Struggling
I debated whether or not to write this entry. I wanted to appear like I had it all together and that I was strong for my readers, but I don’t want to be dishonest to them either.
I’m struggling. Not with my abstinence or my food, but with my body. I feel like I’m gaining weight all the time. I don’t want to shop for clothes again. I don’t like the “softness” of my curves. I want to rigidness back and the sharpness of bones. I don’t want all this cushion.
I wanted to screw it all. I felt trapped. I FEEL trapped. I feel trapped by the OA program. I feel as if I’m no longer allowed to do what I want with my body because I’m in this program. I’d rather restrict than exercise — it’s the only way I know how to manage my weight and control my body.
I was up until around 5:00 AM crying about my body and reading to run away from it. I never, ever thought I’d be this weight and I never, ever thought I’d look this way. I used to look down on people who looked like the way I do now.
I can’t figure out what is triggering me. Is it just my weight? Is it the fact that I’m trying to get off my medication? Is it because we are in so much debt I want to scream? Is it the fact that I don’t have a job right now? Going back to school? Dealing with my step-kids? Not cleaning the house? Etc., etc., etc.
So that’s where I am today. I’m still doing my three meals a day. Still working with my sponsor. That’s all I can do right now.
kelmichaels said,
June 25, 2009 at 9:50 pm
good luck with recovery. I just started my own recovery blog…
Egg Beaten Angel said,
June 26, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Come on, you can do this! 85% to recovery is always the hardest part. I’m stuck in that same ditch right now (I cried for 4 hours today), but I KNOW that you can do this!!! You’re so strong, girl! Remember the interview you did for me? I was and still am SO PROUD to have such an amazing girl on my blog. We can do this together! Try try try hard no to think about the negative aspects. Think about what you’re going to love after you get better. I’m also having a terrible time right now–there’s so much stress, so many letdowns–but I tell myself that life is beautiful and you only get to live it once. Keep blogging and keep going!
Rock on, beautiful!
Love,
Egg Beaten Angel
Chaz said,
July 1, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Hi R/A….
We all go through these unexpected uncertainties and internal struggles.
I am years clean and sober and as recently as 2 hours ago, while in the middle of some of tasks at my fabulous job that I could never have obtained without my recovery…. I had some “using thoughts” and had to fend off the “screw it” thoughts that so many of us have that can lead to relapse.
I have been blessed with so many gifts in my recovery yet something unknown in my head still shows up from time to time.
My wife has body image issues. She is tall and slender. She looks better today than she ever did. Yet, just yesterday, she complained that none of her clothes fit and that she was getting fat. This was far from true.
The same clothes that have fit her for 2 years fit her exactly the same way as they have for 2 years.
So it appears to me that what you describe is pretty typical for any and all of us in recovery from any and all addictions and compulsive thinking.
It just seems to go with the territory. So don’t sweat it.
In the words of Winston Churchill…. “When you’re going through hell, keep going”.
Or as a fellow 12-stepper share with me one time… here is a 4-point strategy for managing crisis. He used it and I have borrowed it with amazing results:
When in crisis….
1. Do not use/drink/etc. under any circumstances.
2. Don’t try to control the circumstance.
3. Don’t make any major decisions while in the circumstance.
4. Ask for help.
Now nothing says help has to be from your 12 step program. I reach out for help in many different ways. I do not believe in militant 12-stepping.
12 step is important to me and has provided me with recovery that many other programs could not. Yet, it is only part of my recovery now.
So I don’t see that it is necessary for any of us to feel prisoner to our 12-step programs. They are not our God. They are not the answer. They are merely an often critical or often effective tool used by our higher powers (in my case God) to help us.
God as I understand Him also gave me a great couple of doctors, many books, his own book, and many fabulous influences. He even reaches me through people I don’t like or don’t agree with.
And no need to worry about how your readers perceive you. You are being honest. Good on you. We need more honesty than we do heroes.
Be encouraged. This too will pass.
Ciao.
Chaz