Step 4 and Beyond
So I shared my long Step 4 with my sponsor (which would be Step 5). I don’t know if it’s coincidence or what, but it seems as if as soon as I finish a Step 4, my life suddenly gets better. I’m not sure where I left you all last, but I recently got an internship at a alcohol and drug treatment center. I quit my retail job and will substitute teach in the meantime to make ends meet. We are in the process of moving into a new house which has been harder than I imagined, and everything is quite chaotic right now. It’s making me crazy but I’ve surrendered it and that makes it go a lot smoother. I just can’t wait for the day where we are finally moved in and I can have a sense of routine and balance. I hate how so much is unfinished right now.
My food and body image are all over the place. For a while I was craving sweets really hard. I’m trying to do three meals a day with nothing in between right now. Also trying to have smaller proportions. I’m fed up with my weight as I think I may have gained. Maybe this time ’round I’ll exercise? I keep saying I will once we are in the new house. I think this time I may actually do it though — the house is bigger than the one we are in now. If I decide to dance I’ll have quite a bit more room to do it!
As much as things are up in the air I feel quite accomplished lately. I got this internship all by myself — without the help of my dad or husband. I contacted the school, got the necessary information, registered, took the classes, etc. Of course my husband helped pay as it’s our money, but everything else was ALL ME! I’m very proud, haha.
Step 4 Questions Part 2
Questions taken from OA 12 x 12 Pg. 34-43. Again, I only answered questions that were relevant.
Are we holding onto a grudge because at one time or another someone threatened or damaged our self-esteem, security, ambitions, or relationships?
The first thing that popped into my mind was my husband’s family and his ex. Although I do not enjoy being around them and sometimes resent their strong Christian beliefs, I think I’ve gotten a lot better in regards to this. I used to cringe and feel so much anger just thinking about these people, but now I’ve gotten over that. I can act kindly towards them and not dread every second I’m about to see them. As for my husband’s ex, I still can feel intense anger towards her, but I’m not holding a grudge like I once did.
How has greed affected our lives? Are we generous or selfish? Are we satisfied when our needs are filled, or are we always wanting more, seldom content with what we have?
I’m really selfish. I don’t like doing things for other people when asked, although I do enjoy it if it’s MY idea. But again, that’s for my own validation rather than them. I almost always want more — more money, more furniture, more clothes, a better house, a better job, etc.
In what ways have we been lazy and slothful? Have we been procrastinators? If so, we write it down, along with incidents in which we have procrastinated. Are we perfectionists? Do we delay starting things we are afraid we can’t do to perfection?
I’m lazy in regards to cleaning my home and getting a job. I’ve been out of school since 2007 and I still haven’t found a job that has utilized my degree. Yes I’ve substitute taught and I’m working retail now, but I know I could be doing so much better if I just applied myself. A lot of it is fear based. I’m delaying interning right now because I’m afraid of starting the whole process, messing up, ruining somebody’s life, doing something wrong, making people upset, etc.
Are we overly dependent on others?
Yes — my husband. Although I have gotten better. I still rely on him a lot in regards to money and more “adult” stuff like taxes and whatnot.
Do we tend to dwell on the dark side of things?
Yes — what if we don’t get a house, what if I don’t get pregnant, my job sucks, I hate my house, I hate my life, I wish I had this, I wish I had that, what if the world ends in 2012, what if I never get pregnant, etc., etc.
Are we thankful for what we have or do we ignore our blessings and focus on what we lack?
Sometimes I am thankful. I’m thankful I have a job when so many people don’t. But I’m not going to lie — I’d say I’m 10% grateful and 90% dissatisfied.
Some Updates
I’ve updated “MY STORY.” I felt it was way too long. I pretty much cut out everything and just wrote the basics. In “OA Speak,” I tried to stick with “What it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now.” Anyone who wants to know more can ask me.
I’ve also edited some questions in the FAQ.
Step 4 Workbook Questions (Part 1)
1.) Is something keeping me form beginning my “fearless” and “searching” inventory? What?
No. I’ve actually been looking forward to starting this particular step 4. I guess that’s a little misleading — lots of things have kept me from getting here. Most if it my choice — choosing to go online instead or relaxing after work. But now that I’m on this step, it’s a major release.
