Step 1: Question 1 Continued
What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?
First solution ever: willpower. Willpower never works without help. A few counselors. I thought love would save me. Nothing has saved me ACCEPT OA and inpatient.
How have I used excess food to escape life’s problems?
I can tell you right now that a food addict’s best feeling is right before and during a binge. When I felt worthless, tired, disgusted, angry, hopeless, sad, or (fill in the blank), food filled that void pretty quickly. Eating after starving (even if I wasn’t hungry) felt so fucking good and amazing. Food (or lack thereof) allowed me to get my anger and sadness out. I used it as a tool of revenge. I used it to feel powerful. I felt awesome – for small moments at a time at least. I didn’t want to deal with anything, and with my eating disorder, all I had to focus on was myself.
Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?
Baked goods (except cake). Ate a whole box of donuts in one sitting. Cookies. Carbs in general. Chicken definitely. As of now I stay away from that as much as possible (except chicken). Eating behaviors? Does not following my food plan count? Old school behaviors would be the all hour bingeing, separating food, cutting food into tiny pieces, hiding food, flushing food, chewing and spitting food out. Oh yeah, peanut butter has been BIG trouble. Binge on full jars years ago – and now I find it slowly progressing back to that (puting more in my breakfast, taking a spoonful “for the road,” eating it out of the jar).
Have I returned to my former compulsive overeating behaviors after years in recovery?
This would technically be my first time ’round in recovery. Have I went back after months in remission? Yes. Have I slipped/relapsed since inpatient? Yes. Do I still have eating disorder thoughts and compulsions? Yes.
More later.
Step 1: Question 1
The follow had several parts, but it’s pretty late so I’ll only be doing the very first question to part one. My answer is exactly how I wrote in on the paper.
In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obsesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity–the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging. Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
Hatred of self-image began early (puberty). Restrictive food behaviors began around age 13 in response to celebrity Britney Spears. I desperately wanted a flat stomach. Moderate restriction began ate 14. Weight around 90 pounds, height 5′0. Mother’s death at age 15 cause anorexia. Lost around 10-15 pounds through severe starvation and sometimes laxatives. Lowest weight: 80 lbs. Age 16 brought compulsive overeating in response to body’s failure to starve any longer. Bingeing would occur 7:00 AM until nighttime. Laxative use increased. Cutting a norm. Depression severe. VERY severe. Weight up between 96-100 lbs. Age 17 anorexia/bingeing/depression goes into remission. Relapse anorexia age 18 (few months only freshman year in college). Weight gradually decreases to 85 lbs. for a year or two. Severe relapse age 20 – in response to thinsperation online. Lowest weight: 78 lbs. Forced treatment (I wanted it, but not bad enough). Health consequences: hair loss, organ problems, osteopenia, loss of period (age 15), ketones in urine.
OA Meeting (Forgiveness)
So, today was a really good OA meeting. I guess before I go on I should explain something about my relationship. We met under unique circumstances. I would totally be willing to type how we met in this blog, but I really want this blog to remain anonymous, and I can’t risk anybody I know figuring out this blog belongs to me. Anyway – we met under unique circumstances – TABOO circumstances. Society was not ready for the way we met and stigmatized us very harshly. I never knew people could be so cruel, especially about something they really had no clue about.
I carried a lot of guilt around after we began dating. I kept thinking, “What if I’m going to Hell?” or “What if I am immoral?” or “What if I do deserve all this?” But at the same time, I didn’t want to leave the relationship because it just felt like the right thing to do. I was happy with him, and he was happy with me, and in our hearts we knew we didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing illegal occured for us to be together, no matter what people say, he was legally separated from his marriage when we began dating, and nothing immoral occured in my eyes. Yes, we could have waited a bit longer to be together. We could have been smarter with who we told about our relationship. But what happened, happened, and I cannot change that.
People convinced me I was a homewrecker, a slut, a nutcase. People convinced me I was wrong. But then as I found recovery, and my conscious contact with my HP strengthened, those feelings dissolved and I finally felt at peace with how we came to be. I felt at peace with myself and our relationship, despite what others thought.
