Get Over Yourself! Pages 28-32
Today’s section of Get Over Yourself! asked me to do the same thing I did yeseterday, except write my beliefes (using “I believe that I can” or “I believe that I cannot” statements) about each topic instead of what I have. So here goes again:
FAMILY: I believe that I can have a supporting family. However, I believe that I cannot have an understanding family. I believe that I will always have to set certain boundaries with certain members of my family.
LOVE: I believe that I can make my relationship work and last forever. I believe that I can learn to respect, trust, and encourage my partner. I believe that we can make it work as long as we keep working on ourselves.
BODY: I believe that I cannot get to a point where I am satisfied with my body. I believe that I can maintain this weight as long as I stay in recovery even though I don’t like it. I believe that I cannot work on my “problem areas” through exercise.
HEALTH: I believe that I can become a healthy individual. I believe that I can take care of my body.
SEX: I believe that I can finally one day have sexual intercourse. I believe that I can and will be able to enjoy it once I do. I believe that I can stay sexually confident.
FINANCES: I believe that I can be wealthy if I find a good job. I believe that I can get myself out of debt once I get a job.
CAREER: I believe that I can find a well paying job. I believe that I can work to my fullest potential with motivation. I believe that I cannot produce best-selling novels like I always wanted. I believe that I cannot become rich and famous because I believe I do not have enough talent. I believe that nobody wants to hire someone fresh out of college.
HAPPINESS: I believe that I can be happy as long as I continue on a path of recovery. I believe that happiness exists for those who are content with what they have. I believe that I cannot be happy as long as I keep envying others and wishing I had more things.
FRIENDSHIP: I believe that I cannot make long lasting friendships. I believe I cannot make friends because I will always be shy and a loner. I believe I cannot be social or go out because I just don’t like to. I believe that I can make close friends online versus in real life.
RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY: I believe that I cannot be religious based on my morals, values, and opinions. I believe that I can become more spiritual through my recovery. I believe that I can benefit from having a Higher Power to lean on.
Get Over Yourself! Pages 15-20
Today’s section in Get Over Yourself! asked me to write an inventory of certain things in my life. So here goes:
HOME: My boyfriend and I are renting a house that doesn’t really belong to us. Nothing inside of it is ours, and because nothing belongs to us I don’t feel “at home.” Once we start moving in things of our own, I think I could be happy here, because we live in a very nice area on a golf course. The house is a little small for my taste, but for now it’ll have to do because we aren’t made of money.
FAMILY: Growing up I always thought my family was close, but now that I’m older I’ve realized they all have skeletons in their closets. My mother died when I was younger, and I was never close to my dad. No matter how crazy my family may be, they do support me in their own ways; I know they only want the best for me. I’m very close to my significant other; he’s really the only “real life” friend I’ve got.
LOVE: I’m in a complicated but fulfilling relationship with my boyfriend of three years. Through him I’ve learned what true love is. No matter how many times we don’t see eye to eye on things, we compliment each other and support each other. We plan on getting married and starting our own family.
BODY: I’m underweight for my height and probably appear thin to other people. But in my opinion, I’m chubby in a few places, too short, and disproportioned. I’m a petite person, and because of that people think I’m younger than I really am.
HEALTH: My health looks fine on paper; according to the doctor I’m in good shape. However, I do suffer from osteopenia, and therefore, I have to make sure I take the proper vitamins to help my bones and to keep nourished. I get winded easily from moderate exercise.
SEX: I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I have been intimate with my boyfriend. I’m totally satisfied with our sex life, and I am waiting to have intercourse until we are married. I’m very comfortable with my sexuality and am mostly unashamed with the things that we do.
FINANCES: Ever since my financial aid cut me off, we’ve been tight on money. I’m just finishing college and nobody seems to want to hire me. I’m living off my credit card for the first time, and I constantly worry we will never be able to dig ourselves out of this hole. I constantly worry we will never be able to afford nice things.
CAREER: I have a picture of what I want to do with my life, but nobody seems to want to hire me. My current part-time job doesn’t pay the bills, and it’s very unstable. I like the work, but I hate the fact that I only work a few hours a week if that.
