Apologies/Boss Conversation

I want to apologize for my long post yesterday (or last night, whichever). I feel like when I am triggered, I go into this manic state of denial and defensiveness and talk way too much about things that could be delivered in a more mature way than it is.

I think bringing up the Skinny Gossip website was a good discussion topic, but in the end I made the post all about me which is something I most always regret doing in the morning.

If you followed my relapse diary, my previous entry probably sounded similar to 90% of the entries found there. The whole reason why I started blogging in here again was to stay grounded and humble, and posting weight related things and pictures only sets me back.

I can’t promise I won’t ever do it again, but just know that I am aware of the situation and am actively trying to tone it down a bit.

Onto other things:

I had a long discussion with one of my bosses today. Out of nowhere he said, “So, it doesn’t look like you’ve been gaining any weight.”

I looked at him, raised an eyebrow, and said, “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.”

He then proceeded to ask how much weight I lost since the first time we met. I told him he was putting me on the spot. He said he was just asking a simple question. I was tired of dodging questions so I just told him the truth: 30 pounds. He said I looked perfect at the weight I was and didn’t see me as overweight. This ended in a discussion about how it’s not all about weight. He prodded a bit, trying to understand where I was coming from.

I told him I needed him to trust that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and that as long as this doesn’t affect my work, that it shouldn’t be a big issue in the workplace. He agreed, but stated that he was concerned our clients may see my weight loss and think I was a hypocrite in recovery. I assured him that no client knew about my eating disorder history (a lot of drug counselors are open to clients about being in recovery from addiction) so they didn’t really have any basing as to why I am underweight. I think most of my clients assume this is just how I look. My weight loss was tremendously slow, so not many people really noticed.

It’s hard having a candid conversation with a psychiatrist because they will start analyzing you regardless if they make it apparent or not. I could tell he was trying to get a read on my personality and behaviors in relation to the ED. He started talking about isolation after I told him my hobbies were reading, watching movies, and going online. He started talking about how I needed more social interaction after telling him my husband goes kayaking and biking without me. It was very sneaky — I didn’t think divulging such innocent information would turn into a counseling session with my boss.

I didn’t take the time to justify my personality as he would almost surely see it as a form of denial.

On a positive note he said he thought very highly of me and that he trusted me as a counselor. He indirectly said he respected my counseling style and professionalism over that of other staff, which felt good to hear.

Do I regret divulging all that and finally being open about my problems with food? Not really. I think it was time to get it out in the open, even if I feel it was none of their business. It’s one thing to bring in an employee who comes in drunk or high on the job, but for someone with an eating disorder who doesn’t let it affect her work? That’s a little different. And yet, its hard to keep everyone off your back when you can’t necessarily hide your body shape.

At least I feel like he’s more educated on it. My damn coworkers really should take the time to learn about it if they are going to continually ask me about my weight.

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