God Grant Me Sept. 30
“Our hearts harden when we close our grief and hurt, and our hard hearts bring us more loneliness. It’s a cycle we need to break in recovery.”
-Anonymous
Today’s Action
Today I will make a list of all the different ways I became blinded by my addiction.
I’m not really sure if there were several ways in which my anorexia blinded me. I mean, of course I was “blinded” by how much I was hurting those who loved me, and I was “blinded” by how much I was hurting my body, but that’s part of the denial that comes along with any addiction. I guess I was emotionally blinded; even though I was already an emotional person, I guess I was using all the wrong coping strategies. Food (or the lack thereof) is not a good void filler! I was blinded from making rational decisions. I was blinded by reality – meaning what I saw in the mirror was false, what I saw on my plate was false, what I saw in my loved ones was false. My eating disorder would twist and turn things around to the point where I wasn’t thinking straight.
Recovery has really cleared some of that fog. I don’t see my body the way I used to (even though I still probably have some body dysmorphia). I also see situations totally different, and “a lot” of food to me now is drastically different from when I was deep into my anorexia. Back then “a lot” of food was an energy bar with a can of ensure (which, I will never drink again, considering I was fed it everyday in inpatient!).
Anorexia the DISEASE?
So, for years now I’ve believed that all addictions were diseases. Maybe not in the sense of Cancer, but mental diseases that cannot be cured. That is what we are taught in recovery and OA. We are taught that our eating disorders are diseases that 1) cannot be cured and 2) can only be managed. But today I was watching a show and a character in it was in rehab for pill addiction. Her son came to visit her and she apologized for her “disease” and he stopped her and said, “Is that what you are calling it? It’s not a disease. Cancer is a disease, what you have is a weakness.”
I know addictions are not weaknesses. I mean I know they take us over at weak moments, but I don’t believe you are weak if you have an addiction. But is it really fair to call them diseases? And if so, where do you cross the line? Is OCD a disease? Is borderline personality disorder a disease?
I was listening to this radio program, and it was obviously a hard-core religious station. Anyway – this preacher was totally bad mouthing people with addictions saying that addictions were definitely not diseases. He was so mean. He said, “People only call it a disease to feel better about themselves. They say it’s a disease so they have an excuse for everything they do wrong. Well, what about this — I’m going to go out and speed all the time. And when I get pulled over, I’m going to tell the officer that I have a “speeding” disease.”
I was so angry at him for that. I still am. But I just realized he was uneducated and ignorant. But then again, everyone IS entitled to their own opinions, but it is MY opinion that people have no right to an opinion unless they get the education of both sides.
But I seriously am doubting the fact that addictions are diseases. Instead of saying I have a disease, I just say I have a disorder. I guess I still see it has a mental disease, but I don’t know anymore. I guess it’s not really important. It’s not really important what we clasify it as as long as we know we have it and that we can manage it. Right?
God Grant Me Sept. 28
“A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.”
-William Blake
Today’s Action
Today I will list five pieces of practical wisdom I have gained from my recovery process.
I’m not quite sure what to put here, but I guess there are no right or wrong answers.
1.) I can’t control what others do.
For the past three years I’ve tried to control what other people do or say. I get defensive and tell everyone else what they are doing wrong, regardless if they are or aren’t. People will do and say dumb/unwise things, but I’ve learned through recovery that I cannot change them. I’ve accepted that there will be people in my life that will constantly try to get the best of me, but I’ve also learned that they won’t change. I’m the one who needs to change my way of thinking, and if I do that, I’ll be in a better position to handle whatever they throw at me.
2.) Hurting myself is not a good way to punish others.
For the longest time I used my anorexia as a way to get back at others who I felt wronged me. If I was upset with my father, I’d “punish” him by starving myself. The sicker I was, the more I felt he’d feel like it was his fault. I wanted to die so he would feel bad. I also use(d) cutting as a way to release revenge on someone close to me. But like a good friend of mine in recovery said, “Using your addiction as a way to punish others is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.” It’s just not gonna happen.
3.) I can’t change others; I must change myself.
See point number one.
4.) Whatever happens is meant to.
I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and that I have a Higher Power who has a plan for me. Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, is meant to happen.
5.) Keep coming back.
People close to me often tell me that I can be cured of this, but I’ve learned that when I stopped doing daily recovery I slipped/relapsed. OA has really kept me going on recovery, and it has really helped me in ways I never thought it would. I have to keep coming back or else I know my life would be completely miserable. I totally believe that with 100% of my heart.
