God Grant Me April 29th
“If what I say resonates with you, it’s because we are both branches of the same tree.”
-W.B. Yeats
Today’s Action
Today I will make a list of three people in my recovery group who I don’t know very well. I will call one of them today. I will help this person know he or she is a part of my recovery tree.
I won’t list their names, but I will write a little something about each person.
Person #1: This person came to our group a few weeks ago. I think she’s a beautiful person on the outside, even though I’m sure she doesn’t think so. I’m so glad she keeps coming back to the meeting. I was sort of skeptical that she would. I can already see positive changes in her, and I really hope she stays in recovery. I hope to get to know her more as well.
Person #2: A long-timer recently began coming to our meetings. She’s such a great person; always willing to help the newcomers. She also has a great love for the OA program, and that just radiates from her all the time. I’m sure I’ll get to know her the more she comes to the meeting. I hope she keeps coming as well.
Person #3: We have a new-new-comer as I like to call them…someone who is at their first, second, or third OA meeting. She’s such a sweet woman. Before coming into OA, a lot of people don’t know anything about the program and are turned off by some of the things we do. But this woman did some homework before coming, and she totally got some of the basic concepts before we could even say anything. I can tell she’s very ready for the program. I can’t wait to get to know her. She’s such a sweet lady. I said that already, but it’s just so true!
I can’t call anyone right now (it’s past 9PM), but maybe I’ll call one of them in the week. I say maybe because I know I probably won’t (I’m not a phone person.) Yes, I know it’s an important recovery tool, but I still have to work on that. You never know. Maybe God will give me the willingness to do so. :-)
God Grant Me April 13th
“There are some people that if they don’t know, you can’t tell.”
-Louis Armstrong
Today’s Action
I will list the three favorite defenses I used when people tried to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. Then I will talk with my sponser or a recovery friend about how I am changing these defenses.
1.) “I’m not that bad.”
I think this is every addict’s number one defense. The reason why I wasn’t “that bad” was because I wasn’t at a BMI less than 15, I wasn’t fainting, my heart wasn’t abnormal, my blood pressure was fine, etc., etc. I wasn’t starving for days, I wasn’t bingeing, I wasn’t puking. Looking back now of course, although I didn’t have a lot of health problems a lot of anorexics do, I was still emotionally and spiritually in a really, really bad place. Oh and – although I was “fine,” I still battled ketones in my urine, osteopenia, and abnormal organ symptoms after being refed in inpatient.
2.) “I’m not really that thin.”
I still don’t really think I was that thin at my lowest weight. I’m on the fence with this one. On my really good recovery days I think I was too thin. On my bad recovery days, I think I looked like an average person. I know it’s bad, but I think I’m gonna go with, “I wasn’t THAT thin for an anorexic.” Horrible I know. Anyway – at my weight the doctor’s didn’t know why I was still menstrating, and they were surprised my hair wasn’t falling out in clumps and that I wasn’t fainting or experiencing heart problems.
3.) “I’m doing okay.”
“Okay” to me then and “okay” to me know mean two totally different things. When I was “okay” in my disease, I was still depressed, jealous, resentful, and insecure. I loathed my body. If I were feeling that way today, I KNOW I wouldn’t BE okay. Okay to me now is when I feel good about myself and my current situation. Okay to me now is even though I may be having a bad day, I still feel I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
God Grant Me April 11th
“It is as hard to see one’s self as to look backward without turning around.”
-Henry David Thoreau
Today’s Action
I will think of one behavior I do that I want input on. I will call two of my recovery friends and ask them about how they see me when I do this behavior and how they think it affects my recovery.
Hm…I’m not really sure how to answer this one. I try to be as honest as I can about all my behaviors, whether it be to my fiance or my sponser or my OA fellow members. I guess the behavior I would want input on most would be my denial about my weight? I don’t know. I’ve finally decided to give up my weight to my HP. April 8th is my 1st day of abstinence. No more weighing myself once a week. Hopefully this’ll give me piece of mind about my body.
God Grant Me April 9th
“If you were going to die soon and had only one call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?”
-Stephen Levine
Today’s Action
I will imagine that I don’t have long to live and have only one call I can make. Who will I call and what will I say? And why am I waiting? I will make that call today. If I need it, I will get the support of a friend.
Well, if I didn’t have long to live, I’d definitely make a call to my fiance. I’d tell him that I loved him, and that he’s enriched my life and filled it with neverending love. I’d thank him for being him. I’d tell him that I’d always be with him.
I’ve probably already written this, but recovery had opened my heart to unconditionally love my fiance. During my disease I often resented my fiance for things he did way before he even knew me. I resented his choices, his desicisions, and lifestyle. I tried to change him in order to make MYSELF happy. Recovery has taught me that I need to change myself in order to be happy with HIM. I now think he’s the most amazing, wonderful man on the planet, and I feel very lucky to be with him.
