Step Study — Step 2

Step 2 — Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

1.) Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction (eating disorder)?

Yes. The decision to lose weight under what is normal would be an “insane” decision to normal society. Granted I haven’t accomplished being grossly underweight, the want alone to be skeletal is irrational. The amount of food I eat a day could be considered insane, and the things it leads me to do are insane: bingeing, hoarding food, stealing food, eating uncooked food, eating food that is too hot, hiding food, etc. I’ve also gone back and forth on several online blogs/diaries on whether or not I’ve had a problem, I’ve posted half-naked pictures of myself in order to gain attention, I’ve weighed myself and treated the scale like my drug of choice, I’ve gone to insane measures to use the scale, I’ve had irrational thoughts like, “How much would I weight if I shaved my entire body?”,  I’ve completely put having a baby on the back burner in order to continue my eating disorder behavior.

2.) Did I ever injure myself or someone else while in my addiction (eating disorder)?

As for myself, I suppose severely restricting my diet will affect me in the long run, even if there are no immediate concerns now. In terms of the past, I have developed osteopenia (although my eating disorder tells me MOST girls with eating disorders have osteopenia and it’s NO BIG DEAL), but that’s the only real long-term side-effect I’ve had. In general, my body does suffer from the food restriction — it’s very difficult for me to get up in the mornings and get ready. I’m just too physically weak and tired to do much of anything. In terms of other people, I’ve never physically hurt anybody, but emotionally? Yes. My husband has felt angry, hurt, disappointed, resentment, fear and other things as a result of my eating disorder. I’ve also probably worried my family members, but I think most of them don’t understand how much of a problem it actually is.

3.) In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside my self can make me whole or solve my problems?

Well, my anorexia makes me feel like I am whole. It makes me feel like it’s MY THING and APART OF WHO I AM. There was a time where I knew this was a lie. There was a time when I felt completely whole without it. I could cope with life without restricting my food intake. I could cope with my body despite not knowing my weight. I could eat normally and not think twice (most of the time). And now just the thought of going back to that scares me. It should comfort me to know life is possible without an eating disorder, especially because I’ve lived that life, but for some reason, I don’t think that way anymore. I feel like I can balance both — ED and life without too much trouble.

4.) When we acted on our obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we thinking and feeling beforehand?

Well, it’s hard with anorexia because if I said my addiction was “not eating,” I’m literally not eating like 98% of the day. Even now as I am typing this, I am apparently taking part in my addiction as I am not eating. So to make things easier, I am taking apart in my addiction when I am hungry and purposely denying myself food in that moment.  In that moment and know the results will be starvation, irritability, frustration, sadness, insanity, and binge cravings. But at the same time, I also know that denying myself food will make me thinner, and that is what keeps me in the eating disorder. In terms of bingeing, even though I know the results will be hatred, feelings of being fat, embarrassment, shame, and physical discomfort, I go through with it anyway because my body is fighting against me. I tell myself, “I can always start over tomorrow” or “I deserve this” or “I screwed up, I may as well keep going…”

5.) Do I have any fears about coming to believe (in a power greater than myself)?

No. I firmly believe there is a power greater than myself out there in the world, and I choose to call him God.

6.) Can a power greater than myself relieve my obsession and help me recover?

I suppose so as this has already happened. I wouldn’t have surrendered the first time in recovery if I hadn’t had faith in a higher power. I had to believe that giving up my eating disorder was going to be okay. I had to believe that gaining weight was supposed to happen. I had to believe that I was a whole person without relying on anorexia. But I couldn’t do any of that without a higher power . Not because that higher power gave me strength, but because I felt like that higher power would take care of everything if I just did what I needed to do: eat right, not weigh myself, and work on my deeper issues.

7.) What evidence do I have that a higher power is working in my life?

Well, my current job situation makes me have more faith. I was so miserable at my current job, and I hoped that I would get laid-off or that my agency would shut down. Then when it happened and I was offered a new job right away with more pay, part-time, and in the same building, I thought, what more could I have asked for? It’s everything I wanted. Maybe it’s luck, but I think it was my higher power working for me.

8.) What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration of sanity?

No longer restricting my food intake. No longer weighing. Those two things are the biggest things, first and foremost. Then all the other things pretty much come secondary — knocking off the ED sites, no longer reading non-recovery blogs, no more food porn/thinspiration tumblrs, no more eating disorder movies/shows, etc.

9.) In what areas of my life do I need sanity now?

Work, although I think that’s going to occur in the next few weeks. And that eating disorder I guess. I keep telling myself that I can make this eating disorder apart of my life, it won’t be so difficult to maintain. But so far that hasn’t been working out too well for me.

10.) Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we are never able to deal with successfully before is evidence of sanity. Have I had experiences like these while in recovery? What are they?

Yes. When I was in recovery before, I was able to deal with most things in a calm, adult-like manner. I was able to settle things with my husband without fighting, I was able to let go of resentments towards his ex, my dad, my family. I was able to drive without anxiety. I was able to stop being so jealous and possessive. I was able to let go of anger, etc.

11.) What am I doing to work on overcoming any unrealistic expectation I may have about being restored to sanity?

I don’t really have any unrealistic expectations. Well, maybe I do. Trying to incorporate my eating disorder into my life as “normal” is probably an unrealistic expectation. I feel like doing that would restore me to sanity, when in reality, it just makes me more crazy trying to fit it in there. So what am I doing to overcome this? Well, doing these questions maybe, and going to the step-study. As of right now, nothing else, because I’m still very, very determined to keep my ED behaviors.

12.) What are the tools of the program and am I using them?

Phone: No. I was supposed to call my sponsor every morning, but I told her I hated it and stopped.
Meal plan: Sort of. I told myself I would allow myself 750 calories a day, but I usually go under that. My food is the same almost everyday, so I guess that counts as some sort of food plan. And in reality, this food plan does nothing for my recovery, so I can’t really call it a “tool of recovery.”
Sponsor: Am I utilizing my sponsor to my upmost ability? No. As of right now I’m not using her period now that I am in this step study. I was working my steps with her, but now that I’m working them in this study, I haven’t shared much with her.
Meetings: I can say I am doing this, twice a week.
Literature: I’m supposed to be reading 12-step literature as apart of the program, but I have not done that as I am “too busy.” That’s not true of course, I’m just lazy and too self-indulgent to make time for it.
Anonymity: I guess I use this, although I could be better. Although I am anonymous on this blog, I still post things for attention, like pictures of stats. Anonymity isn’t just about staying anonymous, it’s about being humble. Not bragging about yourself or who you are.
Writing: I do write, although the kind of writing I do probably doesn’t help my recovery either. 90% of my posts are ED/relapse related and other that these step-study posts, none really aid in helping me let go of my eating disorder.
Service: I’d like to think my job is being of service as I am a substance abuse counselor. Although at meetings, I don’t do much service as I hardly ever donate money, nor do I do any service positions. I do, however, run the largest OA group on facebook (900 members!)
Action Plan: I do not have an action plan. I used to (calling sponsor daily, three meetings a week, food plan of 1500 calories a day, but I stopped doing all three.)