Evie
Thank you so much for your comment and kind words. I’m also glad that you are choosing a healthier way to live. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it! Nobody is perfect; perfection does not exist. Good luck to you, too. And good luck publishing that book. :-D
Get Over Yourself Page 41-43
The next task is to pick another high numbered belief from the survey. I’ve chosen “I need to be liked.” The book then provided me a letter with blank spaces. I was asked to fill in the blank spaces with “I need to be liked,” and here is what I got:
Dear Friend,
I know you will never forgive me for this, but I have decided to end my life. I wanted you to know that it is not your fault or responsibility. I accept complete responsibility for my decision, and I am only writing you to tell you I love you and to apologize for any ways I may have hurt you–but mostly to let you know that you were the most meaningful part of my life, and I thank you for being in it.
Unfortunately, I cannot bear living another day. I can never overcome the fact that I need to be liked, and I don’t want to keep living in a world that’s made that way. I have listened to everyone’s advice and they are all wrong or it just doesn’t apply to me. In my world, I need to be liked. And I can’t take it any longer. I can’t ever be what I want to be. I’m not lucky. Everyone else gets the breaks. Fortune has never smiled on me. I’m miserable, and I’m tired of making other people miserable.
You are the only one who ever listened. You are the only one who seemed to care. I didn’t even appreciate all you did. My life is not worth living because I need to be liked. I will be dead by the time you read this, but just know there was nothing you could have done to stop me.
Good-bye,
Friend
It then asks me how the letter made me feel, if I’ve ever felt that kind of pain, what I would have done to reach out to this person, etc.
The letter actually made me feel guilty, because even though I do feel that I need to be liked, it’s not to the point where I want to end my life over it. But I know there are people out there who do want to end their lives because they feel the need to be liked by everone. It made me realize that maybe my beliefs aren’t that “important” or “troubling.” I am lucky because I don’t feel the need to end my life. I have been in a dark place like that, and I never would want to get back to that place again. I’m not quite sure what I would have said to reach out to a person like that, because I don’t from personal experience how hard it is to change someone’s beliefs. I guess that’s the point of this exercise.
Get Over Yourself Page 39-40
So to continue with the previous task, I’m to pick the top five beliefs of the survey I did a few days ago. For each belief, I am to write a feeling to go with it, and the percentage of how much I feel that way.
1.) Plan for the worst, but hope for the best.
Feeling: Cautious
Percentage: 98%
2.) Everyone has to pay their dues.
Feeling: Helpless
Percentage: 95%
3.) I don’t like selling or promoting.
Feeling: Scared
Percentage: 100%
4.) I’ll believe it when I see it.
Feeling: Skeptical
Percentage: 75%
5.) I don’t know what I would do if I failed.
Feeling: Worried
Percentage: 80%
Now I’m supposed to write each belief in positive form accomplanied again by a feeling and percentage.
1.) Don’t plan for the worst, and accept what you get.
Feeling: Disappointed
Percentage: 75%
2.) Nobody has to pay their dues.
Feeling: Excited
Percentage: 95%
3.) I like selling or promoting.
Feeling: Confident
Percentage: 30%
4.) I don’t have to see it to believe it.
Feeling: Faithful
Percentage: 85%
5.) Everything will be okay if I fail.
Feeling: Hopeful
Percentage: 75%
This was really a hard task. I’m not even sure if I did it right, but I guess there’s no right or wrong answer. More to come.
Get Over Yourself Page 38-39
All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
The mind is everything.
What we think, we become.
-Maharishi Yogi
Alright. So, the book asked me to pick one of my beliefs from my previous survey marked with either an eight, nine, or 10. So I chose this: I don’t enjoy my work without praise from others. Then it asked me to write it in a positive form: I’ll enjoy my work even if I don’t receive praise from others.
Quoting from the book, “Chances are you have resistance to this new story. Write it down.”
I think I do have resistance to this idea for several reasons. I’m actually going through something like this as we speak. Lately my recovery has been really good compared to a year ago. I’m going to meetings, I graduated college, I’m applying for a few jobs, I’m handling things better, and I’m driving everywhere on my own. However, although I should be happy, I feel resentment because nobody seems to be acknowledging these small things. I’ve gotten a few “congrats” here and there for graduating, but nobody really SEES the change in my personality. But maybe that’s just my selfish side, because I don’t see my family all the time. They don’t KNOW I’ve been driving as much, or leading the OA meetings, or finding jobs on my own. But I feel like nobody cares unless I’m working this prestigious job that makes a bunch of money, because let’s face it, I’m the first kid in my family to have successfully completed college.
