Lack of Recovery
My regular meeting is lacking recovery. For the past two weeks it’s just been me and another member. At our most recent meeting, nobody showed. It’s really discouraging me, or maybe that’s an excuse for how disconnected I’ve been with my 12-Step program. I don’t want to say “recovery” program because I still feel as if I have a great foundation in regards to that, but I definitely am slacking on the 12-Steps. I was unable to attend my 12-Step workshop because of my job, so I missed out on Steps 8-12.
I feel like I’m on the verge of slipping if I haven’t already. I don’t really follow any specific food plan, but I did cut out a lot of things (carbs). But in place of them I added protein. Tried adding in more fruits and veggies but it’s hard. But at the same time I’m also craving hard right now for sweets, especially chocolate.
It’s a bad feeling when I’m constantly unable to fit into my clothes. I haven’t been exercising but work keeps me on the move. I doubt it’s doing anything as I haven’t seen any results in the past months. The only thing I’m recognizing is the fact that my back is in constant pain because of my job. I don’t know what to do about that.
I think I’m just tired of program. The thoughts of wanting to go back to the anorexia are strong even though I wouldn’t as long as I am with my husband. And the fact that I hate that (not being able to go back) is almost as bad as being there again.
I can definitely sense a laziness to recovery. I use my job as an excuse. I don’t want to take the time to affirm myself or to pray or to read recovery literature. I hate and resent the fact that I have to drive 30 minutes to get to a meeting. What blows even more is I have to drive 30 minutes to work, 30 minutes back home, then 30 minutes BACK to go to a meeting?! It’s just really hard to want to go after working all day and driving everywhere.
I’ve pretty much decided my abstinence is no definite anorexic behaviors/deceiving. I’ve been pretty honest about my food choices with both my sponsor and husband as of now. We’ll see how this goes…
Sorry for the Lack of Posts!
Hello readers. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I just got a new semi-full time job and it’s been keeping my busy. But the good thing is — I’m always up and about at this job so maybe I’ll actually be getting that exercising in!
The bummer about this job is I couldn’t start that OA meeting I wanted to. My schedule changes every week and I have to work weekends. So I’ll never know how many meetings I can catch either. But my sponsor reminded me there is always a phone or online meeting going on that I could attend.
I had a falling out with a in-person sponsee. Because of my job, I had to let her go. I called her and left her a message stating that I wouldn’t be able to be as present as a sponsor should be and that I was very sorry. I suppose I shouldn’t have left it in a message, but I did. About three weeks later she went up to me in a meeting and said the abruptness of letting her go was rude and that I should have waited until she found another sponsor. But wouldn’t that be compromising my recovery? I can’t “hold on” until she finds a new sponsor because I can’t just put off my job. I try to be as helpful as possible to my sponsees, but I have to think of my recovery as well. I asked my sponsor if I should have made any additional amends but she told me she couldn’t see a harm in what I had done. I still feel bad about it, but what’s done is done and I can only learn from the past.
I asked my sponsor if I should still mark “sponsor” on the list even though I couldn’t take anymore. She told me yes because I still am a sponsor. If a teacher goes on vacation, he’s still a teacher.
Hope you all are doing well!
New Foods and OA
So I went grocery shopping about a week ago and bought some healthy foods. I’ve felt a lot better about these food decisions. I’ve also tried exercising while watching movies so it’s easier. I haven’t done the exercising in a few days though because my thighs hurt for a bit. I need to stretch first before exercising. My sponsor said to do five minutes of exercise daily just for now. Then work my way up instead of doing it all at once.
I don’t know if I’ll lose weight or not. I don’t have a goal weight. I’m just trying to eat my three healthy meals and then exercise. Whatever weight I get to in a month or so is what’s supposed to be. Whether that’s one pound or ten pounds lighter — it’s not up to me. Maybe it’s zero pounds lighter. All I know is I want to stop the weight GAIN. I hate my weight and in all honesty I’d like to lose ten pounds, but if I lose ten pounds on purpose, I think I’d be breaking my abstinence.
