the table: Getting pregnant and having a child is about womanhood, responsibility, growing up, eating right, caring for someone else other than yourself. Having an eating disorder is about staying child-like, being afraid to grow up, not eating at all, and being completely selfish.
And there you have it.
I hate when people judge like you’re afraid they might if they find out your job. No one knows what a person is going through so they need to just shut up and leave it alone. Hopefully that’s what they do if they ever do find out.
I guess what you need to think about with the baby is if you really want this baby enough to get yourself better and stay better. Growing up is scary, I’m not really for it myself, but I don’t ever want children because I know that I could not take care of them properly and I don’t want to put a kid through that.
Wishing you the best, always.
Actually, I had a counsellor who was clearly falling back into ana.. I brought it up to her before I stopped.
(my biggest thing is she was seeing me for bulimia..and I felt as if she was judging me..and probably was as ana does that to a person..)
And I felt she had no right to be telling me the “right” way to eat and that I “could” be doing better when she clearly couldn’t.
She could’ve asked me about seeing another counsellor and explained her situation..
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As for wanting to be child-like, does your husband understand this need?
Maybe there’s other ways you can get that feeling without resorting to Ana.
I feel like anyone finding out about my ED is a hazard in any career. Currently, I work in a gym and have been sidetracked from pursuing a certain instructor certification because I was required to disclose whether or not I had an eating disorder; the coordinator of the program made it clear that there was no way I’d be hired with an ED (particularly a visible one). Even in my other job/internship, which is in business, I feel a huge pressure to hide my ED in order to remain employable. Although my disorder has not prevented me from accomplishing my work, my colleagues have begun to suspect, and are always prying and asking if anything is “wrong” and offering me food. Yeah, helpful…
My experience of 12 step groups is that I have never know someone who has been mistreated because they have relapsed. On the contrary, I find that most, if not all, receive people with love and concern.
Richard