I take pride in my web design and blogs, but nobody acknowledges it because they don’t take the time to read what I write. They don’t take the time to realize how long it takes me to complete one web page. I’m proud of what I do, yet I feel like it’s not worth anything unless there’s a paycheck along with it.
So back to having resistence to the idea that I could be happy without praise from others? I guess it’s possible, but how would you know whether or not you are doing a good job if you don’t receive any credit for it? You either don’t really do a good job, or you shouldn’t be working for the people you are working for. Maybe when I gain more self-esteem I’ll be able to know in my heart whether or not I’m doing a great job.
More on this assignment later.
Paige
I recently got a comment from a girl named Paige. She informed me that she is doing a school project and asked how I became anorexic.
Well, Paige, I could go on and on about why I “became” anorexic, but for now I’ll try to give you the simplest answer I can:
Growing up my mother expected a lot from me. I was to be smart, beautiful, talented, polite, and the best at absolutely everything. I was pressured to be perfect all the time. When my mother passed away when I was fifteen, to numb out the pain I began dieting which turned into an eating disorder. Ever since puberty I thought I was fat (even though I had always been underweight), so by numbing out the pain with starvation I could kill two birds with one stone.
People believe anorexia (or any other type of eating disorder) is a choice. But it was not a choice. I chose to diet, but I did not choose to become addicted to dieting. As the disorder progressed, I used it for more and more things in my life to fill the void I had inside. It was always there for me, and I could lean on it whenever I needed to, even though I knew there were health consequences.
A lot of things contributed to my eating disorder. I can’t give you a concrete answer of why I developed anorexia, but I hope the above answer clears a few things up.
Thanks, Paige. And good luck on your project.
Get Over Yourself! Page 8-9
I skipped this part of the book because it was a really long survey, but I can’t really do the rest of the book without it. So because I cannot write in the book, here I go, typing the whole thing out.
Rate the following with 1-10 (1 being total disagreement, 10 being total agreement).
1. Money corrupts people. 8
2. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best. 10
3. I have to suffer for my art. 8
4. If I get psychologically healthy, I’ll lose my edge. 1
5. Everyone has to pay their dues. 10
6. There is no such thing as overnight success. 3
7. You have to sleep your way to the top. 1
8. It’s not what you know; it’s whom you know. 9
9. I don’t like selling or promoting. 10
10. If you’re good, you’ll be discovered. 3
11. You’ve got to have something to fall back on. 10
12. The “Greats” die unappreciated. 2
13. I’ll believe it when I see it. 10
14. I’m not good with money. 3
15. I’m getting this degree/certificate in case things don’t work out in my chosen profession. 1
16. I have to give my art, my work, away to make connections. 1
17. I have to keep studying my entire life in order to be great. 5
18. Success is a matter of luck. 6
19. I don’t want to be rich for famous. 3
20. I don’t know what I would do if I failed. 10
21. Superstars are usually mediocre talents. 2
22. I’ll try this out for a couple of years and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll try something else. 10
23. I need to be liked. 10
24. You can’t fight fate. 10
25. I don’t enjoy my work without praise from others. 9
26. Really talented people are always successful. 5
27. Some people are just born lucky. 10
28. The rich get richer, while the poor stumble along until they die. 9
29. I don’t have enough education to do what I dream of. 6
30. There are no overnight successes. 3
31. I don’t want the hassle of fame or fortune. 7
32. Women have a much harder time getting ahead. 5
33. Most rich people are miserable. 6
34. You’ve got to have money to get more. 10
35. I don’t have to manage my money because I don’t have any. 9
36. My chances of getting rich are slim to none. 10
37. If I get rich or successful, I’ll lose my friends. 1
38. If I get rich, everybody will be begging me for something. 7
39. Why should I be rich when so many people are starving? 1
40. People get rich by climbing over the backs of others. 10
God Grant Me Sept. 23
“If you go around thinking you are being cheated, life becomes very unpleasant.”
Felix Salten
Today’s Activity
What are five good things that I have gotten from recovery? Ten? Write them down and refer to them whenever I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself.
1. Health
2. Katie
3. Better communication skills
4. Clarity
5. Confidence
6. Independence
7. Strength
8. Faith
9. Happiness
10. Courage