HAPPINESS: Sometimes I’m happy with my current situation, but mostly not. Everytime something good happens, something bad always seems to happen three fold. I wish I could be happy with what I have, but I have a lot of learning to do.
FRIENDSHIP: I don’t have friends that I see in real life. They either live far away or I simply choose not to contact them because I am a loner. I find that most of my close friends are the ones I’ve met online. Other than that, I’m too insecure and shy to meet new people. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. The only “real” friend I have that I see everyday is my boyfriend.
RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY: I don’t really believe in any religion, because I don’t think only one religion is right or wrong. I think organized religion is for people who want to feel important and safe. I think a lot of people who are in organized religions judge others. That is why I choose to be spiritual instead. I believe in a Higher Power, and I pray to the Higher Power, but I don’t believe my Higher Power gave birth to Jesus or told anyone to crash into the Twin Towers. My Higher Power is fate.
God Grant Me August 30th
“What man was ever content with one crime?”
-Juvenal
Today’s Action
Today I will list the things my addiction has stolen from me.
My anorexia stole my innocence, my security, my courage, my self-steem, my self respect, my dignity, my education, my time with loved ones, my health, my logic, my faith, my kindness, my common sense.
God Grant Me August 29th
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
-Dr. Benjamin Spock
Today’s Action
Today I will write down ten good things I know about myself.
Today’s theme in “God Grant Me…”, as well as “Voices of Recovery” was whether or not we trusted in ourselves. Am I a bad person? Am I lovable? Will people like me despite my past and defects of character? These thoughts have crossed through my mind a thousand times, especially since I’ve done things in my life that would be considered “taboo” or “immoral” to outside viewers. And although I could have handled things different, I am where I am as of now, and I am who I am despite what I’ve done or the decisions I’ve made. There are people who judge me for what I’ve done, but at the same time, there are people who like me despite what I’ve done as well. Of course, I always wonder deep down, “They probably judge me for it, but they choose to act as if I never told them what I did in the first place.” I sometimes think there’s no possible way anyone could genuinely like me once I tell them the truth, and if they DO genuinely like me, a part of them may still judge my past. I wish I could read people’s minds.
Onto today’s action. Ten good things I know about myself:
1.) I’m faithful.
2.) I’m honest.
3.) I’m caring.
4.) I’m independent.
5.) I’m creative.
6.) I’m trustworthy.
7.) I try to be a good person.
8.) I have goals.
9.) I’m nice (most of the time).
10.) I have morals.
God Grant Me August 27th
Again I’m deciding to do yesterday’s action. I like focusing on the negative (don’t we all), and today’s action had me focusing on the positive, and I’m just too pessemistic to do that right now.
“Cruelty cannot stop the earth’s heart from beating.”
-Evelyn Coleman
Today’s Action
Today I will lok to see what kinds of cruelty are going on around me and will put this into a list. What am I doing so that I will not be part of the problem?
I like venting my problems, and I’m feeling rather frustrated, so I figured yesterday’s action would help me get some things out. Well, there’s a lot of cruelty going on around me at the moment. My boyfriend’s ex-wife emotionally abuses her children to a high extent. She’s upset that I am together with her ex-husband, and has been so for the last three years. This woman is not stable. I am not overexaggerating or speaking out of hate. Over the last three years we’ve tried getting two restraining orders against her, but both attempts have failed. She’s gone as far as harrassing me, harrassing my family via telephone, threatening the lives of myself and my boyfriend, verbally abusing me in front of her children, etc. I’ve retaliated once out of anger; the rest of the time I’ve barely spoken once sentence to the woman. She regularly accuses me of having OCD and bulimia (which I don’t) and she accuses me of hearing voices in my head (which I never have) and she accuses me of bringing down her ex-husband and saying that I’m a burden because I don’t have a job (I’m a recent college graduate). Her kids are not healthy emotionally (they do show symptoms of emotional abuse, but I’d rather keep them private no matter how anonymous this blog may be).
