Recovering Anorexic

From experience, observation, and experience from others, I firmly believe that recovering from an eating disorder, whether it be anorexia, bulimia, or compulsive overeating, is harder than recovering from any other addiction.

As we’ve all heard in recovery, you can take away the drugs or the alcohol, but you can’t take away the food. And even with other process addictions – you don’t need gambling or shopping or work or sex to stay alive. But you need food.

We’re taught to believe at a young age that drugs and alcohol are bad. So when one becomes addicted, we think of it as a BIG DEAL. But when someone becomes addicted to food, we scoff and wonder how on earth one can eat so much food. After all, food is delicious and nutritious and it’s second nature to stop when we are full. When someone becomes addicted to starving, we scoff and wonder how on earth one can go days without eating. After all, food is delicious and nutritious and it’s second nature to eat when we are hungry.

But it’s not that easy. It’s never that easy when you use food or lackthereof to cope with life.

And let’s look at anorexia vs. compulsive overeating.

You are a compulsive overeater. You’ve had it with the bingeing, the yo-yo-dieting, the isolation, the humiliation, the aches and pains, the disgust with yourself, the lying, the hiding, the constant trips to fast food restaurants, the weight gain, the embarrassment, etc. There are no benefits and you are tired of it.

So you decide to get into recovery. You stick to the program. And what do you get? Not only do you get peace and serenity, but you also get the added bonus of WEIGHT LOSS. The weight loss you’ve wanted so much. The weight loss you tried to get but failed over and over again. Finally you’ve achieved “being thin.”

But what about anorexics?

You’re an anorexic. You’re tired of the starving, the hunger, the aches and pains, the disgust with yourself, the perfectionism, the lying, the isolation, the frustration, the fact that every time you reach your goal weight, you still think you’re not good enough. But there ARE benefits. You are thin. You are disciplined. You don’t gorge yourself with food all the time. You are pure. You can do what others cannot when it comes to eating. People don’t look at you with disgust.

So it’s harder for you to want recovery. But you decide to take that step. And sure you get peace and serenity, but it’s so hard to gain that weight. After all, it’s the weight that’s the focus of your mind right now. It’s all about the weight right now, and it’d be easier to stay in recovery if you could JUST STAY THIN. Right now you are thinking, “I’d rather be miserable and thin then happy and fat.”

Compulsive overeaters get to lose weight. Anorexics have to gain it.

And this is why I believe anorexia is one of the hardest mental illnesses to recover from.

But it’s possible.

I never thought it’d BE possible. I thought no matter how recovered I was, I would always have at least one anorexic tendency up my sleeve. One little behavior that would separate me from everyone else. Whether that be putting more food on my husband’s plate or separating my food or not eating sweets, I’d always have something to control my weight.

But then I surrendered. Sure. Those little anorexic tendencies helped me feel safe. I felt in control. But at the same time it was exhausting having to think of ways to keep my disease and recovery in the same room together without them trying to kill each other. I had to pick one or the other. I could not have both.

So I picked recovery. And here is what I did:

1.) I stopped weighing myself.

The number literally makes you see different things in the mirror. I could see myself as thin or average looking right before weighing myself. Then I’d hop on the scale. If the number I saw wasn’t what I wanted to see, I’d look in the mirror again and see something totally different. “Did my thighs look that big five seconds ago? How did I MISS that?” No. It’s all in your head. The longer you go without seeing the NUMBER, the easier it is to see your body how it REALLY looks.

2.) I worked the steps.

I thought talking to a counselor was enough to “work out my issues.” It’s not. Working the steps goes IN DEPTH in a way a counselor or therapist never could. After all, the counselor doesn’t know everything about you. YOU do. And YOU are the only who can bring out absolutely everything. No matter how much you’d like to believe it, your therapist is NOT a psychic as well.

And that’s pretty much it. It’s that simple. Yet so very hard. It took me almost three years to get me to this point.

And this is where I am now in regards to food and weight:

1.) I don’t have desires to restrict. EVER.

That’s not to say I WISH I had desires to restrict. There are days where I wish were thinner, but I never think restricting is the answer. And that’s a miracle.

2.)I’m okay with my body.

I don’t love every part of my body and I’m not flaunting it on the street, but I’m okay with it. I see my body for how it is rather than how I was convinced it looked like. I am flabby in some places. I don’t have bones sticking out anymore. I’m not toned. And I’m okay with that for today. I carved FAT into my arm once merely because I thought I was a blimp. Now I can look at my body in certain outfits and say, “Hey – you look hot in those jeans.”

It is possible. You do not have to live with the constant negative body image and self image. You just have to work. And it will take a LONG time. But once your mind is clear of all the fog you’ll begin to see your eating disorder in a whole different light. I promise.