My Clothes.
As I was thinking about all the new jeans I got, I realized something. For years I never thought I’d EVER look good in jeans or pants. My hips would always stick out over the top or they’d feel too tight. I literally wouldn’t wash my jeans because they’d feel even tighter afterwards. (I almost didn’t type that last sentence out of embarrassment, but then I remembered I have to be honest and that’s how bad my disease was. HUMILITY!)
Anyway – then I realized I used to buy all my clothes a little bit TOO small in hopes I’d eventually lose weight to fit into them. This worked of course when I was anorexic, but when your abstinence is no restricting, you can’t pull shit like that anymore.
So buying a size of pants I’ve never really bought before sucks, but at the same time, I actually look OK in these pants! Why? Because I wasn’t foolish enough to buy them in a size I didn’t really fit in. My hips aren’t sticking out over the top because they FIT me. Getting clothes that actually fit me always felt like a defeat – I either wanted my clothes to be too small (so I could lose weight) or too big (to prove I lost weight.) Clothes that actually fit me meant I was a normal, average person.
But now I realize comfort is way more important than size. AND…even though it’s hard to get used to wearing these jeans, I don’t think I look FAT in them. They actually fit my body frame and I hate to say it, but I think I look GOOD in them. Ack…feels so strange giving myself a compliment, but I guess those things are good for me, haha.
Exercising Anorexics.
I recently got a comment from someone saying they didn’t understand how I never exercised as an anorexic. The eating disorder side of me takes offense to that: why do anorexics have to exercise? But the recovery side of me knows not everyone understands what an addiction is and how it differs from person to person. So no, you don’t HAVE to exercise when you are anorexic. Many anorexics DO exercise, but I didn’t feel the need. Eating nothing for six days straight was enough for me. Besides, I was too weak to exercise. We are all not the same. Please educate yourself on this.
Sponsoring.
So I’m sponsoring a few people, and it’s amazing what it’s doing for my recovery. It feels good to know that I’m helping people, or at least guiding them in the right direction so they know how to help themselves in recovery. And they may not know it, but they help me in my recovery as well. It keeps me accountable on many levels, and it’s nice to just talk program with them because they’ve been where I was and I’ve been where they are. So thanks. :-)
New Clothes (Weight Gain)
So I’m my heaviest weight. I’ve never been this weight before, and it’s very hard to get used to. Yesterday we went to a second-hand store so I could get some jeans because none of mine fit anymore. It was a struggle trying on clothes because I had to shop in a size I’ve never shopped in. I don’t look slender anymore, although that’s probably just in my head. It sucks because I’m short. All these pants fit me in the legs, but not in the waist. Ugh. Yesterday was horrible for me. But at least I have pants that fit me now.
I started exercising last night. I only did it for ten minutes though, but it seems like working my way up is better than exercising for 30 minutes at once. My husband helped me so I wasn’t doing it alone. He’s so supportive. I don’t know what I’d do without him!
I weighed myself March 1st. I’m going to weigh myself again on April 1st to see if my food plan is making me gain weight. If it is, I don’t think I’m going to cut any food out, I’m just going to make sure I exercise more often. Not to lose weight, but to stay in this weight range. And also I need it to be healthy. I’ve never exercised aside from PE in school, and even then I half-assed it. I used to dance all the time though, but ever since I moved away from home I haven’t done it. I miss it. It was on of y passions, but I just gave up on it. I always say I’ll start again, but I never do. Baby steps I guess.
God Grant Me March 13th
“How will you dream if you don’t sleep? How will you hear yourself?”
-Michael Dorris
Today’s Action
I will listen to my dreams. What is my mind working out in my sleep? If I remember my dreams, I will talk about them with my wide-awake friends.
At first I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to write about my dreams and/or sleep patterns because seldom do my dreams ever have to do with my eating disorder. But then I stopped and remembered something:
As soon as I got out of inpatient in 2006, my dreams were often so intense that I would talk in my sleep, scream in my sleep, yell in my sleep, punch the mattress; I even accidentally hit my husband! There were two main people who triggered these events – my father and my husband’s ex-wife. I think I carried so much anger and resentment towards these people that those feelings eventually worked themselves out in my dreams. Lord knows I would never yell profanities or hit these people in real life, so I think my dreams really helped me work out these problems. These episodes happened a couple of times a week for a very long time.
Now that I’ve worked the steps and gotten through Steps 4-7, I was able to let go of my resentments. I didn’t notice this until now, but my violent dreams began to lessen significantly after I worked through all that. I still have an episode every once and awhile (I’ve suffered from sleep paralysis for about 10 years now) but they definitely are not as bad as they used to be. What a relief for not only me, but my husband! Now he doesn’t have to wake up in a panic! Haha.
New Email
Dear Readers,
I’ve created an email account to go along with this blog. In the FAQ (which I recently modified) I said I wouldn’t give out my email for anonymity purposes, but I’ve received a lot of comments from people who I’d like to help if possible. Therefore, I created an email to stay in contact with you all without having to communicate over a public blog. So if you’d like, feel free to email me at recoveringanorexic@hotmail.com. I check email daily, so you will get a response. :-)
God Grant Me March 8th
“The spiritual life does not remove us from the world but leads us deeper into it.”
-Henri J. M. Nouwen
Today’s Action
Today I will list five ways I can give more to the world I live in. I will then start to act in a way that will make me a giver and not a taker.
My upbringing as well as my eating disorder made me a very selfish person. I hated to do anything for anyone else, I wanted the world to revolve around me, and I can’t count how many times I used my eating disorder as a means to get attention and sympathy.
OA has made me less selfish. Don’t get me wrong; I still have those days where it’s like “SCREW YOU,” but I try my best to find compassion for everyone and everything. So here’s five things I can do to make me a giver and not a taker:
1.) I can be of service more to OA.
I already secretary a meeting, but I always feel like I could do more for the program. It’s hard for me to donate money because we are so very tight on funds, but I try my best to help out in other ways whether it be putting away chairs, calling newcomers, or offering my help to those who may need it.
2.) Write more in this blog.
The more I write in this blog the more I see it helping others. I feel so bad that I didn’t write for the longest time. I feel as if I let down a lot of people even if I don’t even know who they are!
3.) I can support my husband more.
I think I support my husband to the best of my abilities today, but I think the longer I am in recovery, the more I’ll be able to be fully available to him when he needs me, whether that be emotionally, physically, or spiritually.
4.) I can live in recovery 24/7.
Sounds like hard work being in recovery 24/7, but it’s really not. It’s like riding a bicycle: once you know how to do it, it’s like second nature and you just do it! If I live in recovery 24/7, I honestly feel like that will have a positive effect on those around me. If I choose not to participate in gossip or I choose to be kind and compassionate towards others (even those “enemies!”), I think that’s a indirect way of giving to the world.
5.) I can pursue my interest in counseling.
If I pursue my dream of counseling, I could definitely use my experience and knowledge to help those who may be suffering just as I did.
My Story
I added my story to “pages” section. It should be on the right. But here’s a link to it anyway.