But then a few nights ago his mother decided not to support our upcoming nuptuals. AND LIKE THAT, ALL those feelings I felt CAME back. I felt guilty. I felt wrong. I felt like I did something immoral. And I still feel like that a little. And why? His mother has been like that our ENTIRE relationship. I knew she wouldn’t support it. So why is it so different this time? Because we are getting married? Because we are making a LIFETIME committment to each other? Before maybe I could shrug it off because I was his girlfriend, but now that I’m going to be his WIFE maybe it’s affecting me differently? I don’t know.
But what I do know, is a fellow OA member told me something tonight that made me see it wasn’t all my fault. I wasn’t wrong. She said, “You can’t help who you fall in love with. And [your fiance] made his own decision to be with you. You were not powerful enough to have that control over him. Nobody does.”
And that’s what I have to realize. No matter HOW much they want to BLAME me, MY SIDE OF THE STREET WAS MY SIDE OF THE STREET. I am not powerful enough to have that much control on someone else. I did not manipulate him to be with me. I did not BEG him to be with me. I did not ENCOURAGE him to be with me. I just encouraged him to be happy, and to do what he felt was right in order to make himself live a more peaceful life. And he chose to be with me. And we must be doing SOMETHING right if God hasn’t struck us dead yet. If God’s plan for me was to end this relationship, I would have. And maybe that IS his plan, but right now, in THIS moment, my heart feels that it’s right to marry this man. He keeps me safe. He encourages me. He understands me. He listens to me. He is the nicest man I’ve ever met. Maybe how we met WAS taboo, but maybe God had us meet that way for a reason.
Once again OA turns my life around, one day at a time.
God Grant Me Oct. 30
“To every disadvantage, there is a correspondng advantage.”
-W. Clement Stone
Today’s Action
Today I will think about what my present disadvantages and character defects are that need to be transformed into advantages and assets.
Let’s see. I sort of already did this a few entries back when I wrote a list of my character defects. I wrote what my defects did FOR me and what they did TO me. However, I never really saw what they could do for me in a positive way. For example, what good can my jealousy bring me? How on earth can I turn my jealousy into an advantage? While I ponder that, I’ll think of my current disadvantages instead.
1.) My age
Disadvantage: My age keeps people from taking me seriously. Therefore, what I say doesn’t get taken into consideration. My age also makes it harder for me to make great decisions. I’m not old enough to carry that wisdom some older people have. My age has a lot to do with the immaturities and insecurities I still have despite what I’ve been through.
Advantage: A lot of people would die to be my age. I still have my youth, and I have A LOT of life to live. I’m at an age where the possibilities are endless. I have my health, my friends, my family, and an openess to take what life throws at me.
2.) Inexperience
Disadvantage: My inexperience is keeping me from getting me a JOB. Because I have no experience, I’ve been turned down for jobs. Even small jobs like retail are turning me down because I’ve never had retail experience! How am I supposed to get ANY job when nobody wants someone with no experience? Isn’t this why I went to college?!
Advantage: My lack of experience makes it so my brain is WIDE OPEN to learn and absorb a lot of information. Also, it allows me to learn and grow. My lack of experience allows me to maybe bring things to the table that others may haven’t. I can use my lack of experience to my advantage by educating myself on several things rather than just one thing. And this is pretty much BS because I really do not KNOW how one can turn lack of experience into an advantage.
This assignment is really, really hard. My brain is hurting right now, lol. I’m going to write a different entry.
Voices of Recovery Oct. 29
“Most of us find that fear is at the root of many of our damaging emotions and action.”
-12 and 12 of OA
Today’s Voices of Recovery was about fear and how it keeps us from doing things. The above quote is very true. My anorexia caused fear of people, fear of myself, fear of growing up, fear of taking resonsibility, fear of gaining weight, fear of change, fear of eating, fear of dying, fear of being alone, stigmatized, looked down on, etc., etc.
But in the last fear I can tell you the fears I’ve conquered:
1.) I drive places. I’m no longer afraid to drive far distances. I don’t get as anxious or panicky when I am out on the road by myself.
2.) I’m growing up. I can’t change that fact. I’ve got responsibilities, and although I am scared to face that sometimes, I know my Higher Power will take care of me.
3.) Change is inevitable. No matter what change takes place, I know it will work in my favor down along the road.