2.) What action, no matter how small, am I willing to take to overcome my procrastination?
Now that the new year is here, I realize how many people make resolutions but never keep them. Why? Because they say they will start at a later time. I’m really trying my hardest to do things NOW when I think of it rather than LATER when I get the motivation. Seldom does that motivation come. So in regards to what actions I’m willing to take? I’m not quite sure what those actions would be, but doing this RIGHT NOW is a good start.
3.) Am I willing to do a written inventory?
Yes.
4.) What are some of the ways in which I can do my inventory? What approach will I take?
I’ll be finishing these questions as well as doing a Big Book inventory. I’ll be focusing on my current situation and circumstances.
5.) Why is it important for me to take a balanced view of myself?
I have to take a balanced view of myself or else I will be too critical. I’ll focus on my fault and defects rather than my assets. I have to look at both in order to see how I am and how I can be.
6.) Here is my 4th step inventory guided by questions on Pages 34 through 43 in The 12×12. (I’ll do the ones that are relevant to my circumstances now.)
How do we react when we don’t get our way? I get angry, although I suppose anyone would. I don’t believe my anger is out of turn or uncalled for when things like this happen. The biggest example I can think of right now is the fact that we are still no in a house. I keep getting inpatient with our realtor and the real estate business in general. My husband and I have argued quite a bit over this situation because we couldn’t agree on where we wanted to live. After a while though if I haven’t gotten my way I have to tell myself it wasn’t meant to GO my way.
How do we react when people disagree with us? The only person I can think of right now that I’ve disagreed with on anything is my husband. I can’t really stand when we don’t agree; we’ll argue for a bit but once we’ve accepted the fact that we just aren’t on the same page and maybe never will be, we move on.
Are we intolerant of differences? I’m still pretty judgmental when I’m around people who are so close-minded — that’s a bit ironic/hypocritical isn’t it? I get this way a lot around my Christian in-laws.
Have we insisted on being the center of attention? How has prideful self-centeredness caused us to act? I find that whenever I’m with new people I often talk about my past too much. I like to get the attention that comes with my eating disorder and the many other unfortunate things that came with it. This also goes hand-in-hand with my gossip tendencies. If I have gossip to share that means people are going to be listening to me. This in turn makes me feel apart of the group.
Are we snobs? Do we pay more attention to VIPs than to ordinary people? At times I suppose I could do this. Although it can go both ways — sometimes I can pay more attention to the ordinary people rather than the VIPs.
Have we sought to put people down or put them in their place? I think most of us do. I think sometimes it’s okay to feel that way. Just because we are seeking to put some people in their place doesn’t mean we are actually going to do it. There are lots of times I feel this way with my boss, my husband’s ex, my family, etc.
Have we repeatedly belittled anyone? The one person I would think would be my husband’s ex. Never to her face, but to my husband, friends, and my sponsor.
Have we condemned others for things we’re also guilty of? Are we hypocrites, even as we denounce the hypocrisy of others? A big example of this would be in my own recovery. So many people have come in and out of the OA doors. Although I should be feeling compassion, I often feel resentment and a sense of being better than them because I still go. The truth of that is though is I may still be GOING to OA meetings, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing the work!
Do we indulge in gossip ourselves or listen to and enjoy the gossip of others? In one word, YES.
Are we oversensitive, quick to take offense at what people say to us? Or do we laugh everything off, pretending nothing hurts us? I think I’m oversensitive. People can say something to me and I’ll twist the words around in my head so they sound worse than they really are. Especially when it has something to do with my weight or physical appearance.
Are we selfish, letting our own desires govern us while we ignore the needs of others? I’m a pretty selfish person — spending more time on my computer than with my husband. Not taking sub jobs when I could, going home early from work when I could stay and make more money for my family, etc.
Are we willing to take responsibility for the problems we’ve caused, or have we tried to shift the blame to others? I’m willing now to take responsibility for any problem I’ve caused.
Do we accept our own failings and those of others as natural, or do we criticize, condemn, and complain? Most of the time I think I can accept my failings and the failings as others, although there are times when I like to do my venting. Sometimes I just can’t understand why certain people can do what they do, but in the end I’m not perfect either and I have to have compassion.