We’ve called CPS informing them that the children have told us they’ve been disciplined with a hanger, and CPS did nothing. On the other hand, the ex-wife retaliated, lied, and said she would tell CPS my boyfriend was molesting the children (when he never has).
And what do all the laywers, child therapists, CPS, and friends say? “They should just learn how to get along for the kids’ sake.” My boyfriend isn’t the one causing the problems! He’s tried for the last THREE years to “get along” with her, but because she hates me so much, she puts us through this torture. His ex-wife is totally out of her mind, but everyone refuses to see this because she is able to manipulate everyone around her and make it look like my boyfriend walked out on the kids. He didn’t.
THAT is the cruelty that is going on around me. I’ve learned the justice system is flawed in more ways than one. I’ve learned that no matter how much I pray for my enemies, it won’t change them. The change has to come from within me. What am I doing so that I am not apart of the problem? I give it up to God, and I let her rant and rave everyday via telephone, face-to-face communication, e-mail, and others. I don’t respond of she harrasses me. But I will not stop living; I will not leave my boyfriend; I will not give up my relationship just because she has been trying to break it up for years.
In other news, I had dinner at my brother’s house. He cooked swedish meatballs. I took six. My sister-in-law saw this and said, “Did your brother put all those meatballs on your plate?” And I said, “No, I did.” and she said, “Wow! I’m impressed!” Translation: “I’m impressed you put that much food on your plate.” My translation: “I’m surprised you put SO MANY meatballs on your plate! That’s A LOT OF FOOD! Only FAT people EAT THAT MUCH food!”
Also, OA was cancelled today. Sigh.
Get Over Yourself! Page 13
Today, “Get Over Yourself!” asked me to read the following statement and to write down the first thing that popped into my head afterwards:
I give up all the stories that hold me back, and I embrace the infinite potential that is mine to express.
The first thing that popped into my head was, “It’s not that easy. I can’t just walk into a place and get a job. I don’t have job opportunities all around me in the town where I live. I don’t have money to just start my own career.”
And then this is what the book had to say: “This is what keeps you from your power and your glory, and keeps you locked in a world created by what you have been told, what you have heard, or seen.”
Daily Inspirations – Comparing and Judgement
Stop Ruining Your Fun
(From The Language of Letting Go)
Stop comparing and judging. Those two behaviors drain all the joy out of a perfectly good life.
We compare this time in our lives to another time. Then we decide that this time is worse, not as much fun. Or we compare out life to someone else’s, and we decide the other person is having more fun and success than we are.
Comparison is judgmental. We judge this to be better than that, and this to be worse than the other. By comparing and judging, we deny ourselves the beauty of the moment and the wonder of the life that’s in front of us now.
Instead of deciding if a situation is good or bad, just be thankful for it- the way it is. Most things are neither good nor bad, unless we attribute those judgements to them. Most things simply are, and they are what they are, at this moment in time.
Go into the moment. Let it be what it is- free of judgments and comparison. Can you believe how beautiful it is, right now, right here where you are? Why didn’t you see that before? If comparing and judging is draining all the joy out of your life, start putting some fun back in it by applying a little gratitude, instead.
“God, help me put the fun back in my life by letting each moment be what it is, without comparing it to anything else.”
-Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
I’m so insecure that I envy anyone and everything. What I have isn’t as nearly as great as what the guy down the street has, or what my brother has, or what my friend has. Etc, etc. I always compare what I have to other people, because I never am satisfied with what I have. And maybe that’s why my house recently burned down. Maybe God was teaching me a lesson–the lesson of being humble and grateful for what you already have.
I’m also the kind of person who wants everything NOW. I get so envious of my family and friends, because a lot of them are getting engaged or getting pregnant. And I want all that, too, but my boyfriend and I are on different pages. I know I need to give this up to my Higher Power and let Him take care of it. It’ll happen when he wills it so, but I’m afraid the longer I wait, the less likely it will happen. But then again, if it DOESN’T happen, maybe that was in God’s will also.
