Step 3
So I’m on step 3. I didn’t “pass” step 3, even though I know you don’t pass or fail anything in OA, but my sponser decided to let me linger on step 3 because I wasn’t willing to do anything for my recovery. I know that sounds awful, but what it meant was I wasn’t willing (for that day) to totally give into a solid food plan. I also couldn’t seem to surrender my weight to my higher power either. At this rate I’ll never get to step 4, because I want to lose like two or three pounds. I figured if I stopped overeating my weight would drop back to normal. I’m still eating seconds during dinner and eating snacks late at night or when I’m not hungry. By no means am I overweight – I’m still around seven pounds underweight. But if I keep gaining as steadily as I am, I’m going to go crazy.
I keep saying, “Tomorrow I’ll stop eating later in the night.” Then I never do. So yeah. I can’t pinpoint what is causing this urge to eat more. I don’t feel like I’m emotionally eating, I just feel a craving for it. Maybe it’s the stress of the wedding coming up? Or our financial situation?
I don’t know. That’s all for now.
Journal (Gaining Weight)
So, I was having a horrible, horrible time with sleeping. When most people say that, they mean they aren’t getting enough sleep. But when I say it, it means I’m sleeping way too much. This probably entails 10 hours during the night and another 2-5 hours during the day. Not only was I wasting my life, but it was causing me to get really, really depressed and unmotivated. I was tired all the time (I still am), and I let my responsibilities slip and slide.
So I made myself a routine. So far I’m not following the routine strictly, but I’m still waking up earlier, avoiding naps, and eating three meals a day. My sponser said, “progress, not perfection,” so I figure I’m not doing too horrible.
BUT. The thee meals a day I’ve been eating has caused me to gain weight. And I hate it! I can see it on my body, and I can feel it in my clothes. My jeans are a little tighter now. So I don’t know what to do. Today I skipped breakfast because I failed to wake up early, but I had a salad for lunch (then gave in and had an energy bar covered in PB) and a small dinner. I’m hoping this will let me lose any fake weight I’ve gained. And by fake weight I mean the weight that is “added” to your body by drinking, eating, being in hot temperatures, etc. Also, my period is due. Maybe that’s the culprit, also. I hate it.
BUT I also have to say that I love what the three meals does for my depression. Now that I’ve been doing this routine, it’s like my depression magically disappeared overnight. All I had to do was to commit to something for ONE day. And it worked. Program always works if I work it.
Journal: Wreckage
Well, I probably haven’t written in a while. I don’t remember the last time I wrote, so I figured it was about time to write again. As my title states, I’m in complete wreckage. Things just aren’t looking up for me. Of course I have my wedding to look foward to in two months, but it’s hard to focus on the positive when we don’t have the money to pay for a lot of things that are pretty much needed at the wedding (like our rings, postage for invites, photographer, etc.). We are just so stressed out. Yes I have a job, but I’m on call and maybe work 2-3 days out of the week. If I worked everyday I could make a decent salary, but this is just not what I expected. We are struggling so bad.
And lately my cravings for food is just out of whack. I think about food all day, and I think about junk food the most. Chocolate, donuts, cookies. What is wrong with me? And because of work, I’ve been eating more than two meals a day, and I’m gaining weight. I can’t stand this. My body feels like it weighs 200 pounds. I can’t stand my body. I want to restrict so I can get back down to a “safe” weight. Now when I say “safe,” I don’t mean “safe” for my height. I mean “safe” for my mind not to tell me how fat or huge I am. A “safe” weight to appease my ED voice. Right now I’m about 2-3 pounds OVER that. Bleh.
I got a sponser. Not sure if I told you that. I’m also on Step 3. I’m really glad I’m finally working the steps, but now I’m terrified to start a food plan. I know I’m not being that honest with my ED, and if I have a sponser, I pretty much have to be 100% dedicated to recovery. I think I’m only 95% there.
Sigh…I’m just so depressed.
For old times sake…today I ate:
Breakfast: Energy bar (Cliff)
Lunch: One slice of pizza
Dinner: Chicken patty with a burrito
Too much food? Not enough food? Any comments? Please?
