Weight, Food, Body Image
I’m not sure how much I weigh – whether I’ve gained even more weight since the last time I checked, or whether I lost weight. I feel, though, that if I keep thinking that I’m 20 pounds heavier than my hospital weight, I will eat whatever I want because “I might as well.” I feel like my eating is out of control – I’m not caring about what I eat anymore…and portion sizes continue to get a little bigger. At the same time I’m telling myself I need to cut out the snacks and limit my peanut butter intake, but that never happens. My brain says, “Your ** pounds, you might as well eat all you can because you are fat anyway.” My greatest fear is to “turn into” a compulsive overeater. It happens.
And onto body image…my clothes still fit tightly. That won’t change unless I lose weight or get new clothes (which I can’t afford to do right now). I’m not liking the way I look in clothes…I used to think I had big hips back then! Because I’m so short, even being slender doesn’t look slender on my body frame. My thighs, hips, and lower back are my problem areas. I want to exercise to tone, but I don’t have the motivation.
I’m going through a weird phase with my emotions – I’m often feeling nothing. I’m not happy but I’m not sad. I think it’s because of the economy – it’s freaking me out so much to the point where if I don’t think about it, I won’t feel anything. I can’t be happy because we can’t afford to do much right now, but I can’t be sad because I’m at a better place in my recovery than I ever have been and at least I have a home, food, and good people around me.
I’ve definitely been happier than I am now, but I don’t think it’s just me this time. I think everyone is going through a rough point during these hard economical times…I finally have a ligit reason to be scared, fearful, sad, angry, and depressed! Ha…
My brother living here is a confusing situation.
And to that – I shall go eat. I AM hungry.
PS: I’m now working on my 9th step.
OA Myspace/Facebook
Hey everyone,
Just wanted to say that there are two great OA groups on Myspace and Facebook if you wanted to join. Here is the myspace one: Click. Here is the Facebook one: Click.
As for me, I don’t even know. Most days I feel good, but then when the bills come around or the fact that we can’t afford groceries unless we use our credit card hits me, I get a little depressed if you know what I mean. And to make matters worse, my brother hasn’t found a job yet. We just made up a contract though; if he can’t find a job in two weeks he has to find another place to live. We can’t keep on paying for his groceries and whatnot. He’s not being very proactive in the job search – so far I’ve done a lot of the work for him. He doesn’t follow through with a lot of things he says he’ll do regarding job searches…so it’s time to put our foot down. That’s important in recovery – to set boundaries even though it may upset the person. That’s not to say we can be mean and disrepsectful, but we need to do what is right for ourselves because it’s not our responsibility to take care of others.
I think I’ve already mentioned the fact that I’m 20 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. I got rid of some more clothes. I’m becoming more accepting of my clothing size now that I’m not a double zero anymore. But it is sort of sad to let that go.
Finally went to a meeting and I have another one tomorrow. I need to work on my 8th step! :-)
Weight, Feelings.
I promised I wouldn’t say any weight numbers on this site, but I weighed myself for the first time in a couple of months. I can’t really say what provoked me to use the scale – I wasn’t mad or sad or frustrated…just curious. But I can say right now my life is better when I DON’T know my weight.
Since inpatient two years ago, I’ve gained twenty pounds. I know a lot of anorexics have gained a lot more than that, but the first ten pounds I gained was very gradual. The second ten pounds I’d say I gained right after I stopped weighing myself, which was around June. So I am a little scared that my weight will go out of control if I don’t monitor my weight…then again…maybe KNOWING my weight was making me restrict my food subconsciously. God wants me at this weight for some reason.
My clothes aren’t fitting right, but oh well. I need three meals a day to literally fuction. If I skip lunch I will be moody, irritable, physically weak, tired, and miserable. I can’t imagine ever starving again. That’s the gift OA has given me, and I’m thankful for that.
I still would like to exercise and tone my thighs/hips, but I’m really unmotivated to do that.
I’ve been skipping meetings (some for justified reasons, some not) and not doing recovery work. I need to catch up! I feel emotionally strong…usually when I skip meetings I get very depressed and sad. So I guess that’s a gift, too.
To My Readers
October 2, 2008 at 10:44 pm (Life) (Commenters, Readers)
I’d like to thank all the comments I’ve gotten from my readers. They are so kind and inspiring – it’s nice to know that some people care, that some people are in recovery, and that some people can relate to what I’m going through. :-) Thank you!
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