Lack of Recovery
My regular meeting is lacking recovery. For the past two weeks it’s just been me and another member. At our most recent meeting, nobody showed. It’s really discouraging me, or maybe that’s an excuse for how disconnected I’ve been with my 12-Step program. I don’t want to say “recovery” program because I still feel as if I have a great foundation in regards to that, but I definitely am slacking on the 12-Steps. I was unable to attend my 12-Step workshop because of my job, so I missed out on Steps 8-12.
I feel like I’m on the verge of slipping if I haven’t already. I don’t really follow any specific food plan, but I did cut out a lot of things (carbs). But in place of them I added protein. Tried adding in more fruits and veggies but it’s hard. But at the same time I’m also craving hard right now for sweets, especially chocolate.
It’s a bad feeling when I’m constantly unable to fit into my clothes. I haven’t been exercising but work keeps me on the move. I doubt it’s doing anything as I haven’t seen any results in the past months. The only thing I’m recognizing is the fact that my back is in constant pain because of my job. I don’t know what to do about that.
I think I’m just tired of program. The thoughts of wanting to go back to the anorexia are strong even though I wouldn’t as long as I am with my husband. And the fact that I hate that (not being able to go back) is almost as bad as being there again.
I can definitely sense a laziness to recovery. I use my job as an excuse. I don’t want to take the time to affirm myself or to pray or to read recovery literature. I hate and resent the fact that I have to drive 30 minutes to get to a meeting. What blows even more is I have to drive 30 minutes to work, 30 minutes back home, then 30 minutes BACK to go to a meeting?! It’s just really hard to want to go after working all day and driving everywhere.
I’ve pretty much decided my abstinence is no definite anorexic behaviors/deceiving. I’ve been pretty honest about my food choices with both my sponsor and husband as of now. We’ll see how this goes…