Are we people-pleasers? Do we need everybody to like us, so much so that we make it our goal to find out what people want and give it to them, no matter the cost to ourselves? Are we afraid to say no to others? Yes, although I think I’m getting better. I love to be liked, I hate when I’m not. Working in customer service has helped me though — I can’t please everybody and if that does happen, then it’s more their issue than my own.
Are we anxious about the future? How much of our time do we spend worrying? A lot. I worry about never getting out of retail despite having a degree. I worry about never getting pregnant. I worry about not having enough money. I worry about the world ending in 2012. I spend a big chunk of my life worrying about this shit.
Are we afraid of people? Do we isolate ourselves from our friends and society? I am still afraid of people. I find I don’t try as hard in my job because of the people. I hate working retail because of this! However, I don’t isolate myself much. It’s true that I don’t hang out with friends outside of work, but that’s more due to choice than because I am afraid.
Have we delayed seeking to new jobs or careers, held back by worry and fear? Are we so afraid of change that we remain in situations that are not good for us? Welcome to my life story right now. I’m stuck in my stupid job. I’m done with school so I should be looking to intern right now, but I’m still pretty scared to get that started. My current job stresses me out SO MUCH yet I’m doing little to fix it.
Onto Step 4
So I’ve finished another Step 3 and I’m finally onto Step 4. I’ve been waiting for this step with anticipation; everything always feels so much better once I’m finished with it. You would have thought I would have rushed through Steps 1-3.
My recovery isn’t as strong as it has been in the past, but I have to have hope. I’ve seen so many come to meetings and stop; I’m pretty much only one of two people who still goes to my home meeting. After three or so years it’s come down to us and I have to be proud of myself because I keep coming back. Hopefully the new year will bring in more newcomers.
My weight is the same as it’s been for a while which I’m not happy about. I see pictures of me now and wonder how I could have let myself get this “big.” I’m always insecure typing something like that because I don’t want the readers of this blog to picture a “fat girl” writing. I know, rationally, that I look normal. Some would consider I still look thin. But in my brain, I just look fat.
I keep saying I want to change and I never do. I’m struggling between accepting the weight I am now and losing some. People who are overweight get to lose weight. I have to struggle between staying at an average weight and constantly worrying about breaking my abstinence if I lose weight. I miss my old body…
Going to a thankathon tomorrow with my sponsor. Hoping it will make me feel better.
More Body Image Issues…
I think I think about my body image, on average, a couple of times every hour I’m awake. I think about it when I get dressed, when I look in the mirror, when I go to the bathroom, when I see skinnier friends, when I see bigger friends, when I see an old picture of me, when I see skinny customers, when I see a celebrity, when I see someone of the opposite sex I find attractive, etc. That’s a lot of things. It’s a real bummer.
It’s so irrational I’ve thought things like, “If I met Johnny Depp, he’d probably think I looked like a cow.” When in realty, I’m never going to meet Johnny Depp, and if I did, he’d have no reason to find me unattractive, and even if he did find me attractive, it’s not like he’d fall in love with me! I WORRY OVER MY WEIGHT BECAUSE I MAY JUST SO HAPPEN TO BUMP INTO JOHNNY DEPP! That’s SO STUPID!
Anyway — I don’t know how many times I’ve rambled on about how unhappy I am with my weight. How many times have I said I was going to exercise? A billion. Anyone who reads this blog is probably sick and tired of it.
All I know is I DO NOT want to be at this weight. I just took some “modeling” pictures and I hate how I look in most of them. It’s really amazing how much weight I’ve gained. Don’t get me wrong — I’m at an average weight. I’m not fat. Not even chubby. I’m still slender but in my eyes — I’m “fat.”
My recovery is still going. Still going to program and still working the steps. Or at least trying to. My job is stressing me out — I think I’m going to give a two weeks notice in two weeks. I got another job as a tutor.
Still Here.