We really, really need more recovery in our OA meetings. People keep coming for one or two meetings and then never coming back. It’s really discouraging and heartbreaking. I know that my recovery isn’t dependent on their recovery, but it’d still be nice to hear the experiences of new people. There’s only a few people in my local meetings that have long-term recovery and it makes me sad that some regulars haven’t experienced the miracle of the program.
God — it sounds like a cult when I talk about the program that way, but to me, it really was a miracle. Nothing else worked for me. Willpower didn’t work. Counseling didn’t work. Why? Because willpower didn’t fix the issues that brought me to anorexia in the first place. Counseling didn’t work because all it provided me was someone to listen to my problems. Don’t get me wrong, venting is a GREAT recovery tool, but it can only go so far. I experienced recovery when I started working on my issues — the fears, the resentments, the insecurities. When I stopped blaming everybody else for my problems and look at my SELF, recovery was possible.
Recovery is possible.
I Just Keep Gaining…
I’ve gained even more weight. I’m attributing it to the fact that I’m still not exercising. I’ve stopped drinking juice and that hasn’t really done anything. I’m trying to cut out the snacks. I need to knock off the frozen/microwavable foods and pastas/rice as well. I cannot cut out anymore food or I’m flirting with breaking my abstinence.
I’m not overweight. I’m still in the healthy weight range for my height. But my clothes aren’t fitting and I certainly do not want to go out and buy even more. Those of you who have followed my blog already know I’ve done that a couple of times.
I’d like to get back to the weight I was at my wedding. It’s about 10 pounds less than what I am now, but for my height I think it’d be okay.
Lord knows I won’t actively try to do that. I keep telling myself three meals a day and exercise will get me to the weight I’m supposed to be at. Not what I want it to be at.
The weight bothers me, but not as much as the fact that I can’t STOP gaining. I keep actively gaining weight every month that passes. THAT is what bothers me the most.
New Layout, New Questions, New Faith in Program
Sorry for changing my layout. But I couldn’t stand how small the font was in the other one. I think the only way I could have changed it was to change the font size every time I wrote a new entry, and that’s too much work.
Before I write down some Step 3 questions from my workshop, I have a recent story to share about how the program works.
I was struggling to the point where I wanted to go back to my ED. It was over the fact that I didn’t have a stable job and wasn’t contributing to our household funds. I had a ton of guilt and felt like I was going insane. I was having trouble getting the motivation to even look for jobs. My sponsor suggested I do a step 4 around the situation. I did. I shared it. Made some commitments to my sponsor to pray for thew willingness to look/apply for jobs.
So I did. And today two people called me back for interviews. It took me all summer to try to get a job on my own doing (which consisted of making up excuses why this job or that job wasn’t good for me) and one week to (potentially) get one after working the program. AMAZING.
And now, some step 3 work:
I definitely used to want to run everything. I was always the victim. My experience with Step 3 has made my life so much better. When I realized I couldn’t control others and certain situations, life actually became easier instead of harder like I thought it would. Once I let God take care of what I couldn’t, even when the results were not in my favor, I moved on quicker than I would have if I had tried to control the situation.
1.) What attitudes stand in your way and interfere with your trust in a higher power?
I’m very impatient. I always want things in my time. I feel like if it doesn’t happen NOW, I might not be able to experience it later.
2.) Am I ready to give up self-will regarding my addictive behavior?
Yes. I’ve been ready.
3.) Do I have eating guidelines? Will I ask God for the willingness and the ability to live within them each day?
I’m all over the place. Right now I do not have eating guidelines. I’m just trying to have three moderate meals a day.
4.) Which parts of your life are you unwilling to turn over to the care of a Higher Power? Explain.
Right now I’m unwilling to give up having a baby in God’s time. My husband had a vasectomy of which we’ve reversed. My chances of getting pregnant are lower. It’s been four months and we haven’t gotten pregnant. I know that’s very, very normal, but as I said before, I’m afraid if it doesn’t happen now, I’m never going to get the chance to be a mother (I have a fear of the world ending soon.)
5.) What will it take for me to really work step 3?