4.) Food is wonderful. Food is necessary. Food is what fuels me and keeps me alive. I no longer fear food the way I did when I was deep in my addiction.
Getting over fear is a CHALLENGE. I still have SO MANY fears in life. But I’m slowly working on that with my Higher Power.
God Grant Me Oct. 28
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”
-Aristotle
Today’s Action
Today I will reflect on what it means to be a friend and what it means to be anonymous.
As I plan my wedding, with our short guest list and my almost non existent wedding party, I realize that I don’t have FRIENDS. I used to have friends in school, but even then no real close relationships. I thought they were close relationships, but it’s high school. It was rare to actually find someone who really DID have your back, or who would comfort in you times of need. Because let’s face it, younger people don’t have the life experience and wisdom to BE good friends.
The good friends I’ve found were only with me for a short time, and those friends were the ladies and gents I met in inpatient. And unfortunately because everyone lives so far away, we can’t see each other. We’ve mostly all drifted, but I’ll never, ever forget the bonds I made with some of those girls.
I’m not a very good friend either. But maybe that’s because I don’t put myself out there to be one. I’m a hardcore loner (once diagnosed with social anxiety disorder). I don’t go out of my way to meet someone. And in school I never socialized (college). I just got up, went to class, and came home. There would be days where I LITERALLY would not talk all day until my boyfriend came home. Sometimes I feared that if my mouth was closed for a long enough time it would lock shut or my voice just wouldn’t come out anymore.
I’ve learned to be a good friend via my fiance and my fellow recovery friend (who went to the same inpatient as me). SHE is what a good friend is: loyal, understanding, non-judgemental, nice, caring, loving. I love her to death and we’ve never spoken to each other face to face. I can’t wait for the day we get to formally “meet” each other. She was God sent…definitly a fate thing.
As for anonymity…I guess for me anonymity helps us remain humble. It also lessens the chances of gossip being spread around. Eating disorders (and other addictions) are somewhat private diseases that carry a lot of shame and guilt, so I think it’s best if we all remain anonymous just in case. I for one don’t mind if other people know who I am, but for program’s sake, I try to remain anonymous as much as possible. Also anonymity helps us all focus on EACH OTHER rather than WHAT WE ARE or DO. Anonymity crushes the labels. Instead of a housewife or a broker or a single parent, you are JUST a person who is suffering from the same thing we are.
Alright…that’s all for now. Going to go make some healthy dinner, lol.
Journal (Getting Back On Track)
BOY have I FELL OFF THE RECOVERY TRAIN. I’m so disappointed in my actions, yet, I still can’t seem to get motivated enough to get back on. So today, right now, this is my first step in changing my behaviors so I can return to the life of serenity I was living a few weeks back.
Don’t get me wrong, the last few weeks have been precious and valuable. I went to Hawaii and got engaged to the most wonderful man. Our wedding planning has been so much fun (and stressful, haha). However, there’s still things looming above me that I need to take care of.
One is to get a job. I never thought job hunting would be this hard. I’ve basically given up all hope of getting a “real” job for a few months. Therefore, I’m trying to get a job somewhere close like Barnes and Noble. Scratch that. I’m more like pretending to try than actually doing it. See, I have this fear of PEOPLE in general, so anything that involves me having to use a cash register or dealing with people, I don’t want to do it. So I’ve really been slacking on the whole job thing. But tomorrow I have it planned to go to another Barnes and Noble and also apply at a Sees Candy place. I know they are looking for help now.
And as for FOOD, I can’t believe how bad I’ve been doing. I’m either restricting or eating more than I should. And after I week of this I thought I had for sure lost weight (which made me happy), but I GAINED. This little gain hasn’t pushed me into restricting, but I am mad over it. And I am determined to lose it somehow. Bad I know. I keep telling myself my urges to binge and the weight gain is due to a coming period. Hopefully that’s the verdict.
Alright. Onto a God Grant Me entry next.
Journal (Vacation)
Hey Everyone. So sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve been in Hawaii. I’m supposed to be enjoying every minute of it, but I have to be honest: I’ve gained weight over here with all the food. Around 3-4 pounds to be exact. To a normal person, that’s nothing. But to ME, that’s everything. I feel gross and disgusting. I feel like I need to starve myself down to what I was. I can’t wait to get home just so I can weigh myself on MY scale. I’m still telling myself that the scale here is WRONG. I’m so anxious over it all. I know I should just surrender, but it’s so hard. We are either eating out or my grandma makes tons of food.
