I feel so desperate. I feel like time is running out and this effort to lose weight is in vain.
I read over my blog entries and it’s as if two different people are writing them. I see contradictions all the time (e.g. “I don’t have a problem” then “Wait, yes I do!”) One day I hate my life and the next I am saying I have it good. I wish I could just be honest with myself and my readers on how shit really is.
I do feel desperate. The more time passes where I don’t do anything about having a baby, the more I feel guilty. The more desperate I become to lose weight. The more desperate I become to lose weight, the more I restrict. The more I restrict, the more I overeat. The more I overeat, the more I starve in order to compensate. The more that cycle continues, the longer I stay stuck at 81 pounds.
81 pounds, BMI 15.8.
I read other people’s blogs and how they are losing weight quickly. Then I think of how much energy I spend restricting and realize how that makes me feel: like a loser, a failure, a wannabe, a poser, a bad anorectic.
I feel so dreadfully desperate to get down to 75 pounds because it’s like then I will be able to have a baby. I feel like once I have a kid (if I have a kid), I can no longer be anorexic. It’s like this is my last fucking shot to prove to myself I can make it to a BMI of 14. And the longer I take, the longer I stall on having a baby, and the worse it makes me feel.
I want to stop. I want to stop trying and actually start doing. I want my metabolism to kick in. I want the food cravings to no longer exist. I actually thought that if I fasted all week, at the end I would just finally give into recovery. That lasted 12 hours…
I feel defeated and angry. I am tired of trying to accomplish this, and yet at the same time I feel like I have to. I feel like I can’t give in. I feel like I have to be eating disordered or else there will be nothing for me.
I feel like it’s time to grow up now. I am reading a novel by Stephen King called 11/22/63. It’s about a guy who goes back in time to stop the assassination of JFK. The closer he gets to the day of the assassination, the more obstacles he must face. The past does not want to be changed and tries to make sure the guy cannot do it. I feel like that is my life. I have never been able to get passed 78 pounds…something always occurs and I give up.
I don’t want to give up but I do…
So with that said, I am going to surrender just a little bit more. I am going to try to write and read less. I am going to stop the ED forums. I am going to eat three meals a day, shooting for 750 calories a day or less. I am going to bring the scale home so I am able to weigh every morning after peeing and on an empty stomach. Instead of being this tortured soul who has an eating disorder I want to adapt this as my lifestyle…I want to stop being so fucking depressed and comparing myself to other ED girls online. My ultimate goal is to continue losing weight, but I can’t do that if I keep bingeing my ass off. So if I stop the triggering sites and eat at regular intervals, I should be able to fucking do this.
Maybe along the way I will devote more of myself to recovery (the more I go to meetings, the more I see that as a real possibility), but for now I am “playing things by ear.”
I just want this week to be over…I want the work transition to be done with, I want all the paperwoek finished, I want to be put on part-time, I want to eat cleanly, I want to be weightless and free.
Free of these burdens…free of myself.
I can relate to this. In the next few years (but not too soon!) I hope we will be able to have a kid; plus, my diabetes is probably going to get worse and require more care and more insulin (which makes losing weight harder). I feel like I need to (a) get as thin as possible and (b) be as disordered as possible while I still can, before I have to give up these behaviors for good. I cling to them, deliberately.
And at the same time, I am so sick and tired of dealing with them, I just want to leave them all behind.
*sigh*
In almost the same breath you talked about wanting to lose weight, feeling like you aren’t being a “good” anorectic for not losing weight fast enough, wanting to adopt this as a lifestyle but then maybe stumbling upon recovery along the way. Even in this same post is as if it’s written by two people just like you said. You clearly have competing interests…recovery….baby….ED…and it keeps changes. It just seems like a matter of which is going to win out. I understand your conflict of interests and it’s a tough battle.
So many things conflicting. I hope that you’re ok and can figure out what you need and what you want. This week will end fast. Tomorrow is already Wednesday! I wish you the best, as always.
damn it, and just when I finally came back to wordpress! …ha. Seriously, do what you think is best and know I’m always here for you. I hope I’m not a trigger but I know it’s basically impossible to have any ED relationship that isn’t competitive in some way.
take care and email me anytime. <3
Scarlett! Ahhhh so glad you are back. I am not leaving for good, just going to write less often. Like once or twice a week vs. Everday. And no ED sites meaning whyeat.net. I will still be reading blogs.
I know exactly how you feel! “I dont want to give it up…but I do” I say this to myself all the time, even now that I am 2 years past my anorexic days!
Great job in setting some goals!