I’ve realized how much simpler my life would be if I went solo and lived on my own. I would never dream of divorcing my husband, but I’m definitely more relaxed and feel free to be “me” when he’s not around. I’m able to sit at the computer for hours and watch the shows I want to watch and not feel bad when I don’t pick my clothes off the floor. I don’t have to feel pressured to have sex. I don’t have to talk when I get home from work. I don’t have to…the list goes on. If it were up to my eating disorder, I’d be single. I would get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, read, sleep, and do the whole thing over again on a semi-empty stomach. I could weigh myself whenever I wanted to, I could buy the foods only I eat, I could keep binge foods out of the house, I could eat however much I wanted, I could weigh however much I wanted to weigh. I wouldn’t have to answer to anybody, I’d be able to buy things for myself, I wouldn’t have to ask anyone’s damn opinion, I wouldn’t have anyone else to be responsible for or take anyone else into consideration. I could be selfish, selfish, selfish without any consequences.
I have a lot of resentments lately about life and being an adult. I resent my full time job because I feel like my entire life is living around work instead of work living around my life. My schedule is heinous — 11:00 – 7:30 PM. Plus 45 minutes tacked onto either end for the commute. I wake up around 9:00 AM and get home a little after 8:00 PM. So there’s not a lot of free time there during the week unless I wake up earlier or go to sleep later. So the week is pretty much shot. Then during the weekends I’m either resentful because the step-kids are around or because I feel absolutely guilty because all I want to do is sit around and watch TV while my husband wishes we could do something together. We have absolutely nothing in common. I’d rather be watching a movie but he’d rather be out kayaking or mountain biking. When God put us together he sure didn’t take THAT into consideration. And then it’s like…all my fucking friends are getting pregnant or having babies. I feel out of the loop there, so I starve some more to not deal with it, and then feel horrible because starving myself prolongs my ability to have kids, and then the cycle continues. So yeah — being an adult fucking sucks. It could be worse, I know, but man…I need to find something that makes me happy other than weight loss. I literally want to stick pencils in my eyes before I even get to work. (BTW, I work as a substance abuse counselor, so I have to spend all day listening to whiners and complainers just like me, and trust me, THAT gets DEPRESSING.)
Today’s total caloric intake was almost 700 calories. Not too bad. I ended up finishing that entire box of Valentine’s candy in three days. Had about 200 calories worth today. My weight loss this week is tremendously slow; I only lost .2 pounds from yesterday (81.0 pounds today). That’s good though considering I had like seven chocolates yesterday, ha! So bad. Then tonight when I got home, I started eating leftover chicken from the weekend and then immediately ran water over it so I wouldn’t eat it. Down the disposal it went. I hate wasting food, but I don’t want to eat anymore for the rest of the night.
When I look in the mirror, I definitely do not see what I see in the pictures I take of myself. So either the mirror lies or the pictures lie. Or maybe when I’m taking pictures I angle myself to make myself look thinner than I really am. I wish I could be thin enough to where I didn’t have to angle ANYTHING. I think weighing 75 pounds would do it; too bad I’ve never been able to break 78.
I’m getting fed up with everything — I just don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I think treatment would just be hopeless. How did the happy person in recovery become the miserable creature I am now? I say “I hate my life” at least once a day. Whether or not I’m serious when I say it is another story, but the fact that I get to a point where I have to say it at all is so fucking depressing. I should be grateful for all I have — a husband who hasn’t left me, a two-story home in a gated neighborhood, a full-time job, a relatively drama-free family, transportation, food, healthcare, etc. And yet — all I want to do is starve, lose weight, and watch the hours of recorded shows I’ve got on my DVR. Why couldn’t God have matched me up with a billionaire? I kid, I kid. But seriously.
I can so relate to your frustrations. However, I am not anorexic. In fact, I’m about 25 pounds overweight. I have never understood anorexia, but I understand needing to be in control. That is the disease (sin); anorexia (or drinking, or shopping, or exercising, or whatever) is the symptom. Satan will use anything — anything to distract us from Christ. And we are willing, because of our self-centeredness, which is the original sin we call needing to be in control.
I blame my husby compromising my self-discipline, but the truth is, he’s also what compromises my misery and depression. I love doing things with him, it’s only the increased temptation to bake cakes and tarts and cook dinner and buy our favorite treats and drink good wine that I hate. Maintaining my perfect 15 BMI was never a problem but now I have to work much harder to keep it up.
Still, that struggle to stay around 86lbs (I’m 5’3″) never clouds my appreciation of the fact that he gives much more than he costs – I have joy and the vivid appreciation for life I used to bury beneath gloomy thoughts and strict starvation has been in full swing again since we fell in love. 5 years of constantly having to starve to make up for indulgences and come down from 90lbs has also been 5 years of amazing closeness and love.
I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I think it helps to take the time to remember just how great one’s soulmate is and forgive them for fucking up your pantry and setting the stage for binges without even getting it.
Oh, and on another note, I fully relate to your earlier post about detesting the thought of developing a woman’s body. I’ve always felt like hot, twiggy jailbait, and I intend to look like all through my twenties. I don’t exercise either and I think that’s actually an advantage, because even running bulks you up a bit and screw that muscle weight and healthy, ‘toned’ look – I’ll take hip bones over strong calves any day. With any luck we’ll age like Sarah Jessica Parker, ever cute and minute (though her face is another story, sadly).
-G.W.
P.S. I think you look like super skinny Fiona Apple (back in the ’90s, for example in the video for Criminal or Sleep to Dream). She was somewhere between your height and mine, so quite petite, and she was a stick figure dream back in the day, so that’s a major compliment to you and I hope you take it that way.
I so relate to your comment! I’m glad there is someone who understands what I am saying. Also, thanks for the Fiona Apple comment…such a compliment!
True, well said! I think that all of these diseases are from the Devil. We sure as heck know that they are not from our God.
Don’t want to get into a religious debate, and I don’t necessarily disagree with your guys’ opinions, bit I personally don’t believe my ED is from the devil. Now it COULD be, I don’t know what truly exists or doesn’t, but for today I think differently. Just sayin’.
I hear ya! Being an adult sucks in a lot of ways. Work just sucks the life and energy and time out of you leaving not much for anything else. I love my hubby to death but yeah, he gets in the way of my restriction. Big time. If I were single though I’d be way worse off because he is really the one who brought any happiness I have into my life at all. So, it’s a delicate balance. Like everything else. I skip dinner when I can and try to limit indulgences b/c often I have no choice but to eat with him. Sucks. But it’s worth it. Hopefully, you and your husband can find time to do things together or things you want to do. Getting out of the house together is good for a relationships. I often want to sit around all day on weekends to but hubby is a go getter so I adapted a little bit. I find I’m usually glad I went out when I do. My friends are all having babies too and it’s annoying but only because I don’t want kids. It’s a phase of life that I’ll never share and I feel a bit left out at times but it’s my choice so….
I’m sorry about all the “satan/devil” comments.
I hope that you and your husband can find something to do together. But I know that it can be hard, especially since men can tend to want to eat a lot.
The embarrassing part is my husband totally eats healthy….like a nut! He barely ever eats unhealthy things so it makes me feel “fat” sometimes when I make certain food choices!
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