Recovering Anorexic

So I’ve never in my entire life had a good relationship with my dad. And I couldn’t even tell you why. And you know what? That makes me feel so guilty. I treated him so badly when I was younger, and I didn’t even have a reason. Sure, I had plenty of reasons later in life, but before then, I don’t know what made me dislike him so much.

I haven’t forgiven myself for this. I just don’t know if I can. I’ve written him apology letters. He’s forgiven me. But I still can’t forgive myself for being so cruel. It just makes me want to cry.

But then there are times when I can’t stand him. He thinks he’s the wisest man put on this planet. He judges others yet tells people not to judge. He focuses on the negative even when he tells people to just let it go. He’s very contradictory.

Anyway – the latest spat. I backed into this guys car last week. Mistake on my part. Second “major” accident I’ve been in. The first probably happened a year ago. I didn’t call my dad because even though is name is on my car, he’s switching it over to me in January. I figured he would never have to know. BUT, I got some advice from my fiance and BFF and they said I should say something. So I did.

He didn’t get mad (thank God), but he did have that tone in his voice that tells me I’m the most horrible driver on the planet. You’d have to understand my history with my father regarding my driving. It wasn’t pretty. I was a crummy driver when I was learning, mostly due to my low self-confidence and anxiety on the road. But he didn’t take that into consideration and basically made me feel like an invalid.

So any screw up I make in my car just gives him more fuel to prove how I shouldn’t be on the road.

Anyway – he told me I need to start being more careful, and that isurance is very costly. Thanks Dad…when I backed into that guys car I thought insurance was CHEAP! (Sarcasm.) He just makes me feel like I don’t think at ALL when I’m driving. There was no damage on my car, and a little on the other guy’s.

Anyway – here’s what REALLY makes me upset. I used (still) to have huge, huge driving phobia. I couldn’t even drive down the street to the store. I couldn’t go get gas on my own. For around a year and half the only place I went in my car by myself was to school and back. It was really affecting my life. It was even affecting my relationship because my fiance had to take time out of his busy schedule to drive me places.

Anyway - it took me another year and a half (three years total) to get myself on the freeway. I still can’t drive long distances on the freeway, but at least I’m ON the freeway. I can also take backroads where ever now without getting anxious if I make a wrong turn. I simply pull over and call someone for directions and I’m back on the road. No tears, no panic attacks, no nothing.

But my dad doens’t SEE all that. He doesn’t see how calm I am behind the wheel in a biggish city. He doesn’t see how calm I am when I get lost. He doesn’t see how much I’ve IMPROVED since I was in high school.

I’m short, so he bought me this cushion to sit on in my car. I don’t really use it. Anyway – I drove to meet him at my brother’s house. I had to take the FREEWAY BY MYSELF. The first thing he says to me when I get out of the car, “Were you using your cushion?” I said no, and he gave me that disappointed look like, “Your funeral when you get into an accident.” Well…gee dad…I just drove on the freeway for twenty minutes by myself…thanks for the congratulations. I appreciate it. SO MUCH.

Instead of my family seeing the negatives of my life (no job, dramatic relationship, poor, etc.), I wish they would be able to see how much change I’ve been through. OA saved my life, and all they can think of the program is that it’s for fat people who need to lose weight. They just don’t understand, nor will they ever.