Journal (Junk Food)
So my life has been stressful, and it’s because I haven’t dedicated a good amount of time to recovery in the last few days. Technology and other things have tempted me out of it, but I decided to dedicate a few minutes to typing in this. I would whip out my recovery books and do one of those entries, but baby steps, haha.
The other day my significant other and I went to a grocery store/costco type place. Well, you know those candy dispensers that you put a bag under and you can get as much as you want? Well, they had huge ones filled with ALL types of food. They had dried fruits, dried pasta, rice, flour, pancake mix, tea, oats, cereal, dog food, crackers, coffee, etc. I felt like I was in heaven, but HELL because I couldn’t get every thing I wanted. I wanted to grab 20 plastic bags and get all the chocolate and candy and granola and muffin mix I could get my hands on. And they had HUGE chunks of chocolate for baking. I wanted to get like five of them (these chunks of chocolate were like bigger than my fist).
I ended up getting a small bag of dried appricots covered in coconut. And those aren’t that great, but I LOVE coconut. I’ve been slowly transitioning into foods I wouldn’t touch at all after getting out of inpatient. The other day I had the french fries that came with my lunch. I didn’t feel guilty for eating them, but I felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty for eating them. I felt that girls with eating disorders would look at me with disgust for NOT feeling disgust for the fries! I had my first piece of terimesu (sp?) the other night also. I felt sort of bad after eating that.
I feel like I’m depriving myself, but I also know I would feel very bad after eating certain foods. The place we went to had EVERY SINGLE Halloween chocolate I find nostalgic and delicious (like the chocolate eyeballs, chocolate pumpkins, etc), and I couldn’t get ANY. I’ve gone so long without eating candy that if I ate any now I’d feel so worthless.
Foods I still will not touch:
Chocolate (unless it’s in coffee, a milkshake, or terimesu like deserts.)
Chips
Cake
Ice Cream (unless it’s in milkshake form)
Cookies
Brownies
Peanuts (excluding peanut butter)
Butter
Candy
Bubblegum
Any white carbs (sometimes I’ll make exceptions when there is nothing else.)
Beef (if I can help it.)
I can’t think of anything else right now. Sigh.
