Surrendering
Last night I shared at the meeting about all the positive things that have happened since surrendering. In inpatient I didn’t want to let go of my anorexia. I wanted to keep it and to cherish it and to adore it. I wanted it to work for me because nothing else could. I wanted that crutch because life without it seemed so hard and scary. But at the same time I was so miserable and sad. I was tired of trying to fight recovery. It was exhausting and I couldn’t do it to myself or to my family.
So I decided to surrender. And it was HARD.
I had to go against everything I ever believed in, which wasn’t much. I didn’t want to believe in a Higher Power. I didn’t want to eat all my meals. I didn’t want to get fat. I didn’t want to be normal. But everyone was telling me how if I just surrendered I would slowly come out of the deep mess that I was in. And they were right.
By surrendering I didn’t have to worry anymore. I didn’t have to worry about what I ate, or how much weight I gained, or what others thought of me, or what others were doing wrong. I let a Higher Power take care of that, and even though I didn’t have a strong sense of an HP in the beginning, I had enough faith to get me through those hard times in inpatient. And as I started to see the positive affects of surrendering, my faith started to building slowly. And each day it got bigger and bigger.
Enough positive things have happened in recovery to make me have 100% faith in this program.
All you have to do is just let go.
