Recovering Anorexic

“The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.”
-P.B. Medawar

Today’s Action
Today I will list the ways I became rigid and close-minded. Because fear most often creates rigidity, I will ask myself what I may be afraid of.

I decided to do yesterday’s action, because today’s action didn’t allow me to write. Plus, I haven’t been doing the daily actions in “God Grant Me…”, so I may backtrack quite a bit.

My whole life I’ve been close-minded and rigid. When I was younger, anyone who didn’t have as much toys or clothes as me was poor. Anyone who didn’t get grades like me was dumb. Anyone who did drugs, had sex, or drank alcohol was a bad, immoral person. I’ve put myself on a pedestal, and you had to be virtually perfect to come anywhere near me. If you didn’t, I simply looked down on you. As I grew up these beliefs lessened, but I still was close-minded in other areas. I began resenting religion in my late teens. I refused to pray. I looked down on Christians. I thought the Bible was a joke. And once I began my eating disorder, I become close-minded to everything anyone ever tried telling me. I was right, everyone else was wrong. I knew what was best for me, and everyone else was out of their minds. I was close-minded to help, treatment, food plans, higher powers.

I guess I was afraid of change for starters. If I listened to anyone else, I’d have to change my original plan of thinking and start thinking something new. I also feared, or resented the fact, that while I was in my “perfect” world of morality and good grades, I wasn’t out having a good time like everyone else. And with religion, I guess I resented the fact that I had nothing to believe in. As far as treatment goes, of course, my biggest fear there was gaining weight. I didn’t want anything to do with anything that would take away my anorexia. My anorexia was my best friend, and without it, it’s like I didn’t know how to breathe.