Guilt with Food Plan

I feel guilty for being on a food plan. It takes me quite a while  to figure out what I’m eating, measuring it, and entering it into sparkpeople.com. So I feel like I’m back in my anorexia in a way — mostly because I freak out if I go over an allotted amount and I have to have the RIGHT calculations, measurements, and amounts. I also feel guilty for it being a “weight loss” food plan.

But on the flip-side, I’m eating way healthier than I was before. Even when I thought I was following a food plan, I never took the time to read the labels on foods. So before when I would have “two servings” of pasta as my “carbs for the night,” I didn’t realize that 1/3 cup of pasta was like 300 calories (600 total). And that was JUST for the carb portion of my meal!

I also didn’t realize how fattening the microwavable foods were.

I’m getting in about 5 servings of real fruits and veggies a day which I’ve never done in my entire life (except in treatment). I’ve also cut out my soda intake and drink about 3 to 4 cups of the Crystal Light drinks a day.

The only downside is I start to get hungry about two hours after each meal.

I don’t know whether or not my guilt is “justified.” There are tons of people in OA who weigh and measure their food. But I know there are also a lot of anorexics who don’t because it’s triggering. I also have some guilt with the weight loss, but I’m also unhappy with what my body looks like (aren’t we all?).

It’s also making me question my abstinence. I believe I’m still abstinent, although my definition of said abstinence has changed over time. When I first got into recovery, my abstinence was no restricting whatsoever. However, at that time, I needed to gain weight.

It’s now evolved into “no anorexia behaviors,” however, one would count being on a “weight loss” food plan as an “anorexic behavior.” But this is what I classify to be MY anorexic behaviors:

1.) Putting less than was is called for of any serving of food.
2.) Weighing myself more than once a week.
3.) Lying to anyone about my food.
4.) Thinking about food excessively.
5.) Measuring any body parts.
6.) Skipping entire meals.

In all honesty I know I’m riding a pretty slippery slope. I have a caloric range and I always try to get my meals on the lower end of the scale than the higher. I figure as long as I never go under I’m ok.

We’ll see what happens.