Journal (Body Distortion)
So the last few days I’ve been sick with the flu. I haven’t thrown up due to sickness since I was a little girl. So it was quite traumatizing for me. Anyway, I haven’t eaten much in the last few days either, so I think I may have lost some weight. But I doubt I’ll ever know because I didn’t get to weigh myself, and my next weigh day is on Saturday, and by that time I’ll probably gain back whatever I lost due to being sick.
Hell, I don’t even know if I DID lose weight, but my mind plays awful tricks on me. Let me explain: If I think I’ve lost weight, my eyes will see my body as skinnier. I’ll “see” bones protruding that I didn’t see the day before, or if I think I’ve gained weight, I’ll see fat in places I didn’t see the day before. When in reality, these last few months my weight has only fluctuated maybe 1-2 pounds, so I know everything I see in the mirror is just fake. My body can’t physically change that drastically with a 1-2 pound weight loss/gain. But like now, I look at my body and see an almost emaciated form. And I’m sure by tomorrow that emaciated form will look fat.
Body dysmoprhia is a horrible thing. What do I REALLY look like to an unbias source?
Journal (Money)
So, things aren’t going so great with money. Since I graduated college, any funds given to me (from the school or from my father) have stopped. Take that, plus our overspending after the house burned down, the fact that insurance is not paying as much as we thought, our wedding planning, and my unemployment, we pretty much are drowning.
I sort of got a job yesterday. I say sort of because it doesn’t start until January, and it’s only part time. Really part time. Like three hours a day. I’ve had no luck anywhere else. This is getting ridiculous. I’m so worried about our finances. I don’t know how we are going to afford anything else for the wedding, my medical bills, and my car insurance that comes up in January.
BUT…something did happen today that we are VERY grateful for. I got two checks in the mail. One from my school (I guess they owed me a refund), which was for 1600 dollars, and the other from work which was for 200. That’s going to help us a lot for now, but only a little.
We still have some credit card payments to pay off as well. I keep praying to my HP to lead me in the right direction of getting a job. So far it’s not helping. I’m so freaked out. :-(
OA Meeting (Dealing with Difficult Members)
So a few months ago I became secretary for one of my local meetings. In my area, most meetings only have around 2-4 people a meeting. It’s sad, but I guess Northern California isn’t a place where people have discovered the blessings of Overeaters Anonymous. I’ve been trying to post things online so more people would come, but so far, any newcomers that have made it never come back.
Anyway, a regular member and I closed the meeting because nobody was showing up. Once the other regulars found out, they were immediately calling asking us to reopen it so they could continue going. However, neither of them had been showing up for a few weeks before that. Why keep it open if they weren’t coming? So we decided to reopen it so they could keep going and figured maybe that’s what it took to keep the meeting alive.
Anyway – one of the members is very difficult to deal with. She can be very nice at times, but most of the time she talks to you like you are a complete idiot. She gives attitude in her voice and gives you a look like you are stupid. Today in the meeting I mentioned two literature options from which we could read and she couldn’t hear me and said, “WHAT?” with a mean look on her face and then I repeated myself more clearly and she said, “THOSE are our OPTIONS?” And then during the meeting she went outside to do who knows what, and then we she came back in she was just so not motivated to do anything and kept saying (while we were reading) how tired she was. And then after she freeshared she just left before the meeting was over.
So I sympathized a lot for this woman in earlier meetings. She opened up to me and told me a lot of things going on in her life. But if you BEG to reopen a meeting, at least ACT like you want to be there! Don’t interrupt it multiple times saying how tired you are and then LEAVE early! She’s so rude. Not just to the meeting but to individual members.
Anyway – I shared this with another member and he said that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. But he said most of the members just had to deal with it and realize that their sides of the streets were clean. He also said, “Why worry about one member’s attitude when you could be worrying about yourself and what you are going through.” He’s totally right. Why let her upset me when my life is going great? He told me I should just pray for her. I know her life isn’t where she wants it to be right now, and I also know she’s struggling big time. I’m sure she doesn’t mean to be rude on purpose. I just wish she could be a little more grateful. Uh. There I go again.
Dear HP
Dear HP,
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the life I am living. I’m so grateful to you, and I dedicate my life to fulfilling your will for me. Thank you for the people you send me, the work you give me, and the strength you put in my heart.
Journal (Body Image)
Ever since I got back from vacation I’ve had horrible body image. I gained around two pounds after my trip (big deal in my eyes), and lost maybe one in the two or three weeks since I’ve been back. So I guess that proves I’m not starving or else I’d be losing a lot more. But that doesn’t mean I’m eating three meals a day either. I think I’m (I know) restricting in hopes of just getting back to where I was. But even before Hawaii I wasn’t eating three meals a day because I’ve been waking up around noon on a daily basis (not because of depression, but because I go to bed way late). I am scared to start waking up early in the morning, because then I’ll know my body will want me to eat three meals a day.