Let’s see…
The rut I was in a few weeks back has passed, although I’m still not thrilled with how life is going. My hours were raised after my boss found out I was complaining about my hours being cut. I think it’s his way of kissing my ass and reinstalling the fact that he has the power to do anything he wants. Every once in awhile he’ll throw in a, “I just want to make sure you have a ton of hours; you’re one of our best workers.” I hate that! YES, I’m grateful my hours were put back in place, but at the same time I wish he could just tell me the truth instead of kissing up.
I’m still looking for another job at the same time. I interviewed with a tutoring place, but they never called back. I’ll be following up tomorrow I suppose.
Working Step 2. I should post some of my answers in here. Trying to get to meetings; one of my friends from work has been interested in the program. That’s been helping me with recovery as well. We’ll see how that goes.
Not thrilled with my weight, either. I have these thoughts, “Just fuck OA. Just starve again. Just get back down to a decent weight and then do program again.” Of course, this would be going against what I tell virtually everybody on the planet who wants to lose weight. Losing weight doesn’t work with starvation or diets, it works with a lifestyle change that I must commit to. I just am too lazy.
And don’t get me started with our house — pig sty central. I wish I had the will and motivation to keep a house clean.
Lack of Recovery
My regular meeting is lacking recovery. For the past two weeks it’s just been me and another member. At our most recent meeting, nobody showed. It’s really discouraging me, or maybe that’s an excuse for how disconnected I’ve been with my 12-Step program. I don’t want to say “recovery” program because I still feel as if I have a great foundation in regards to that, but I definitely am slacking on the 12-Steps. I was unable to attend my 12-Step workshop because of my job, so I missed out on Steps 8-12.
I feel like I’m on the verge of slipping if I haven’t already. I don’t really follow any specific food plan, but I did cut out a lot of things (carbs). But in place of them I added protein. Tried adding in more fruits and veggies but it’s hard. But at the same time I’m also craving hard right now for sweets, especially chocolate.
It’s a bad feeling when I’m constantly unable to fit into my clothes. I haven’t been exercising but work keeps me on the move. I doubt it’s doing anything as I haven’t seen any results in the past months. The only thing I’m recognizing is the fact that my back is in constant pain because of my job. I don’t know what to do about that.
I think I’m just tired of program. The thoughts of wanting to go back to the anorexia are strong even though I wouldn’t as long as I am with my husband. And the fact that I hate that (not being able to go back) is almost as bad as being there again.
I can definitely sense a laziness to recovery. I use my job as an excuse. I don’t want to take the time to affirm myself or to pray or to read recovery literature. I hate and resent the fact that I have to drive 30 minutes to get to a meeting. What blows even more is I have to drive 30 minutes to work, 30 minutes back home, then 30 minutes BACK to go to a meeting?! It’s just really hard to want to go after working all day and driving everywhere.
I’ve pretty much decided my abstinence is no definite anorexic behaviors/deceiving. I’ve been pretty honest about my food choices with both my sponsor and husband as of now. We’ll see how this goes…
Sorry for the Lack of Posts!
Hello readers. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I just got a new semi-full time job and it’s been keeping my busy. But the good thing is — I’m always up and about at this job so maybe I’ll actually be getting that exercising in!
The bummer about this job is I couldn’t start that OA meeting I wanted to. My schedule changes every week and I have to work weekends. So I’ll never know how many meetings I can catch either. But my sponsor reminded me there is always a phone or online meeting going on that I could attend.
I had a falling out with a in-person sponsee. Because of my job, I had to let her go. I called her and left her a message stating that I wouldn’t be able to be as present as a sponsor should be and that I was very sorry. I suppose I shouldn’t have left it in a message, but I did. About three weeks later she went up to me in a meeting and said the abruptness of letting her go was rude and that I should have waited until she found another sponsor. But wouldn’t that be compromising my recovery? I can’t “hold on” until she finds a new sponsor because I can’t just put off my job. I try to be as helpful as possible to my sponsees, but I have to think of my recovery as well. I asked my sponsor if I should have made any additional amends but she told me she couldn’t see a harm in what I had done. I still feel bad about it, but what’s done is done and I can only learn from the past.
I asked my sponsor if I should still mark “sponsor” on the list even though I couldn’t take anymore. She told me yes because I still am a sponsor. If a teacher goes on vacation, he’s still a teacher.
Hope you all are doing well!