Patience. Gratitude. Trust. Faith. Without those, I’m doing things my way again.
Some Step 2 Questions
1.) What do the words “came to believe” and “sanity” mean to me?
“Came to believe” means “coming out of denial.” We’ve suddenly realized everything we are doing is hurting us and our families. Whether that be mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually, it’s hurting us and we’ve come to believe that we need to make a (positive) change. Also, if I still don’t believe, I believe the program (12 Steps) will HELP me believe. I came to believe a Higher Power could help me through this process. Sanity, to me, means living a life with happiness and peace DESPITE what is going on in life (whether it’s good OR bad). We are able to make good choices and when we don’t, we see our part in things and take responsibility for those bad ones.
2.) As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating (or another addictive behavior) was concerned?
Eating was never normal (hiding food, throwing away food, wasting food, chewing and spitting, no portion control, etc.). Thinking was never normal. I was always selfish and self-centered. I was angry and insensitive.
3.) Have I come to believe that I need to change? Why?
I need(ed) to change because if I didn’t (don’t), my relationships were going to end and I was going to be miserable the rest of my life.
4.) Since willpower alone can’t change my unsuccessful way of living, am I willing to look for a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity?
Yes.
5.) What would I like such a power to be and to do in my life?
I was unconditional love. I want my HP to make me feel less alone. I want my HP to help me have faith.
6.) What is keeping me from truly believing that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity?
Nothing.
7.) List areas in Step 1 and 2 where you still struggle with the ideas presented in these steps. What do you think you need to do to remedy the problem?
N/A.
Some Step 1 Questions
I really need to keep this blog updated. I currently doing a 12 step workshop, so I decided to post some questions we worked on in the workshop with my answers here. Hopefully they will help some of you out there who are struggling.
1.) Describe attempts you have made in the past to control your addictive behaviors. How successful have they been? Do these attempts show the powerlessness that you have over your addictive behaviors?
The binging I tried to stop with willpower alone. I couldn’t do it because I would restrict and the cycle would continue. I never really tried to stop my restricting because I wanted to always diet and lose weight. I used to try to “eat normal” when I wanted to recover, but I would freak out and go back to restricting.
2.) What area of your life is causing you the most sadness?
Our money situation, not getting pregnant, and not working.
3.) Can you pinpoint one time period in your life when your life began to become extremely unmanageable? If so, describe that period of time and what was happening.
First time was in high school — my life became unmanageable when the binging began. I was binging from 7:00 AM until night. I was losing my friends and family. I was isolated and mean. My mom just died and my dad began a romantic relationship with someone else. The second time was during a relapse in 2006. My relationship was unhealthy and I wanted to lose weight. My husband (then boyfriend) and I fought all the time. Situations with his ex/family were still pretty bad.
4.) What specific food and/or behaviors cause a problem or problems you have been avoiding? Or what behavior are you defending or excusing? ow do you do this?
Any junk food causes me anxiety except what I deem as safe. The other problem I deal with most now is gossip. I don’t defend it as I know it’s wrong.
5.) In what part of your life do you want to do “good,” but continue to do what you don’t want to do?
Gossip. I’d like to stop but don’t. I’d like to exercise but don’t. And I’d like to abstain from napping and I don’t.
6.) What are the results of your self-defeating habits?
I feel guilty, unhealthy, lazy, and like I’m a bad person.
Affirmations
When I tell myself I’m fat and ugly, I literally see myself as fat and ugly. And you will, too.
So the other day I tried telling myself I wasn’t fat. I know logically I’m not fat, but there are still areas of my body that I don’t like. But instead of tearing myself apart, I tried seeing myself as a normal looking person. That those parts I saw as “really fat” weren’t actually that bad. And for a moment I actually felt okay with what my body looked like.
It’s amazing what positive thinking can do. Even if you have to lie to yourself. If you tell yourself something long enough, it’ll end up thinking it’s true. So why not tell it something good?
It’s so hard getting used to this new weight.
I exercised today — FINALLY. It was a hard workout and hopefully I won’t be feeling it tomorrow like last time!