I need to stop seeing my life as one problem after the next, and simply see it for what it is. Nothing is “bad” as long as I don’t see it as that. Maybe if I saw these “problems” as hurdles or stepping stones into something greater, I’ll be able to handle them much more effectively. Maybe if I was more grateful with who I was and with what I had, I wouldn’t be so miserable all the time…wishing I had everything else than what I have.
God Grant Me August 26th
“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one of them to say ‘thank you’?”
-William Arthur Ward
Today’s Action
Throughout the day, I will find ways to say thank you to others and to my Higher Power. In the past, how did I use negativity as a defense?
Um, while I was active in my addiction, I was a very negative person. I think I’m very pessemistic by nature, so on top of having an addiction, I never looked on the bright side, ever. Going along with yesterday’s post, everyone else’s effort to help me was turned away. Instead of being thankful for what they were trying to do for me, or what they WERE doing for me, I used my addiction as a way to get back at them for the things I resented them for. I would slowly kill myself with starvation so I would hurt my father for hurting me, or simply being a “bad father” (even though now I know he never hurt me on purpose, and he was one of the greatest dads in the world). Even though I’ve made my ammends with him and thanked him for everything he has done in the last six years, I still feel a world of guilt that I don’t think I’ll be able to shake until I forgive myself. Which is a hard thing to do. He’s forgiven me, but that doesn’t give back all the seconds I was completely horrible to him for no reason. Even before my addiction I carried resent for him for unknown reasons. I feel so guilty.
Get Over Yourself! Page 7
The following are my answers.
Success Associations Exercise (Pg. 7 of Get Over Yourself!)
1. Success is: being financially stable.
2. Success is: being happy.
3. Success is: reaching goals.
4. Money is: important.
5. Money is: hard to get.
6. Financial freedom is: being rich.
7. Celelbrities are: lucky.
8. The reasons I cannot or may not become successful are: My laziness. My insecurity. My fear. My driving phobia. My social anxiety disorder. My lack of motivation.
9. Some of the possible negatives about being wealthy or going through the process of trying to become successful are: Becoming wealthy may make me less humble. Getting wealthy may drain me physically and emotionally. I may lose time with family, friends, and myself. I may get rejected and let down. I may have to hurt people in order to get what I want.
10. My greatest worries and fears about becoming successful are: Nothing. I want nothing more than to be successful.
11. The worst thing about being wealthy is: People envy you. And come to think of it, that’s not that bad either.
God Grant Me August 24th
“The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.”
-P.B. Medawar
Today’s Action
Today I will list the ways I became rigid and close-minded. Because fear most often creates rigidity, I will ask myself what I may be afraid of.
I decided to do yesterday’s action, because today’s action didn’t allow me to write. Plus, I haven’t been doing the daily actions in “God Grant Me…”, so I may backtrack quite a bit.
My whole life I’ve been close-minded and rigid. When I was younger, anyone who didn’t have as much toys or clothes as me was poor. Anyone who didn’t get grades like me was dumb. Anyone who did drugs, had sex, or drank alcohol was a bad, immoral person. I’ve put myself on a pedestal, and you had to be virtually perfect to come anywhere near me. If you didn’t, I simply looked down on you. As I grew up these beliefs lessened, but I still was close-minded in other areas. I began resenting religion in my late teens. I refused to pray. I looked down on Christians. I thought the Bible was a joke. And once I began my eating disorder, I become close-minded to everything anyone ever tried telling me. I was right, everyone else was wrong. I knew what was best for me, and everyone else was out of their minds. I was close-minded to help, treatment, food plans, higher powers.
I guess I was afraid of change for starters. If I listened to anyone else, I’d have to change my original plan of thinking and start thinking something new. I also feared, or resented the fact, that while I was in my “perfect” world of morality and good grades, I wasn’t out having a good time like everyone else. And with religion, I guess I resented the fact that I had nothing to believe in. As far as treatment goes, of course, my biggest fear there was gaining weight. I didn’t want anything to do with anything that would take away my anorexia. My anorexia was my best friend, and without it, it’s like I didn’t know how to breathe.
