Journal (Weight/Body)
My body image has been so horrible these last few days. It’s gotten to the point where I cried over it, and I haven’t done that in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I decreased my meds without medical supervision, or if it’s because my period is coming, or if it’s just because I’ve been eating more than I would like. My cravings have been through the roof, and the worse my body image gets, the more I think about food.
I weighed myself this morning, and I seemed to have gained two pounds in one week. I’m not happy, and today I limited my food intake. I had a granola bar for breakfast, a smoothie for lunch, and a small dinner. Oh yeah, I had some beef jerky as a snack. It may not look like a lot of food, but I feel fat, bloated, full, and gross.
I got a sponser. Tomorrow we are going over my first step. I’m not sure what that entails, so we shall see. I’m sort of excited.
I hate my body. I really, really do. I can’t stand to be in my body, and I wish I was taller and leaner. I have huge hips and thighs. I need to start working out, but I hate working out more than anything. Which is why I am depressed, because although I’d like to lose my fat areas the healthy way, I won’t do it because I am lazy and unmotivated.
I’m really hoping this phase will end once my period comes and goes. Because I feel like I’m slipping. And lately I haven’t been sexual at all. I’m not sure if this is eating disorder related, but the urge to do anything intimate is gone and has been for months. I think that has to do with my meds. I want to get off them as soon as I can.
I hate this. I really wish I wasn’t feeling this way.
Recovery Survey
The following is the the same exact survey I posted in the previous entry, however, this time I’m filling it out in regards to my life.
Dear Higher Power:
I am writing you this letter to tell you about my resentment and negative emotions, and to discover and express the positive feelings that you deserve. I am also writing this letter to ask for your support without demanding it.
ANGER
I don’t like: my financial situation.
I resent: my fiance’s family.
I feel fustrated: when I can’t buy things that I want.
I feel furious: when my fiance’s ex does something negative.
I want: to be financially stable.
SADNESS
It hurts: when I think about my mom.
I feel disappointed: when I don’t live up to my potential.
I feel sad: when I think about life without my mom.
I feel unhappy: in the house we are living in.
I wish: we could afford a bigger house.
FEAR
It is painful: when my family members don’t understand what I’m going through.
I feel worried: that my life won’t be like I want it to be.
I feel afraid: that the world will end soon.
I feel scared: when I think about not being able to get pregnant.
I need: to work more.
REMORSE/APOLOGIES
I apologize: for all the immature things I’ve done in my relationship.
I feel embarrassed: when I think of those things I’ve done.
I am sorry: for all the hurt and worry I’ve caused.
I am willing: to dedicate my life to recovery.
LOVE/UNDERSTANDING/GRATITUDE/FORGIVENESS
I love: my fiance.
I appreciate: everything my fiance has done for me.
I realize: I need to take life one day at a time.
I forgive: those who don’t know any better.
I would like: to be content.
I trust: this will happen, in time, as long as I work the program.
Body Survey
The following is a “letter” to my Higher Power. I did not make this up. My sponser sent it to me. My answers are regarding my body/body image.
Dear Body (or Higher Power),
I am writing you this letter to tell you about my resentment and negative emotions, and to discover and express the positive feelings that you deserve. I am also writing this letter to ask for your support without demanding it.
ANGER
I don’t like: my hips.
I resent: others who look better than me.
I feel fustrated: when I look in the mirror.
I feel furious: when I look at myself naked.
I want: smaller hips and thighs.
SADNESS
It hurts: to know this is how my body looks.
I feel disappointed: when I get dressed/undressed.
I feel sad: when I see my fat.
I feel unhappy: when I think about my weight and body.
I wish: I could magically erase all my problem areas.
FEAR
It is painful: to be so insecure.
I feel worried: I will never accept what my body looks like.
I feel afraid: that I will get fatter.
I feel scared: after I eat.
I need: to be okay with my body.
REMORSE/APOLOGIES
I apologize: for doing damage to my body by starvation.
I feel embarrassed: when I am naked/getting dressed or undressed.
I am sorry: that I cannot accept my body.
I am willing: to work on this.
LOVE/UNDERSTANDING/GRATITUDE/FORGIVENESS
I love: my breasts.
I appreciate: my body as a working machine.
I realize: my body is a temple.
I forgive: myself for neglecting my body.
I would like: to like my body.
I trust: this will happen, in time, as long as I work the program.
God Grant Me Feb. 10th
“It is better to begin in the evening than not at all.”
-Enblish Proverb
Today’s Action
I will write out six ways that my life and world will be better as I stay sober one day, one moment at a time.
1.) I will be less stressed.
2.) I will be able to handle problems that used to baffle me in the past.
3.) I will respect others.
4.) My relationships will strengthen.
5.) I will find joy in my life.
6.) I will be humble.
God Grant Me Feb. 1
“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
-Step Two of A.A.
Today’s Action
Today I will make a list of all the ways I was insane or off balance in my thinking and actions when I was in my active addiction.
1.) Bizarre food rituals: Cutting up food, hiding food, chewing and spitting, bingeing, restricting, starving.
2.) Poor judgement: Depressed, negative, pessimistic.
3.) Self-centered: No concern for other’s feelings, opinions.
4.) Self-harm: Cutting, scratching.
5.) Denial: Despite low weight, doctor concerns, health problems.
