Journal (Weight/Body)
My body image has been so horrible these last few days. It’s gotten to the point where I cried over it, and I haven’t done that in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I decreased my meds without medical supervision, or if it’s because my period is coming, or if it’s just because I’ve been eating more than I would like. My cravings have been through the roof, and the worse my body image gets, the more I think about food.
I weighed myself this morning, and I seemed to have gained two pounds in one week. I’m not happy, and today I limited my food intake. I had a granola bar for breakfast, a smoothie for lunch, and a small dinner. Oh yeah, I had some beef jerky as a snack. It may not look like a lot of food, but I feel fat, bloated, full, and gross.
I got a sponser. Tomorrow we are going over my first step. I’m not sure what that entails, so we shall see. I’m sort of excited.
I hate my body. I really, really do. I can’t stand to be in my body, and I wish I was taller and leaner. I have huge hips and thighs. I need to start working out, but I hate working out more than anything. Which is why I am depressed, because although I’d like to lose my fat areas the healthy way, I won’t do it because I am lazy and unmotivated.
I’m really hoping this phase will end once my period comes and goes. Because I feel like I’m slipping. And lately I haven’t been sexual at all. I’m not sure if this is eating disorder related, but the urge to do anything intimate is gone and has been for months. I think that has to do with my meds. I want to get off them as soon as I can.
I hate this. I really wish I wasn’t feeling this way.
T said,
February 24, 2008 at 1:28 am
I hope it fades too. It’s been a week since the post, so…
Cristina said,
July 29, 2008 at 9:51 pm
You have to become One with yourself. I know it might not make sense, but it’s true. There’s a point where you can say (and mean it) “I feel pretty”. Right now, can I say that? No, because my mind is totally clouded and I’m stressed out about my life. Can I say that other times when I’m not so blocked? Yes. I can say that. It’s like you’re agreeing with yourself, YOU.. the Self, that you’re in acceptance.
Ryan said,
January 19, 2009 at 7:44 pm
my GF has the same problem, she has had problems with self image since she was like seven and has been hospitalized due to anorexia. she recoverrd and is at a healthy weight right now but shes so unhappy. she is 16 and she was recentaly been put on antidepressants. i love her more than anything and it pains me so much to see her crying over it as you have stated you did. she has breakdowns once every week or so. she dwells on it almost constantly and theres nothing anyone can do until she makes her peace with it but its so hard for her. im sorry to take up ur time but i guess i needed to talk to someone who will understand, thanks for listening and good luck. after seeing first hand what its like for people struggeling with anorexia i realize how hard it is an that fact that your over coming it is truely inspiring to me. and inspiration is something im alittle short on lately. thank you for showing me thats theres hope.
-Ryan