I just want to be back at the weight I was before the trip. I really don’t like the way my body is right now. Sometimes I do, mostly in certain clothes. But when I’m naked or in my underwear, unless I’m near my boyfriend, I don’t feel sexy or cute or nice. Or THIN. I just feel sort of fat.
But then there are times when I bend a certain way in the mirror, or suck in, or turn my torso I will look sickly thin. Like when I bend over my rib cage shows. Or when I stretch out my chest my chest bones show. When I lift my arms in the air my ribs show. When I flex my arm a certain way my upper arms look skeletal. My fingers are totally bony still. But that doesn’t help, because my brain keeps saying, “Don’t you want to look like that WITHOUT having to do special tricks with your body?”
Of course, I do. But I also know that isn’t healthy. Or is it? I still got my period at my lowest weight. My test results were fine. (This is my ED talking, of course.)
I don’t know. Maybe once I start eating more fruits and veggies I’ll feel better. Right now I haven’t done too much of that. I’ll do like a cleansing of my body, ha. Maybe it’ll make me feel better.
Step 1: Questions 5-9
5.) Have I tried to control myself and wound up demoralized? Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy?
Even when I succeed I always think I could have done better. I just don’t have the motivation. In my bingeing/starving days I ALWAYS tried to control my eating. If I tried too hard to starve, I’d end up bingeing. If I tried to hard to eat like a normal person, I’d starve. I could not control my eating. Either way I ended up hating myself in one way or another. I was a failure everyday.
6.) Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating? Why?
Yes, because I’ve already admitted it, and so far, it has.
7.) Do I acknowledge that my current methods of managing have not been successful, and I need to find a new approach?
I acknowledge that my past methods have not been successful. My new approach to life (OA, reocovery) has helped so much.
8.) Am I ready to change and to learn? Why?
I’m ready because I’ve felt too much pain for someone my age. My life literally fell apart at 15. Nobody deserves to go through what I did at 15 years old. At 21 I’ve embarked on an intense journey. without a new way of life, my life would be horrible. I need it for my everyday sanity, peace, and joy.
9.) Have I made an honest appraisal of my experience, and am I convinced that I can’t handle life through self-will alone? Explain.
Yes. I recently went to Hawaii and did not do one ounce of recovery. What happened? I was miserable in my own skin. 10 days of no recovery and I already slipped and fell off the recovery train. I HAVE to have recovery in my life in one way or another to stay at peace.
Step 1: Questions 2-4
2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?
PHYSICALLY: Caused fatigue, osteopenia, low strength, stomach problems, organ troubles (by refeeding), ketones, loss of period, loss of hair.
EMOTIONALLY: Depression, anger, rage, sadness, loneliness, irritable. Made me feel absolutely disgusting, ashamed, and horrible.
SPIRITUALLY: Never at peace. NEVER.
a. Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by? Explain.
I hate blaming EVERYTHING on my eating disorder, but of course I probably could have done better if I cared more. Of course the last few years I’ve just been “getting by,” because I’m lazy and unmotivated. I can do so much better. I don’t know what’s keeping me back.
b. What has it been like living with me at home?
I hate living with myself, because again, I don’t do anything. I enjoyed this life once, but this lifestyle doesn’t work in the real world. In high school dad was lonely with me at home because I withdrew. I was hard to live with/be around. I hate myself for that. God knows how hard it is/was for my fiance. I’m an extremely pessimistic person, jealous, overbearing at times. Negative. People need a lot of patience/tolerance to live with me.
c. Has chronic unhapiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage? How?
It used to. In high school I let go of all my friends. Hung out in the library. No food. No people. Relationship with Dad was non-existant. My first relationship in high school was toxic. I looked for comfort in “love,” and it did the exact opposite. Everywhere I went revolved around food – what food will be there, when/what I’d eat if anything/who would see me eating. My [present] relationship suffered greatly. It almost fell through. My fiance couldn’t handle the strength of my addiction.
d. Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness? Explain.
Now that I am in recovery, I am in touch with my feelings. When my eating disorder was active, I buried it inside. But my outside WAS what my inside was: painfully sad and miserable. I just didn’t tell anyone.
3. How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted? Explain.
Ha – if only my dad didn’t start dating [his significant other] and moving her in a couple of months after my mom died. If only my friends weren’t sluts and druggies. If only [my biggest high school crush] loved me. If only [my first boyfriend] wasn’t depressed. If only my high school counselor would leave me the Hell alone. If only my fiance didn’t make so many bad decisions in his past. If only his ex wasn’t a fucking loony. If only my dad would understand. If only my fiance’s mother would drop dead. If only my brothers TRIED to understand my eating disorder. If only (fill in the blank), my life would be PERFECT.
4. When and how has my life been unmanageable?
Most of my unmanageable life was in high school. The depression and cutting and laxative abuse and binge eating/starvation cycle was overwhelming and overbearing. I could function during the school day (barely), but at home I was an absolute wreck.
More later.