Bless her heart. I was eating dinner with her and she said, “It’s good to see you eating again.” Well, it offended me for obvious reasons. But also, she lives here in Hawaii, so it’s like, “You never saw me NOT eating.” She didn’t even know about my eating until my dad told her. She found out about it maybe a week before I went into inpatient.
I know. Be grateful for what I have. Be thankful for the home and food she is offering me here on Hawaii. I am. Believe me. But we all know how hard it is to do that 24/7.
Oh and one more thing: I’m engaged!
Journal (Character Defects)
So, the other night at OA we read in Lifeline about a woman who listed her character defects, what the defects did for her, and what they did to her. I haven’t begun the 12-steps, but after listening to that, I thought of what I think to be my greatest defects. I’m going to do the exercise the woman did in Lifeline.
1.) Insecurity
What it does FOR me: My insecurity keeps me safe from other people. I don’t have to worry about getting to know others as long as I stay away from them. My insecurity also allows me to take care of appearance. My insecurity keeps me in the house, away from harm.
What it does TO me: My insecurity keeps me from making any friends. It keeps me in the house with nothing to do because I am so afraid to go anywhere or do anything. My insecurity keeps me from accepting myself and my appearance.
2.) Selfishness
What it does FOR me: Being selfish allows me to get what I want without having to do anything for others. My selfishness keeps me from having to lift a finger for anyone else.
What it does TO me: My selfishness makes others disappointed in me. My selfishness makes me feel guilty for never helping anyone else out. My selfishness makes me egotistical.
3.) Jealousy
What it does FOR me: My jealousy keeps me aware of everything my boyfriend is doing. My jealously keeps me striving to get what other people have that I want. My jealousy makes me work harder.
What it does TO me: My jealousy ruins my relationship. My jealousy makes me miserable. My jealousy makes me play mind games with myself. My jealousy keeps me from being grateful for what I have.
4.) Impatience
What it does FOR me: My impatience sometimes gets me what I want quicker.
What it does TO me: My impatience doesn’t allow me to enjoy the now. My impatience causes problems in my relationship. My impatience takes away my current happiness because I always want more now.
5.) Lack of motivation
What it does FOR me: My lack of motivation gives me free time to do anything I want. My lack of motiviation allows me to surf the internet all day doing nothing. My lack of motiviation keeps me from getting up and having to do work.
What it does TO me: My lack of motiviation keeps me from doing healthy activities. My lack of motiviation keeps me from getting a job. My lack of motiviation makes my life empty and worthless.
God Grant Me Oct. 5
“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
-Proverbs 17:22
Today’s Action
Today I will list five things in my life that make my heart merry. When did I last enjoy each of these things?
To be honest, not a lot of things make me happy. I’m a very lazy person who doesn’t get out much, so things that make my “heart merry” probably will sound a bit stupid. But here it goes:
1.) Having a meaningful conversation with my boyfriend.
Having meaningful conversations with my boyfriend definitely makes my heart merry. We’ve been together for three years now, so these types of conversations are few and far between, but when they DO happen, it’s such a great thing. The last time we had one was actually two nights ago.
2.) Dancing.
I haven’t danced in three years. This makes me quite sad, but from what I can remember, dancing will always be the one thing that makes me feel so alive and free. When I dance, nothing else in the world matters.
3.) Watching a horror film.
Watching a horror film is one of the things I enjoy most. I’ve been doing it since I was around three years old. The last time I watched a horror movie was probably a couple of weeks ago (The Hills Have Eyes 2).
4.) Blogging/Writing.
Writing is one of my passions, although I’m beginning to think that I’m not that great at it. Anyway, I love writing – mostly blogs that involve my opnions, rants, or reviews of books and/or movies. I get the pleasure of writing everyday, and some day I hope to utilize this skill in my future career whatever that may be.
5.) My Dog.
If anyone can make me smile when I’m sad/pissed/frustrated, it’s my dog. She’s so cute, and she’s just the happiest dog in the entire world. I literally think I love her too much. I get to enjoy being with my dog on a daily basis!
